“Thanks,” I said hesitantly. I climbed off of him, feeling an achy breathlessness. I searched for my underwear, finding it in the cup holder between the seats across from where we’d been. “Well…they’re probably looking for me,” I said looking back toward the club,regrettably.
“Alright, let’s find your party.” Travis put his cap back on before he opened the door and stepped out. He waited for me with his hand extended, his eyes twinkling. He tugged down on the bottom half of my dress, his fingers brushing against the back of my thighs, sending little tingles of awareness shooting to mycore.
After paying the bouncers off to let us back in, we walked into the club. Travis lingered by the closed coat check and watched as I made my way across the dance floor back to the bachelorette party. Most of the girls were too inebriated to have noticed my absence. He nodded at me as I slipped unnoticed back into their fold. Katie shoved a shot glass in my hand, winking at me with a self-satisfied smile on herface.
“I told them you were making a call to check in on Aiden,” Katie giggled in my ear. “They don’t suspect athing.”
“Thanks.” The deceit still made me uncomfortable, but less so than it would have had I had to carry it bymyself.
“Here’s to love!” she toasted loudly, raising her glass high and winking atTessa.
“Hear, hear!” everyone shouted, raising their own glasses before tossing them back. The liquid burned the back of my throat, and my eyes instinctively went to the last place I’d seen Travis. He was gone, but my flesh singed where he’d touched me, as if imprinting his hands tomemory.
My mind was spinning and spiraling in millions of interwoven paths, filtering from one concern to the next. My therapist often referred to these as “obsessive thoughts”, and urged me to try different coping methods to redirectthem.
I let Katie drive home the next day, while I sank into the passenger seat. I was running on fumes, exhausted from struggling to stop the obsessivethoughts.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. I felt him, the way he’d touch me…and I wanted everything he promised. But I was afraid, afraid to start something and be left wanting. At least I still had my pride, and I wasn’t all that sure it would remain intact if Travis were to grow bored ofme.
It’s why I’d been so insistent that we wait until after the wedding to start seeing each other. And even after that, I wanted to keep things quiet for a while. I wanted to tell my family in my own time, and I didn’t want to risk the possibility of being an even bigger target togossip.
But already, I’d lostcontrol.
“What’s wrong?” Katie asked, pulling me from my pity party. “You’ve been kind of down all morning, did the visit with Travis not go overwell?”
“It’s not that,” I shook my head, recounting how wonderful he’d been. My reactions had little to do with Travis himself, and everything to do with my lack of trust in people ingeneral.
“So what’s the problem them?” she asked, turning to look at me with her brows pinched together inconfusion.
So many thoughts entangled my mind, and I couldn’t pause them, no matter how badly I wanted to. They came out in a muddledrush.
“I want to feel the way he makes me feel. I don’t know how to describe it but…he’s never made me feel like a victim, or damaged by my past,” I admitted. Katie drew in a deep breath, she knew how important that was to me; to be seen as something other than the damaged girl Iwas.
“Does he know about it? Like, all of it?” she asked, her eyes darting tomine.
“I don’t know. If he does he’s never brought it up,” Ishrugged.
“Don’t you think it’s something you guys should probably talk about?” shesuggested
“I’m scared to show him my scars. I’m scared that when I do, he’ll start to see me like avictim.”
Katie looked at me again, her eyes aching. “You’re a survivor, Becky, not a victim. You’ve finished school, you’ve got a great job, and family and friends who love you. You survived, and you thrived. You are literally the strongest person Iknow.”
Her words brought forth fresh tears, and she began to cry too. I nodded to acknowledge the progress I’d made. It hadn’t been an easy road, but I was proud of the leaps and bounds I’d made since everythinghappened.
“If I let him in, I’m afraid that I’ll lose everything I’ve worked for. My independence, my dignity…” I trailed off helplessly. “I don’t like feeling insecure, or giving him the power to destroy me. I don’t want to close myself off to love, but I guess I just don’t know how to open myself up to it, either,” Iadmitted.
Katie’s hand reached out across the seat to take mine. She squeezed it gently before she released it to hold the steeringwheel.
“Trust takes time to build,” she assured me. “But in order to build it…you’ve got to be honest about your thoughts and feelings. If he’s the right guy—and my Spidey senses tell me he is—then he’ll understand and he’ll help you work throughit.”
Travis
Icouldn’t stop thinkingabout her, running Friday night over and over again in my mind. What we’d shared in the limo had been heavy, and it had shifted something betweenus.
I’d never gone bareback before, but the moment she’d sank down on me, I didn’t want it to stop. It was heaven in its purest form. But that level of trust was something she’d never given me before, and I knew it unsettledher.
After four days of hearing nothing from her, and not seeing her at all around town, I was beginning to worry. I gave in and textedher.
