"Isn't that like the punishment men gave you down there?"
"But it's different," I said. "And..."
"What?" she begged.
Unfortunately, I didn't have the words to explain this thing swirling around the back of my head. I could see why she'd think it was too close. Gideon had done horrible things to me. Other men had hurt us when we were just girls.
And yet, when those things had happened, I'd longed for the stories Ayla had told. I'd wished for someone to save me, or make it better. I'd imagined things playing out differently after it had all happened. Instead of hitting me, what if he'd kissed me, and things like that.
But it didn't make sense. I knew it didn't, yet I stillfeltthat way. While I tried to figure it out, Lessa simply watched, nodding once or twice to make it clear she was okay with waiting. And that was part of why this felt better.
"Ayla used to crawl into a place and read books," I explained. "That's important, Lessa. See, she read all these books called fantasies. We thought they were lies, but they were such beautiful ones, and I'd think about them before falling asleep. Women were strong, and men were kind. There were weddings, and plants, and all the things we didn't have."
"I can see that," she assured me.
"When I got married, I would still think about those stories. Part of it was wishing for my friends to reassure me, but some of it was just what was in them. I liked the idea of a man who loved his wife more than all else. I would rewrite things that had happened to end up like the stories, you know?"
"Replaying it to fix the mistakes," she said. "Yeah, mine were always some variation of 'I should've said this instead.'"
"Yes!" I breathed, because that was exactly what I meant. "And sometimes, it would be Gideon testing me, or him hiding me, or something else that wasn't really believable. But I always turned them into a good thing so I could lie to myself a little longer. So I could try to pretend like my husband wasn't an evil monster."
"Yeah," she breathed.
"And when I got up here?" I chuckled once. "One of the things I read to learn Vestrian? Brielle called them fairy tales. She had these stories about princes who fell madly in love witha woman and fought dragons or evil queens for her. Jeera called them 'Prince Charmings.'"
"Oh, I know all about Prince Charmings," Lessa promised.
"And I always wanted that," I said. "Lessa, I didn't think that was possible, but don't you see? It is! Drozel is a Prince Charming. You're like a Princess Charming! And it's like..."
She cupped the side of my face. "Are you saying you have a crush on my boyfriend?"
"I didn't mean to," I squeaked.
"Stop that," she laughed. "Meri, do you like Drozel?"
Sheepishly, I nodded. "He's the kind of man I like. He's big, strong, and makes me feel safe. He carried me back from the hospital! He's the kind of man that would fight a monster."
"Yeah, he is," she agreed.
"And you're the kind of woman who would," I said. "I didn't even know it was okay to like women, and I don't want to stop liking you. I didn'tmeanto kiss him today, and I didn't want to hide it, but I'm not really sorry about it."
Her thumb slid along my cheek. "I had a feeling you'd like him." And she stretched, getting even closer. "Meri, I like that you like him. I love the idea of us liking him together."
"Yeah?" I breathed, aware she was almost close enough to kiss.
"Mhm," she agreed. "But don't you dare stop liking me too."
"Never," I swore, closing the last inches between us.
And I kissed her. Not hard. Not wild. I kissed her sweetly, because Lessa made me want to savor the moment. I kissed her slowly, aware my heart had stopped racing from fear and now was beating harder. I kissed her honestly, since this woman had a way of rewriting all the things I thought I knew and somehow making them better.
One kiss turned to two, and I shifted onto my knees to guide her back. She held me, pulling me down on the couch with heruntil we were tangled up again, but our mouths didn't stop. This was my girlfriend. Mine. These feelings she gave me were real, and I hadn't messed it up.
And I didn't have to choose.
Seventy-Seven
Tobias
