"Do you truly believe that everyone is watching you?"
"I know they are not. Logically, I understand that most people are far too occupied with their own concerns to pay much attention to mine. But the moment I enter a ballroom, the moment I feel those eyes on me, even imagined eyes, my heart begins to race and my hands begin to shake and my mind goes utterly, completely blank."
Rosanne's breathing had quickened as she spoke, her chest rising and falling with increasing rapidity. Lillian recognized the signs of approaching panic and leaned forward, keeping her voice calm and steady.
"Rosanne, look at me."
Rosanne's gaze, which had been fixed on some middle distance, snapped to Lillian's face.
"May I ask you something?"
"Yes."
"What is the worst that could happen? At Lady Smith's gathering. The very worst outcome you can imagine."
Rosanne blinked, thrown by the question. "I…...I suppose I could make a fool of myself. Again. Spill something, or say something foolish, or freeze in the middle of a conversation and be unable to speak."
"And then?"
"And then….... People would talk. They would whisper about what an embarrassment I am. Lady Smith would be disappointed. Daniel would be..." Rosanne's voice caught. "Daniel would not say anything, because he never says anything, but he would be disappointed too. In his quiet, controlled way."
"And then?"
Rosanne stared at her. "What do you mean,and then?"
"After all of that, the embarrassment, the whispers, the disappointment, what happens next? Do you die?"
"Do Idie?"
"Do you cease to exist? Does your life end?"
"Well, no. Obviously not."
"Then what happens?"
Rosanne was silent for a long moment, her brow furrowed in thought. Lillian waited, letting the question sit between them like a pebble dropped into still water.
"I suppose," Rosanne said slowly, "I would come home. I would feel terrible for a while. And then life would go on."
"Yes."
"But the embarrassment..."
"It would fade. As all embarrassments do. You survived the wine incident, did you not? It was dreadful at the time, but you are still here. You are still breathing. You are still capable of joy and laughter and friendship."
Rosanne's eyes had gone wide and slightly damp. "That is…… That is a rather different way of looking at things."
"It is the only way, I think, that makes survival possible." Lillian reached out and took Rosanne's hands in her own, feeling the tremor that still ran through them. "You cannot prevent bad things from happening. You cannot guarantee that every social encounter will go smoothly, that you will never stumble or stammer or make a mistake. What youcando is remind yourself that you have survived mistakes before and you will survive them again."
"You make it sound simple."
"It is not simple. But it is true." Lillian squeezed gently. "And for what it is worth, the people whose opinions actually matter, the people who truly know you and care for you, they would not think less of you for being human. For having nerves. For occasionally knocking wine onto someone who probably deserved it."
Rosanne laughed; a watery sound, but genuine. "Shediddeserve it. She had spent the entire evening making thinly veiled comments about my dancing and about my mother's reputation."
"Then your aim was impeccable, even if your timing was unfortunate."
"Lillian!" But Rosanne was smiling now, the color returning to her cheeks. "You are terrible. You are absolutely terrible, and I adore you."
