I stared at my bed, my hands tugging at my hair. I couldn’t stay in this room another night, not when my sheets still smelled faintly of her. I grabbed my duffle bag, tossing random articles of clothing into it.
Elle
The last five days had been insane. On Monday, I’d officially handed in my resignation and was no longer a paramedic for the city of Barrie. The relief I felt was immense. I was no longer letting my coworkers down. I’d felt like a dead weight for so long, and I knew this was the best route for everyone.
I’d also had a meeting with the landlord to transfer the lease over to Alex. She had been sad to see me go, but was thankful my roommate would be able to continue renting.
Unfortunately, everything else didn’t go as smoothly.
Alex hadn’t shown up to the meeting with the landlord, but he’d called her beforehand to tell her that he would come sign the new lease agreement later. He hadn’t been home, either. The first night, I waited for him. I wanted to tell him everything; lay it all bare.
The same thing happened the second night. I kept busy, packing up all of my things. I decided to leave the kitchen stuff Tessa and I had purchased when we first moved in, so that Alex wouldn’t have to replace everything. Besides, I was moving back in with Mom—I didn’t need it anymore, and it seemed cruel to take it.
I mostly took my clothes, the quilted blanket my grandmother had made, and my photographs. I had no attachment to anything else in the apartment. The only thing I wanted to hang on to was my friendship with Alex, and from the way he was acting—I wasn’t going to get to keep that. I knew it was unfair of me to even want to.
I’d stupidly forgotten my cell phone back home on my bed. I hadn’t been able to call or text Braden all week, and while I had sent him several Facebook messages, I had an uneasy feeling that he hadn’t got them. I was eager to get back to Parry Sound.
But I couldn’t leave without talking to Alex. He’d finally shown up, about an hour into me loading up my little car with boxes.
He crammed the last box into the back seat and closed the door. His hand remained on the frame, the muscles in his forearm taut.
“Well, that’s it,” he said, drawing in a deep breath and turning his head to look back up at the apartment. He’d avoided my gaze all afternoon.
“That’s not it,” I protested, shaking my head. I keep my arms wrapped around my midsection, my eyes fixated on his face and the slight tick in the corner of his jaw. He was aggravated, and he wanted me to leave. “I’m sorry, Alex. I should have never started something with you. You deserve better—you deserve someone who can give her heart truly and completely to you. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for it to happen. I wanted to love you like you deserved…but I’ve never gotten over him. I should have told you the moment I realized it, but I was afraid.”
He chuckled without humour. His eyes locked on mine, full of hurt and anger. “It would have hurt a hell of a lot less if you’d told me sooner, if I hadn’t had to find you…with him…like that.”
“I know,” I stepped towards him, my hands reaching out. “And I’m sorry. I truly didn’t want to hurt you. You are one of the most important people in my life.”
“Just not important enough,” he said, his tone defeated.
“Alex, you’re an incredible human being and I wanted to be everything you needed, butI wasn’t.Ifell short, not you.”
He nodded slowly and stepped away from my car.
I wasn’t sure if Alex could forgive me and I didn’t expect him to. Nevertheless, I wrapped my arms around him anyway. I wasn’t sure when I’d see him again, or even if I’d ever see him again.
“Thank you, Alex. For everything you’ve done for me, for being an amazing friend and person. You truly are an incredible human being,” I told him, my voice muffled by his shirt. My eyes felt heavy with tears, and a couple of them spilled over—his shirt absorbing them.
He said nothing, merely sighing. His arms came up to wrap around me for a second before he released me.
“See you around,” he finally said.
I opened the door to my Camry, watching as he disappeared up the walkway to the apartment that I used to call mine—ours.
I climbed in, slamming the door shut. The gray sky opened up, raindrops splashing against my windshield. I started the engine, casting a final look up towards the building. I could see Alex in the kitchen window, watching as I pulled away.
I drove as quickly as the road conditions allowed me, which admittedly wasn’t very fast. My fingers tapped harshly against the steering wheel. I closed my eyes, picturing Braden’s face in my mind.
We were always inevitable, and I’d always known that—even in the deepest stages of my denial. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my future; I didn’t know what I would do for work now that I was no longer a paramedic. I didn’t know if quitting the job that had me spiraling out of control was enough to make my post-traumatic stress disorder go away forever.
But the one thing that I did know was that I loved Braden Miller, and I wanted to be with him. I wanted to let go of the past and let myself be happy. I knew that I could find that with him; in fact, I’d already found it. Twice.
Bypassing the exit that would take me home, I took the one that would lead me to Braden.
His truck wasn’t parked in the driveway, but I ran up and knocked on the door anyway, leaving my car running and the door open. The rain was picking up now, each droplet seeming bigger than the one before it.
Becky answered my knocks. She eyed me suspiciously, taking in the frantic look in my eyes and my heaving breaths. “Where is he?”
