That earned me a little smile, but her eyes slid away. "Should I talk to Ayla about this?"
"Probably." And I reached over to palm her arm. "Meri, Ayla knows all about this too. Jeera and Brielle made sure of it because they didn't want to scare her."
"But Ayla never gets scared! Not like me."
"Oh, she does," I promised. "But what do you get scared of?"
"The baby," she breathed, glancing over, then away again.
This girl was like a skittish animal in so many ways. She didn't want to hold my gaze. She tried to make herself small when threatened. She also didn't realize she was doing any of it.
So I carefully asked, "Still?"
She nodded a little too quickly. The nervous kind. "I can't stop thinking he might look like Gideon."
"You won't know unless you see him."
"But -" She sighed. "I don't want everyone to think I'm horrible, Omden!"
"So don't be horrible," I told her. "Meri, you made that child. That's nothing to be ashamed of. You kept him safe and brought him here - even when you should've been too weak to do that - and put him where you think he'd have a good life. What are those things if not the most caring and amazing gift anyone could give another?"
"Yeah?"
"Yes," I insisted. "Trust me, Jeera and Brielle know that. They also know he was a burden to you, and one you carried through. They know how hard that was for you, and even the decision to give him up wasn't easy, but we can all see you did it for him - and you."
"I don't hate him," she assured me.
"I never thought you did. I just think you weren't ready for him."
And she bit her lips together, glancing away with a little more moisture in her eyes than she'd had before. "Maybe I can see him when I go for my checkup?"
"I can ask Jeera and Brielle to make that happen," I promised.
And her head snapped around. "But I want Ayla to go with me! She'll know if it's too much, and she'll help me, and she can be in the room, so it'll be okay, right?"
"And she's your sister," I added. "Yes, all of those things."
"Then what?" she asked. "When I see him, what am I supposed to do? Everyone acts like I'm going to want him back, but I don't. I don't want Gideon's child, and I know that. It's not a foolish woman thing either!"
"There are no such things," I told her. "There also aren't rules for this, Meri. All you can do is be honest. That's not the same as cruel, because you can be gentle with your honesty. I know. I've seen it."
"I don't want to be cruel like Gideon."
"And you're not," I said. "But there's a difference between being kind and being used by others. And being both strong and kind at the same time? It's not as easy as people make it out to be, but I think you can do it."
"How?" she breathed.
"Just like this," I assured her. "You ask when you don't know, you tell us when we don't, and you never do either one in a way that will hurt unless you have no other option."
"So, like, if I never want to see him again because he reminds me of Gideon, I can ask Jeera and Brielle to help with that?"
"Exactly like that," I agreed. "And if you let them know why you picked them? I'm sure it might make them feel less likethey're taking advantage of you, too. Meri, they've wanted a baby for a while. They can't have one because they both have tails, and you just gave them the greatest gift they can think of. I promise they won't think less of you for any of this. None of us will. Not for being confused, or giving that baby a great family, or if wanting to kiss Lessa is something that sounds nice."
And while she didn't take my bait, the corners of her lips curled, making me think I was right. She'd thought about it. Shedidfeel something for Lessa, but in the middle of everything else, it was too much for this girl to deal with right now.
But that was okay. We had time, and I was perfectly happy if she didn't go anywhere.
Twenty-One
