She could have groaned. His quiet, understated ways had gotten to her. Without realizing and likely without him even attempting, he’d pierced her heart. If she had any idea what love was, she might have wondered if she was falling into it with him.
But the facts remained. She couldnot. He wasnotan option.
***
The next two days were spent without a single social engagement. She did not see the disapproving eye nor furrowed brow of her taciturn guardian, and that was not because he’d suddenly realized what a gem he had in terms of ward. Lord Tarrington was once again sequestered in his room, and Lydia was left alone.
“You’ve a visitor,” Jones said, entering the room with some freshly laundered clothing.
Hopefully it was not Mr. Frank Colbert again. The man was proving difficult to put off.
As she came down the stairs into the entry hall, she saw it was Lord Charles. And he was alone. She squashed the small dip of disappointment that his brother had not joined him. Stupid heart. “Lord Charles, I am happy to see you in good health.”
His grin was bright, and though she could see the similarities between him and his brother, mostly there were differences, particularly in the use of that expression. Lord Berkeley hardly seemed to smile. Was it because of his past? He’d spoken of losing a sister. But even the loss of someone so very close would have to ease after nearly a decade.
“I am happy to be in good health, though frustrated by the timing of my illness. How did you enjoy the boat ride and picnic?” He tucked his hat under his arm and followed her into the drawing room.
“It was enjoyable, though not what I’d anticipated for a day’s outing.”
“I had hoped to surprise you. I wish I might have seen your face when you first saw the boat. Being on the water is novel, is it not?”
She laughed a little, his enthusiasm catching. “Once I got over the fear of falling in, yes, it was certainly an interesting experience.”
He nodded, seating himself a moment after she had. “One day I hope to go to America on one of those large ships. What would you say to that?”
She blinked at him. “I cannot say I have given it much thought. I suppose the adventure would be enticing.”
“Indeed, would it not?” He stretched his legs in front of him. “I admit, I am itching for some excitement. London just does not seem to provide it as well as it once did.”
“I am sorry to hear you are not enjoying your time.”
“No, no, it is not that exactly. It is just...” He leaned forward, looking more boyish than usual as he met her gaze, his handsfolding over one another and his expression earnest. “Do you ever feel that... that... Agh, I do not know how to describe it. It is a sort of discomfort. The kind that comes when you’ve been in a carriage too long and need to walk. Or when you sleep too late and—” He caught her eye, cutting off. “I apologize, I do not mean to go on in such a manner.”
She tilted her head, sensing his need to unburden himself, though she could not see why he’d chosen her as the conversation partner. “It is no trouble. You are welcome to go on.”
He waited only half a second before jumping back into it. “I suppose I am just tired of it all. The monotony and consistency of Society. I want something more, more than just being my father’s spare heir, more than being a second son. I want to make something of myself.”
This side of Lord Charles was unexpected but not off-putting. She too wanted something more, after all. More than living a life dictated by her guardian or an overly demanding husband. “What would you do if you were free of the constraints placed on you in Society?” As she asked the question, she suddenly wondered what her own response would be. What would she do if she were no longer concerned over her future?
Drat it all, her heart knew the answer to that all too readily.
Lord Charles’s face twisted in thought. “I do not know, to own the truth. I suppose what I want is simply the opportunity to find that out for myself. Perhaps I would go to America. Or tour the continent. Maybe I would learn how to farm or study some minor and likely unnecessary skill or trade. I simply itch to dosomething.”
Lydia nodded along. “I do not blame you. You want a purpose, but you want to be the one to choose it.”
“Yes. Yes, that is exactly it.” He heaved a sigh, leaning back and closing his eyes. Then they popped back open. “I do apologize. This conversation was not my intention in coming to see you.”
Lydia shook her head. “It is understandable. Someone as full of life and energy as yourself would naturally find the monotony of doing the same things over and over again nearly excruciating.”
He was nodding along. “Thank you. You understand perfectly.”
She smiled, feeling a wave of sisterly affection for him that seemed to come from nowhere. She wished to help him but could not see how she might manage it. Hopefully listening to his worries would be help enough.
“To the point of why Ididcome though...” He straightened a bit, suddenly appearing bashful. Lyda grew wary. “Well...” He took a deep breath, giving her a chagrined sort of smile. “You may have noticed my increased attentions toward you.”
Lydia struggled to keep her face impassive, but internally, she was flooded with dread. Was he about to declare an intention to court her? And she had just been ruminating on her very sisterly feelings toward him.
“To own the truth, I had an interest in courting you.”
