Scout
I am tiptoeing around the elephant in the room.
Developing diabetes was always a fear of mine. It hung over my life much like dark storm clouds that would come and go. There were times I forgot about that cloud hanging over me, sure it would not rain down on me. It has though, so I have lived with dark, stormy days, and sunshine ones too.
During my trip to honor my mother, I came to terms with my diagnosis. It is not a death sentence even if it you think it moves the clock faster for you. All that meant for me was I wanted to see everything, do everything, and experience everything I could while I had a chance to.
Dating someone was never simple because I had to explain all the do’s and don nots. It is part of the reason I never dated men much. Women had more empathy for my illness. It might be harsh to say all men, but most men get turned off or want to fix what cannot be fixed. I never dreamed that Sebastian would be one of those men.
“Seb is not that sort of guy,” Aspen argues after I tell her my theory.
Aspen is the sweetest, kindest, most caring person I have ever met. We met at the bar one night and hit it off. At first, I thought I had a crush on her, but it turns out I was seeking a friend I could trust and count on. After an awkward date that should have been perfect, I knew I had to talk with her.
“Well, I did not think so before that night. Now, I don’t know. I think we might be rushing things. Neither of us knows how to date someone. Hell, I have not dated the opposite sex since in a decade. You ever consider letting me join you and Asher, it would solve all my problems, beautiful.”
Aspen flushes as we laugh, because I often tease her this way. “No. Asher is all mine, darling. Just the way Sebastian is all yours. I see that man up there on that mountain all the time. He hid from everything for a long time. Since you two met, he stopped hiding. This is agood thing, Scout.”
Taking a bite of the sweet tart from Bria’s Bakery, I chew thoughtfully. It’s a beautiful day, I am with my new best friend, eating some of the best sweets in the county, and I have a strapping, sexy man who wants me. There is no reason to be so upset. Except this is agood thing. Good things have never lasted in my life.
“Yes, thisisa good thing,” I repeat her words, but I am doubtful.
“Do not make it a bad thing. Asher is the same way. Before we got together, he tried to keep me at a safe distance. He tried to ignore what we felt when we were together. Because he thought it was too good to be true. That I would find a flaw in him somehow,” she murmurs gently, sipping her tea.
Yes, I know their story. Aspen knew he was the one for her despite an age gap that might make people talk, and Asher’s stubborn ways. They might have been opposites in almost every way, but together they make sense. I had thought the same about me and Sebastian.
To anyone asking, we make little sense. He is very focused, driven in his work, and somewhat withdrawn from others. I am aimless, with no desire to keep a regular nine-to-five, and I love meeting new people and learning about them. On paper, we make little sense, but I thought in the light of day we were perfect together.
“Sebastian is not the flawed one. I am. A point he has pointed out to me. I do not want him to think he needs to take care of me. I hate the idea of anyone taking care of me.”
Aspen lets out a little sigh, reaching out to take my hand. “Honey, that is what we do when we care about someone. They become our priority. You have become his priority. He wants to take care of you. Like I said, it is a good thing. Do not give up on him or on yourself because you feel guilty.”
“I won’t do anything rash, I promise,” I tell her as I call an end to our lunch date. I cannot sit here and lie to her even if I can lie to myself.
We agree to meet up with Quinn, Brielle, and a few others tomorrow night for a girl’s night. I joke I might even get Tre to close The Rusty Nail just for us. Even as we talk about her marriage to Asher, and them trying for a baby, and how good our lives seem to be, I am drowning in that doubt. Because I know I have no intention of being here for girl’s night.
Despite my promise, I am doing something rash.
I will not stay here with Sebastian and let someone take care of me. I swore I would never be that person. I love my mother and wish I could have had twenty more years with her. But I can’t. I hate knowing how she hated those last months, how she hated being cared for. My mother wanted me to live my life to the fullest, not slow down for her or anyone.
Even thinking about Sebastian learning to help track my carbs or give me a shot, or worse, shove a glucose tablet down my throat if my blood sugars plummet, it makes me miserable. It would make him miserable. I cannot do that to him. How would he still want me, still think I am beautiful, or want to have a long-term relationship with someone who is always sick?
Once I finish our outing, with a promise to see her tomorrow, I rush home. Grabbing the leather bag that has seen half of the country with me, I begin hastily packing. Some things I can leave behind, but I will have to go to his cabin for things I cannot stand to leave behind. That means facing him to tell him I won’t be sticking it out here in Driftwood Peaks.
“No one needs another burden,” I tell myself as shaking hands shove the few things I own into the bag.
What does it matter if you want them to be your burden too?
All my breath explodes out of my lungs. I fall back against the wall and slide to the floor with a thump. Covering my face, I break down for the first time since I lost my mother. My cries, my wails of pain, they echo back at me as I shudder with sobs, tears staining my cheeks.
I am so tired ofgoing. Of picking up the pieces and trying to move on. I wanted to be still for a little while. To have a place where I could breathe again. Where I could shake off the loneliness of the long trip of grief I took after losing my mother. It lasted so long, and I thought it was over, but it will never be over. Losing her changed my makeup, my brain chemistry.
“How can I face him? How can I tell him I do not want this anymore? He will see that I am lying. Hear it my voice because I can hear it now,” I talk to the quiet of the bedroom, frustrated that I see no way out of this.
Grabbing my bag, I run from the room, leaving the keys on the hook beside the door as I lock it behind me. I race down the steps to my scooter, swiping at my face as I go. I will let no one see me fall to pieces. Only it seems as if the entire world is against me making a great escape.
“Scout,” an all-to-familiar voice calls, sending my pulse skittering. Turning my head, I see Sebastian with a handful of the other guys from the landing. Should have known they would be here for lunch. “Hey, honey.”
Panic seizes me as he saunters over to me, tall and handsome, with a big smile on his face. That smile owns my heart, and it always will. I wish I could stay; I wish I could let him own all of me forever. But I can’t. The guilt and the discomfort of having him take care of me would eat away at me.
