He was struggling now, but so was I. There was so much that needed to be said between us, and it seemed that neither one of us could find our voice—nor could we pull our gazes away from one another.
Calum had always sucked the very oxygen out of the room, and I was dismayed to see that hadn’t changed. I still felt breathless, starved of oxygen. Beneath that, I was spitting mad and confused. The deep sadness in his irises made mehurtfor him; and I didn’t want to hurt for him.
I tried not to notice how kind the years had been to him. His features had sharpened with age, and he seemed to loom even taller over me. He’d always been lean and fit in our late teens, too, but he had packed on maybe twenty more pounds of sheer muscle.
The tousled dark hair I used to grip had been buzzed short on the sides and left longer on top, styled back with gel, and the tattoos peeking out from his shirt collar were beautiful and artistic, but still a strange sight for me. I’d known from watching music award shows that the rest of his body was decorated in ink and metal. It added to his rock star appeal, but it was still odd to see on him.
My assessment complete, I swallowed hard and returned my gaze to his face, finding him still watching me with an odd brightness in his eyes. He smiled, leaning forward and gripping the counter.
I followed the movement, needing respite from the confusing electricity thrumming through my traitorous body, but that didn’t end up helping. The letters inked across his knuckles stood out boldly against the alabaster counter. The Poe reference stroked the embers of my bookish heart. I stubbornly pursed my lips, raising my eyes to his again.
He was still appraising me; this time dedicatedly and cautiously. I couldn’t help but wonder what he saw when he looked at me.
My heart stuttered in my chest at the thought, and I exhaled sharply in frustration. It wasn’t fair, the effect he still had on me; the unrelentinggrip, and it was almost easy to forget the years.
It didn’t matter what he saw when he looked at me, because all I saw when I looked at him werethoseyears. The lost ones. The way he left. The way I felt when I realized he was gone.
My lungs felt tight, and my eyes burned. I had years of pent up frustration to lob at him, and the guilt I was contending with was making it hard to focus on the hurt still embedded in my heart. But I couldn’t do that to him. I knew how much his grandfather had meant to him.
“What are you doinghere, though?” I asked, my voice an octave above a whisper. Somehow, he heard.
Calum’s bright eyes swept over me before locking with mine, his jaw clicking with emotion.
For a moment, I got sucked into their depths—into the swirls of green and blue. Depending on his mood, they’d appear more one way than the other. Right now, they were more blue than green.
I could practically see the thoughts spinning behind his pupils, but we were running out of time. Any moment now, Asher would be walking through the doors, just like he did every day after school. That jolted me back to the present, and I took a solidifying breath, about to ask him to follow me into the back.
When the door chimed, I froze. Asher’s voice drifted over, and my heart thudded unevenly in my chest.
“I figured I would—“ he began, his focus still on me, but Asher chose that moment to come barreling toward the counter, his sudden appearance at Calum’s side sending him into a shocked silence.
Asher’s dark hair was wind-tousled, his hat nowhere to be found, and his navy jacket unzipped, despite my warnings to stay bundled. It was early April, and still cold out.
White headphones rested around his neck, and I knew the iPod he carried everywhere was tucked securely in the pocket of his North face jacket. He might forget his hat and zip up his jacket, but he was endlessly careful with my old school 5thgeneration iPod—the same iPod Calum had gifted me for my eighteenth birthday.
“Hi Mom!” he said, halting before the counter and peering up at me. “I’m starving! Can I get a donut?”
Calum froze, his eyes moving to Asher, who hadn’t noticed him yet. Not that our son would recognize him. After he left and fell off the grid, I packed away every single photo of the two of us, placing them in a shoebox on the top shelf of my bedroom closet. I couldn’t bear to look at them anymore. Even if Asherhadseen the photographs; Calum had changed so much.
But Asher had his father’s ever-changing eyes, his dark hair, even his lips. Their resemblance was undeniably obvious, and Cal’s head turned to me for an explanation. His irises darkened, and it seemed as if he was reading the answer plainly written on my face.
I looked away from his intense gaze, reaching into my pocket for some money. “Get something for Nik, too,” I said, nodding to Asher’s best friend, who was waiting by a table of new releases, his head down and his hands in his pockets. “And get started on your homework.”
He nodded, flashing me a grin so much like his father’s, that it figuratively knocked me back. In my peripheral, Calum pulled his hand away from the counter to rub at the stubble on his jaw, his gaze volleying from me to Asher and back again.
“Thanks, Mom!” He reached out, taking the bill off me, and walked back to Nik. While the two boys stood in the café line, I turned my attention back to Calum. The intensity of his stare made me feel off balance.
Before I could open my mouth to tell him we needed to talk, he leaned forward, his hands pressing against the counter. Hands that had once cradled my face before he kissed me. Hands that once had brought me so much pleasure. Hands that hadn’t bothered to pick up a phone and reach out.
“How old is he, Harper?” His accusatory eyes flashed.
Mine narrowed defensively. He was drawing attention to us, now. People in the store were starting to recognize him. Shelly was openly watching the exchange, her eyes wide with astonishment. We couldn’t have this conversation here, nor could we have it out on the street, thanks to his celebrity status.
“Shelly, I’m taking a quick break,” I told her. She nodded and moved over to the counter, sending a starstruck smile to Calum. He didn’t even notice; his eyes were locked on me, his jaw tense. “Follow me,” I said, my tone clipped as I led the way to the back of the store. We passed by the café, and Ellery looked up, her eyes widening with shock when she realized who was behind me.
I glanced from her to Asher and back, and she nodded, wordlessly assuring me she’d keep half an eye out on him while I handled the latest storm ripping through my life.
Pausing long enough to type in the code, I opened the door to the back rooms, leading him into the storage room. We’d have privacy here. I stopped walking, turning to face Calum. His jaw ticked, his steel eyes swirling with emotion and questions.
