But apathy was far preferred to the pain of heartbreak.
***
Candles had been lit to combat the growing darkness when Lucas finally entered the house. But he had needed the time to think, to determine which aspects of his life he had gotten as wholly wrong as how he’d been remembering his sister’s life with sorrow.
He was nowhere near deciding anything though. It was all too much a tangle, and it was growing frustrating trying to discover which things had always been a part of his temperament and which had been self-imposed atonements for his part in his sister’s death. Removing those atonements was sure to cause even more difficulty. He was beginning to wonder if he wanted to do it at all, but he kept drawing back to mind his father’s words and the feeling he’d had when he chuckled at a remembrance of his sister. It fueled his desire to try.
As he passed into the family wing, the entire house quiet and still, his eyes fixed on the door that was Miss Faraday’s. A pang of longing and disappointment hit him, causing him to stop. If only he could manage to unravel this mess of emotions faster—if only he could have treated her better and never brought the look of horror and disgust to her face that she’d had upon quitting the study that morning.
Maybe he might begin anew. Perhaps he could convince her to care for him again—broken though he was. Yet he feared that it was impossible. After how he’d treated her, could she ever forgive him? Enough to love him?
Dash it all, though, he still wished to try. Would it be possible to mend the friendship first? To gain back her trust? He would even be willing to wait for her to receive her inheritance if it would help her to know she had control of her own life. She’d been willing to give up so much for him, and he’d just thrown it back in her face. But hope made him nonsensical. Maybe there was a chance. He would apologize, and then he would court her as if his life depended on it—for it did.
It was a plan. And heaven knew he was very comfortable following a plan.
He stared at her door a moment longer, holding back from the wish to knock on it just then. He forced his feet to keep moving, but then another door caught his eye. Charlie’s.
Not bothering to knock for fear of waking his brother if he slept, Lucas pushed the door open. Charlie sat on the bed, a book in his hands. He looked up as Lucas entered.
“First you nearly lead me to an early death, now you enter my room without permission? Honestly, I am not sure which is worse.” The jest was clear, though Lucas did feel a residual jolt of dismay at the first part of it.
“The room, certainly,” he returned, coming to a stop at the foot of the bed.
Charlie smirked. “You know, I think you are right.”
Lucas shook his head with a hint of a smile. “I came to see how you fare.”
Charlie shrugged, grimaced, then responded. “Well enough. I am certain to have scars that will endear me to the fairer sex.”
“I am sorry, Charlie.”
Instead of accepting his apology, Charlie scoffed—loudly. Then he threw his book onto the bed and sat forward more. “Would you stop apologizing?”
Lucas frowned. “I only did it the one time.”
“But you arealwaysapologizing or, worse, acting so benignly and perfectly that you would never owe another an apology. Truly, brother, would you stop? It is as if the entirety of your personality has become one great apology, and I, as your brother, have a duty to inform you that it is bland and frustrating all at once. I imagine you will even apologize when proposing to Miss Faraday. I can see it now—” He lifted his hands in front of him as if painting a picture with his palms. “Miss Faraday, I offer myself to you, body and soul—Oh, my apologies, body, soul,andheart. And I apologize for taking so blasted long to come to realize my affection—” He cut himself off there, raising a brow at Lucas. “Actually, youshouldapologize for that part.”
Lucas was honestly shocked, less at the display of mirth and more at what Charlie was saying. “I have no intention ofproposing to Miss Faraday.” Yet. And he didn’t really appreciate Charlie rubbing dirt in that particular wound just now.
Charlie stared at him. “Are you daft?”
Lucas was beginning to feel so.
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”
Lucas met his brother’s eye. No point lying. “Yes.”
Instead of answering, Charlie scooted to the edge of the bed, grunting a bit at the exertion.
Lucas backed up. “What are you doing?”
“I do not know, but I know I cannot talk sense into you lying in bed. It’s the—ugh—” He shifted again. “The principle of the thing.” Finally, he made it to the edge, his feet hitting the floor, and he pierced Lucas with a look. “Do you want to know why I chose not to court Miss Faraday?”
“Because you determined you were not ready to marry just yet.”
“Well, yes, but besides that.”
Lucas watched him suspiciously. “You gave no other reason.”
