Patrick had gottenup before me, but I could still smell the fresh scent of his body wash as it floated out of the bathroom.I hated how much I enjoyed the smell of it, mainly because it reminded me of the time I watched him jack off in the shower before we had the most mind-blowing sex.While I understood why he said we couldn’t keep messing around, it didn’t mean that I liked it.
It had been four days since we’d received a visit from the Silver Falls police and I’d filed a report.It felt oddly liberating to document the abuse I’d suffered at the hands of my husband, even though nothing could be done about it now.At the end of the day, I was at peace knowing that he could never hurt me or anyone else ever again.
I’d gotten a call from the funeral home after the morgue released the body to them, asking what I wanted to do with his body.It was hard to decide because I didn’t care what happened; I just wanted all of this to be over.The cost of the autopsy was covered by the Silver Falls Police Department, since they requested it.But the cost of transporting him back to Coyote Creek and burying him would fall on me since I was legally the next of kin.Given that I wasn’t currently working, I didn’t have a ton of disposable income to deal with this.
Patrick had suggested that I contact the Coyote Creek Sheriff’s Department to see if they would cover the expense to bring one of their own home, which they happily did.I explained to the funeral home that Detective Gomez would be handling the arrangements and that they should contact him for any additional information.While I still had to go to the funeral home and sign paperwork, at least I didn’t have to look at his body.It was offered, but I quickly refused and had a mild panic attack, which Patrick played off as grief so they didn’t question what was wrong with me.
I knew that I would have to go back to Coyote Creek in a few days to deal with his body once it got there, but for now, I just wanted to focus on today.I took a shower and then went in search of Patrick as I heard Christmas music playing in the kitchen.
When I walked in, Patrick was standing on a ladder, attempting to hang a strand of Christmas lights above the large window in the living room.His shirt lifted as he reached higher, giving me an unobstructed view of his abs in the process.
I cleared my throat to let him know I was there, so I wouldn’t startle him and cause him to fall off the ladder.
“Good morning,” he said, glancing down at me before returning his focus to the lights.He pulled them tighter, securing them on a nail sticking out of the wall before letting the rest of the strand fall as he climbed down the ladder.
“Good morning.I see you’ve been busy this morning,” I commented, grinning when I noticed all of the Christmas decorations he’d put up.I looked up, noticing the mistletoe hanging right above us.
“That I have.I needed something to take my mind off of fucking you, so I decided to put holes in the wall and hang some shit.”He shoved his hands in his pockets as he rocked back on his heels before leaning in to brush a light kiss across my lips.My heart fluttered as heat spread through me.
“I’m sorry—” I paused to laugh, his words catching up in my brain.“You needed something to take your mind off ofwhat?”
“Fucking you,” he clarified as he stood in front of me and his eyes locked on mine.“You were laying on your stomach, and when you kicked the sheets off, I got a perfect view of your ass.And since you decided to forgo panties last night, I also got to see your pussy."
“Oh.”I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing.Yep, I had done that on purpose, hoping he would get a good look at what we both knew he wanted.
“Don’t try to act like you didn’t do that shit on purpose,” he said, pointing his finger at me.“You’re a sneaky little minx, but I’m onto you.”
“Well, I wish you were inside of me, but ontopof me works too.”I grinned widely as he pretended to be frustrated with me.
“You’re going to be the death of me.You do know that, right?”
“You wouldn’t be my first,” I teased, but the energy in the room immediately shifted with the truth in my words.I shook my head and looked down at the floor, too embarrassed to look at him.
“Help me decorate the tree,” Patrick said, pinching the bottom of my chin to force my gaze up to his.
“You can’t just demand that I do stuff,” I countered, narrowing my eyes.
“Okay.Help me decorate the tree,please.”
“Better.”I nodded my head in approval and giggled as he shook his head and reached for me.
I knew that he meant it to be playful, but something about the way his hand tried to grab mine made me step back and freeze.We both realized what had happened before either of us could say anything.
“I’m so sorry, Poppy,” he apologized quickly.
“No—” I said, holding up my hand to stop him.“I shouldn’t be like this, for fucks sake.It’s frustrating.I know you’re not trying to hurt me.”
He kept his distance but didn’t take his eyes off me.
“While I would never try to hurt you, that doesn’t erase the fact that hedidhurt you.These reactions are valid, Poppy.You can’t expect them to just stop because he’s no longer here.You spent six months having to live through this; your body is conditioned to react in a way that protects you from his harm.That’s okay.I’m sorry for what I did.I should have thought about it before I reached for you.”
“I want you to be able to do those things, Pat.I want to be able to lean into your touch without punching you or freaking out.”
“Time, Poppy.It’s going to take time.You can’t just turn off what happened to you and expect everything to be okay because he’s dead.You have to heal first.You have to let yourself feel all of the things you never allowed yourself to feel when you were with him.You’re safe now, so it’s okay to fall apart.”
“I don’t want to fall apart,” I objected.“I want to keep my shit together and be around someone who I genuinely like without worrying about how my stupid body is going to react when he tries to touch me.”
Patrick grinned and took a small step closer to me, slowly extending his hands until I took them.
