“So, you’re just gonna abandon me and Mom?”
“Love doesn’t exist, son. Only duty.”
When your father tells you one random Wednesday afternoon that he never loved your mom, your immediate reaction is to think that he’s lying.
Until he walks out with two suitcases the following morning, not even bothering to comfort your sobbing mom.
It’s hard to fall asleep at night when you realize that your whole life has been a lie.
The hugs before and after work.
The I love yous.
My dad always used to make Mom a coffee in the morning, one sugar, just how she liked it. They’d kiss before leaving for work, and I always used to shrivel up with disgust, thinking it was gross how they shared saliva.
But it was a lie.
Everything was one-sided.
My dad was using my mom.
But, why lie to me for eighteen years? Why bother putting on a performance if the performance was eventually going to end?
It feels like I’ve been robbed of a childhood.
It feels like a crime.
Suddenly you’re in the middle of it all. One parent is warning you how dangerous it is to trust. Another parent is telling you why sometimes, it’s good to lie to get what you want.
“Good people always finish last,” says my dad. “Always remember that.”
That quote is why I decided to intern in the Las Vegas police department.
The law is a fragile thing. If you break it, you face consequences, but sometimes it can be worth it to get what you want.
Sometimes.
When you work in law enforcement, you move through the world neutrally. You get to see things for what they are. You strip down the lies and see everything objectively.
Because you’re in the middle.
And when you’re in the middle, you’re in the safe zone. No loyalties, no attachments.
Life doesn’t happen to you, because you’re the one who gets to decide who wins and who loses.
13
CARMEN
“We’ll protect you.”
I didn’t realize that was the sound I picked for my alarm clock this morning.
I rouse from the sleep I didn’t even remember falling into, stretching my arms above my head. I pause halfway, tensing when I find all three of the bikers staring down at me.
Some personal space would be nice.
“Which one of you delightful assholes do I have to thank for tranquilizing me last night?”
