My stomach sinks. Travis has lost both parents, then.
“This is the first time you’ve talked about her,” I say softly.
He remains silent for a long time, so I continue to entertain the kittens and enjoy his quiet presence.
“You’re not alone in your guilt, Blair,” he says softly. “I know what it’s like…to feel responsible.”
I swivel my chair to face him, frowning. “What do you mean?”
His dark eyes are warm as they meet mine. “I lost my father five years ago,” he says slowly. “He had a stroke.”
My face falls. “I’m so sorry.”
He nods. “I lived a few hours away from my parents, so after he died, I started visiting my mother more. I thought if I kept spending time with her, she would be able to move on.” He shakes his head. “But she didn’t.”
I swallow and wait for him to continue.
“She died in her sleep,” he murmurs, his gaze for away. “Her heart suddenly stopped. I found her the next day.”
“Travis,” I whisper.
“And that’s the thing,” he says. “I told myself for years that if I had spent more time with her, or if I had been there that night, things would have been different. I thought I should have been able to pull her out of her grief. Her own son should have been able to save her.”
I shake my head. “You can’t possibly believe that,” I say.
“I did for a long time, Blair. Alongtime. It had to have been my fault. If I had done something different, if I had been there more, maybe she wouldn’t have died of a broken heart.”
Tears fill my eyes. “That’s a horrible way to think.”
He nods, giving me a knowing look. “The guilt doesn’t leave completely. Sometimes it’s still there, but I realize that it’s just misplaced grief.”
“I had no idea,” I say. “I’m so, so sorry, Travis.”
“You’re not alone with those thoughts,” he says lowly. “You’re not alone with carrying that weight on your shoulders, even though it’s not your burden.”
Travis had told me I wasn’t alone before, but now, I see what he truly meant.
“Do Ryland and Rowan know?” I ask, and he nods.
“They’ve known for a while. They wanted me to tell you, to see if it would help you feel understood. But I didn’t want to drag you too deep into my own problems when you were still facing yours.”
“I would have listened,” I insist. “I would have understood.”
And I would have told him that what happened to his mother wasn’t his fault, while still taking responsibility for what happened to my ex-pack.
“Sewing was how I bonded with her,” Travis continues. “So, when you came along and you mentioned your rescue, I realized there was a way for me to honor her memory while still supporting you.”
Tears slide down my cheeks, and I cuddle the kneading kitten tighter. “Thank you,” I manage to choke out.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry this early in the morning,” he chuckles, but his own eyes are glassy, too. “Especially not after we finally have you back.”
I laugh weakly. “You never lost me,” I admit. “I was just a coward that couldn’t cope.”
“Not a coward,” he says. “You came back. That’s what matters.”
I owe him and his packmates a million apologies, and even then, it won’t be enough.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
