"Really?" I asked.
"Yeah," Drozel said. "See, instead of pulling your arms tight and ducking your head, if you have this, then maybe you can just hold it? Since I - we - won't be here to keep you safe, I wanted to make sure you had something for when you're worried. Not even all the way scared, Meri. Just worried, because a lot has happened to you lately, and you deserve something to keep you safe."
"But it's just cloth and padding," I told him, making it clear I wasn't some foolish child.
"It is," he agreed. "It still works. Maybe it's not magical or divine, but for me, having something of my own that I can cling to? It feels like an anchor sometimes. They're good at smothering squeals of excitement and they soak up tears too."
"Droz, did you cry into your stuffed animal?" Lessa teased.
"A lot," he admitted. "I also told mine all about the pretty green guy I couldn't stop thinking about." And he looked over at Omden to make his point. "And Gorzo is in my closet. He's a dog, Meri. I kept him because he feels like he holds all these memories I don't want to give up. Now, you have a little sparrow for yourself."
"Is this really what a sparrow looks like?" I asked, pulling the thing closer.
"Close enough," he said. "It's like a child's drawing of what one looks like. And maybe when I get back, I can show you one, hm?"
"And you are coming back?" I asked.
He pressed his massive hand over where mine rested on the bird. The feel of his skin was rough and calloused, but gentle. His presence was slightly overwhelming. And yet, something aboutthe gentle way he was talking to me made this feel special, like it meant more than mere reassurance.
"The damage has already been done," he explained softly. "I'm just going to help people. Omden and I will be back as soon as we can."
"Okay," I agreed.
"And," Omden said, "I'll make sure he doesn't do anything too stupid while he's out there."
"Or you!" I insisted - but paused. "Is Ayla going too?"
"Her entire house," Drozel confirmed. "Why?"
"Did you want to send her a message?" Lessa asked. "Drozel and Ommy can take it for you. They'll travel together."
I chewed on my lip for a moment. "No. Just tell her to be safe? Maybe? Something that sounds good, okay? And make sure she doesn't get hurt?"
"Promise," Drozel said.
And those green eyes of his were so close. The way they were watching me was gentle, nothing like Gideon's. It wasn't even the color that felt so different. It was the way he was watching me, like he was honestly listening - and caring about - what I said.
"You don't understand," I insisted. "Ayla's so mad about what they did to us. She also never takes care of herself first. Even down there, she always tried to make them hit her instead of us. She took the blame when she didn't do anything wrong just so Callah and I wouldn't get punished. This? It's the same thing!"
"What do you mean?" Omden asked, moving closer so he could steal the chair Drozel had left.
"I'm saying Ayla's going because she wants to hurt the Moles!" How could they not see that? "She probably knows something I don't, because she paid attention to those things. I just wanted to be a good wife, but Ayla? She wanted something else. We didn't even have a word for it, but she climbed into herforbidden library because of it. She studied things, and learned things, and had to know it all because she thought that would change things."
"And it did," Lessa pointed out.
"No, breaking the commandments did," I countered.
But Drozel murmured like he didn't agree. "She was hung out on that tree, but Ayla got her chain off the hook. She ran, Meri. She was going to escape - or die trying. While we brought her back, she listened, watched, and paid attention to all the things we did. Then she learned our language, figured out why we couldn't predict the next attack, and used all her knowledge to change things."
"Oh."
He nodded. "And you use all your knowledge to help others," he said. "So don't go thinking her way is better than yours. Your way saved Kanik's life - and how many others? Lives, Meri." And he lifted his hand to smooth my hair back. "I know you haven't been told it enough, but you are just as good as her. Different, but neither better nor worse."
I liked that. From the hand on my head to the way he'd immediately understood what I was thinking, it felt nice. It made me feel seen. Lessa listened, and Omden always helped, but Drozel? He had this way of simply understanding me - even before I did myself.
"Please don't get hurt?" I asked, lifting my head to meet his eyes again.
And he smiled. "Can't promise that, but Omden's good at keeping me alive."
