I felt the bile rise again and held myself against a wall, gagging. But I forced my mouth closed and swallowed; if she’d lived through my cruelty, I’d be strong enough to relive it. My phone vibrated in my slacks, and when I pulled it out, I felt even worse.
Nina:Hey, Linc. Are you coming home? You’re usually back by now.
I closed my eyes.Home.I knew it was a slip. She’d been resisting it, but we’d been getting somewhere. I thought of my stupid, stupid notes. My plan to flirt and win her over. Immature. Pointless. Hurtful. Infinity Weddings. I’d done that too. Sure, it’d been Natasha’s fingers deleting slides and typing shit, but I’d given her the idea, and she ran with it. Hell, I also did. All ’cause I’d fucked her. I had to swallow bile again. It made sense that she was the woman I’d been with.
I pushed myself off the wall and turned north again onto Broadway. The air reeked of grease from late-night diners. I shoved my hands deeper into my jacket pockets, shoulders hunched as if I could fold myself smaller and disappear. But the memories wouldn’t let me. I ran through every unforgivablething I’d done and replayed every single one with sickening detail.
All but one.
She’d been getting ready for a scholarship interview. She wanted a shot to afford the big fancy school on the East Coast, and not the too-expensive in-state institution. “Fly away, little songbird,”she’d murmur during College Seminar.She was good to go. Until she wasn’t.
“Lincoln Carter, please, come to the principal’s office.”
She was in one chair. I was across from her. She’d never looked at me with hate before. Sadness, annoyance, grief, yes. Never hate. I swallowed, just like I had back then.
“Ms. Reyes is distressed because a personal box, very important to her, seems to have been… misplaced,” the principal explained.“Mr. Carter, Ms. Reyes claims that her box was peeking out from under your driver’s seat when she arrived to school. It sent her into a health crisis that made it so she’d be in no condition to interview with NYU.”
The weight settled on my chest, making it impossible to breathe. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember taking the box from her. That was Dr. Ross’s whole point, though, wasn’t it? I managed to keep my mouth closed so I wouldn’t throw up, but I was still blocking the memories from how horrible I’d been.
It’d been me, though, because when the principal asked if they could look in my car to clear the misunderstanding, I opened the door. And there was her box.
Nina had jumped at and slapped me. “How could you?”she’d said over and over again. Another stupid cruel prank of mine. She’d worked herself up into an asthma attack. I knew now that’s what the health crisis had been. And she’d lost her opportunity to interview for a full ride to the college of her dreams.
I’d done that. Even if I still couldn’t remember. Even if after they told my father, he had beaten me to the point my ribs werebruised for weeks. Bruises I hid. Bruises I still felt a month later when I’d set Nina up behind the bleachers. Even if I’d coughed up blood, Nina had gotten the worse end of the stick, again. I’d bet being free of student loans would have made a difference. A whole lot of difference. And I ruined that. No matter what I did. I couldn’t outrun the past I’d made for her. There was no forgetting her pain this time.
I turned onto Lakeview Avenue and walked until I hit Diversey, then stared at my apartment building. It left me hollow because it stood for every cruel thing I’d done to achieve it. My phone vibrated again.
Nina:I can stay with Vinny. I said I’d move out. You don’t need to avoid your own house.
A laugh slipped out, thin and uneven, the kind you let out when the joke’s at your own expense. Nina wasn’t leaving my fucking house. I understood now. I knew what I needed to do. Accept that I could never atone for who I’d been, then ensure I’d fix everything she’d lost because of me.
I searched for the contact and placed a call. She answered on the third ring, her detachment bleeding through, even when she wrapped it in a smooth tone.
“Hey,” she said. “I was wondering where you went. I thought you’d be coming.”
“Can I stay with you tonight?” Silence. “Just for a night,” I added.
“Sure. If you must.”
“I can’t be around Nina. I can’t ask anything else of her.”
She exhaled. “Okay.”
Carmen shuffled around on the other side; she was about to hang up.
“Hey.”
She breathed to let me know she was still there.
“No more cold feet. I want to burn everyone’s world to fucking ashes,” I hissed. “Nina’s cousin’s. Natasha’s.Mine.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Carmen chuckled. “We’re getting there.” She exhaled. “Come on over, I’ll text you my address.”
With that, I hung up and walked into my building, knowing, for once, I was doing the right thing. Even if it hurt.
17
Nina
