I spin the shot put in my hand, feeling its familiar weight. "Fraternities can be the same way. People think it's beer pong and backwards ballcaps. But the guys have become my brothers… They have been family to me. Everyone deserves that chance."
What I don't say aloud is my personal mission.Maybe if we have more gay brothers, I can figure out what the hell is going on with me. Tyler's my best friend, so he's out, and I sure as fuck ain't looking at his man Ethan. If I looked at Caleb that way, James would make sure I was indicted for tax fraud or something equally scary.
"That is most admirable," Haru says earnestly. His eyes drift past me, and I notice his posture straighten and his cheeks flush slightly.
I follow his gaze to Jamal, our quarterback, running wind sprints on the adjacent field. The football team often practices alongside us in the outdoor facility during winter.
"See something you like?" I tease.
Haru's face goes from pink to crimson. "I am merely observing the training techniques of American football players," he says formally, which tells me I've hit the mark.
"Jamal is single, you know," I offer casually.
"I do not, that is not, I would never presume—" Haru splutters, then narrows his eyes. "You are diverting attention from yourself, Gavin-san."
"What do you mean?"
"I notice you observe certain male athletes with similar interests," he says carefully.
The shot put suddenly feels ten pounds heavier in my hand. My pulse quickens.
"I'm just..." I start, then stop.What am I doing, exactly? The truth is, I don't know. I just know that lately, I've been noticing things. Different things. Men, specifically.
Haru immediately backpedals. "Please forgive my impertinence. It is not my place?—"
"No, it's okay," I say, surprising myself. "I'm... figuring things out."
Haru blinks at me, his dark eyes widening slightly. "You are...?" The question hangs delicately in the air between us, neither accusatory nor presumptuous.
I roll the shot put between my palms, feeling its weight ground me as I struggle to say what I've barely admitted to myself. The fluorescent lights suddenly seem too bright.
"I don't know what I am," I admit finally, my voice dropping lower so it doesn't carry across the training space. "That's the honest truth. But yeah, I'm questioning some stuff." The words feel both scary and freeing as they leave my mouth. It’s the first time I've admitted this aloud to anyone, let alone someone I've only recently become friends with.
Usually, everything I think about goes through Tyler, but this time… I don't know yet why I’m not talking to him.
Instead of shock or judgment, Haru's face softens with understanding. "Whatever conclusion you reach, I am most supportive."
"Thanks, man."
"Though I must say, you present as extremely heterosexual," he adds with complete seriousness.
This makes me laugh. "What does that even mean?"
"Your demeanour, your clothing choices, your social interactions—" Haru begins listing with precision before I cut him off.
"Okay, okay. I get it. I'm a walking straight-guy stereotype."
"Stereotypes are often misleading," Haru says wisely. "As you yourself pointed out."
Coach's whistle blows again, signalling the end of our break.
"Can we talk about the recruiting over lunch?" I suggest. "Tyler and Ethan are meeting us at the dining hall."
"Most excellent," Haru says, making a note on his clipboard. "I shall bring my complete list of potential pledges."
Forty-five minutes later, freshly showered and changed, I spot Tyler and Ethan at our usual table by the windows in the dining hall. They're sitting close, Tyler's arm casually draped over the back of Ethan's chair. Deep in my chest there’s a twinge, not jealousy exactly, but a longing for that kind of easy relationship.
"Hey, Golden Retriever!" Tyler calls out, using the nickname I can't seem to shake. "Over here!"
