"I take it you want to talk before hunting?"
She nodded, stripping off her own gear.
"Then tell the girls to guard or stay."
Ayla glanced at her dogs. "Dogs, guard!" Then she looked at me again, clearly expecting an answer.
"Okay." If she was asking this - finally - I wasn't going to ignore it. "Ayla, falling in love with someone isn't guaranteed. Personally, I don't want to spend my life with someone I can't love. Unfortunately, love is a thing that creeps up on you. It's hard to know when it's real or wishful thinking, but it's easy to know when things are wrong."
"Okay?"
"And when I was younger, I was attracted to women because they were beautiful. Oh, you women are amazingly beautiful things, and I liked it. I liked it even more that many of them felt I was beautiful enough to chase."
She giggled at that. "Did you run?"
"Nope." I shifted a little closer, thrilled when she didn't back away. "I fell into their arms, or beds, or anything else. I went as far as they wanted because it felt good. The act feels good. Holding hands, kissing, and yes, sex all feel amazing. It made me feel important, and handsome, and strong. I liked that feeling, but eventually I realized the feeling wasn't enough. That girl had nothing interesting to say. Well, I'm sureshewas interested, but I wasn't. Or maybe she was mean to someone else. Sometimes to me. It could've been any of a million things, but when I realized I couldn't love her, I was done. I didn't stick around to try to make it work, I just ended things."
"That's a good way to do it," she told me.
Which made me do a double take. "It is?"
"If you didn't have to marry them, then why waste your time?" she asked. "Yes, I think that is how I would've been if I'd had the chance."
"Youdohave the chance," I said, tapping the band of gold around her neck. "That's what this is."
Her eyes lost focus and she fell silent for a little too long. Slowly, she reached up to trail the circle with my sign on it. Her fingers traced the edges of the wyvern, then moved to slide across Kanik's dragonfly and Rymar's rose.
"Zasen, do you love me?"
"I don't know," I breathed.
She nodded, accepting that much too easily.
"I could," I told her.
And her blue eyes snapped over to mine. "How do I know?"
"That's the thing, Ayla. I'm not sure how either, but I know I don't hate you. I have nothing telling me I couldn't love you. I..." My mind was fumbling for words but getting only feelings. So many feelings.
The happiness of seeing her play with those dogs. The lust that came when I saw a little too much of her body. The comfort of knowing she was there, and the inexplicable need to be near her. Even the jealousy I felt when her smile landed on someone else was wrapped up in it, but she made even that seem like a sweet thing I didn't want to lose.
"You're not a dog, Ayla, but I can't imagine my home without you in it anymore. I hate the idea of these hunts without you silently following - or leading! When I think of my life now, it always has you in it, and Ilikethat."
She shifted closer, reaching up to press her palm over my heart. "It's beating really fast again."
"Yeah," I breathed.
And she smiled. "Mine too. Zasen, I'm not scared anymore."
I cupped her face. "What if I am?"
The smallest little smile flickered over her lips. "See, that's why I trust you. You admit your fear. You make me feel like mine is safe."
"I thought you weren't scared," I pointed out.
She laughed once. "Not of this or of you. Iamscared of you not coming back one day, Zasen. I'm terrified of not trying enough, or doing enough, or being brave enough when I should've and regretting it forever. I'm worried that sometimes being careful is going to be my biggest mistake."
"What are you saying, Ayla?"
