"You too," she says before sliding a helmet on.
And that's the last goodbye we share before she zips off into the night. Neither one of us has ever been good at saying them. Maybe it's better this way. It does remind me of one last thing I have to do, though.
I set my bags beneath the awning where Brooklyn waits before striding around the side of the building.
"What are you doing?" she calls after me.
"Something I should have a long time ago," I call back. "Give me a minute."
The parking lot is half-full, but at midnight, most of the guests are already inside. I'm unobserved as I walk across the paved lot and stop at the squat green dumpster. Its lid has been left open by someone too lazy to flip it closed, and it's going to be garbage soup in there by morning.
I shrug out of my jacket and hold it out for a second. My dad got me this jacket when I was sixteen and a newly initiated member of the Spades. I'd worn it on my first date with Brooklyn. I'd been wearing it when my father died in that warehouse. I've been wearing it ever since, though it hasn't fit in a figurative sense in a long, long time.
The tag bears my name in block lettering with a spade at its side as a sort of punctuation mark to show the world who and what I am.
Kase Cruz. A Sleepless Spade.
Only, it's not who I am anymore. I'm faceless, a blank slate. And I get a chance to start over right here and now.
So I ball the jacket up in my fist, wind up, and hurl it with all my might.
It lands with a splash in the dumpster and I turn away from it with a smile.
Kaze Cruz is dead. Time to find out who I am now.
18
Brooklyn
The past few months have been a radical change. Rent is insane on our shitty little apartment, we barely have anything to furnish it, I'm still sore. And I've never been happier in my life.
Kase squeezes into the space on our twin mattress. We practically have to sleep on top of one another to fit on it. He's been letting me have it to myself while he sleeps on the floor most nights. Once he's gotten his first paycheck we're investing in a bigger bed, even though it will end up resting on the floor with the rest of our things.
Kase has just gotten off his first shift at a bouncer at a club downtown. I can't say that I'm pleased by the career choice. I've worried for him too much in my lifetime. I don't want to think of him getting hurt because some jackass tries to start shit at the bar. But even I have to admit it's a step down in terms of danger compared to life with the Spades.
The information that we get is sketchy, given to us by way of e-mail or sporadic phone calls. I don't think there are many tech wizards among the Spades, Kings, or Hellions, but we don't chance it. We go to different libraries to check our emails, and we use burner phones to contact Penny.
Daddy has gone on the warpath in my absence. Though he still hasn't joined up with the rival gang, he is killing any Spade that gets anywhere close to the boundary line. I want to reach out and plead for him to stop. While my father has no love for the Spades whatsoever, this senseless violence isn't like him. My father has always been a strategist, finding the best ways to fell an opponent. If he wanted them completely gone, he'd have found a way. He's taunting them, trying to draw Kase back to the Spades. Trying to drawmeback as well.
"You're thinking about him again."
I jerk guiltily, dropping my gaze from the small TV that we purchased from a thrift store. We don’t watch it much, except to keep an eye on South Hollens’ small news channel whenever we can. I’m just praying that I don’t see any of our loved ones names on the screen anytime soon.
“How do you always know?”
Kase slides his arms beneath me, hoisting me onto his lap so that we can both fit comfortably on the bed. He’s been working out more in preparation for this job. I can’t say that I don’t appreciate it. When we’re not working, worrying, or checking for news, we’re fucking. Relentless, amazing, three-noise-complaints-in-a-row level fucking. It’s like we’re determined to make up for all the sex we missed out on during our years apart. It’s not as vigorous as I like it, because I’m still healing. But when I’m finally well again, Kase is getting treated to a night he’ll never forget.
He strokes the skin between my eyebrows, smoothing the puckered skin there. He presses a quick kiss to my forehead.
"Because you always get these little lines right here when you get worried. They seem to be around more often than not these days."
"I know I can't go back. This was the only option but still..." I have to try hard not to let emotion escape me in a violent sob. It's been harder and harder to stop the emotional outbursts these days and the sick feeling of dread in my stomach doesn't help matters at all.
"Still what?" he asks, pulling me even closer. He's pretty much the only anchor to sanity I still have left in the world. Without him, I'm not sure I'd be able to hold things together.
"I wish we had our families," I whisper. "I wish they could be apart of this with us."
Kase's laugh shakes my entire body. "I don't think we can stuff what's left of our families into this tiny studio apartment without hurting someone."
