“It’s okay if you need to go,” I said, feeling a hundred times braver than I had been after the nightmare.
“In you get,” he said as he stepped toward the bed and pulled back the covers.
I climbed into bed, sinking into the soft mattress. Marcus tucked the blankets around me, wrapping me snug, like a burrito, before he lay beside me, with enough distance between us that I knew he respected my space.
He’s not close enough.
I untangled my hand from the blankets, reaching out and gripping his fingers, anchoring myself to him once more.
The last thing I saw was Marcus’s gentle, reassuring smile.
The last thing I felt was the brush of his fingers on the back of my hand.
The last thing I smelled was citrus shower gel and Marcus.
The last thing I heard was Marcus’s breaths beside me.
And somehow, knowing he was alive and safe, I slept.
TEN
Marcus
After the nightmare,we didn’t go on our date outside, but we spent time together inside Guardian Hall, sometimes just us and sometimes with others in group activities.
Like now, when I was leading a counseling session to talk about sexual health, which was fucking awkward, given Tyler was sitting in my peripheral vision. I couldn’t stop wondering what he might be thinking. Was it too soon to even be thinking about us in that way? I felt a surge of guilt and uncertainty, and it took everything in me not to glance over all the time. I’d never felt this off-balance before.
“So, in summary,” I began, catching everyone’s eyes. “Before worrying about what anyone elsethinks, know yourself first. Your bodies have been through a lot, but they’re still yours, strong and capable of amazing things. So, let’s start simple. Tell me one thing you feel positive about—something that feels good or right to you, even if it’s small. It’s all about starting somewhere.”
“Like what?” Daniel asked, looking skeptical.
I gestured toward him. “Well, you work out daily, and your muscles have muscles…”
He mumbled something under his breath, then tilted his chin, a smile tugging at his lips. “I’m trying to get back to where I was, is all.” He paused. “But yeah, I’m feeling strong right now.”
They went around the circle, and Emily was up next. “I’m letting my hair grow, and it’s soft. It feels nice when I run my fingers through it. I feel more like I can be pretty again.”
“You’re fucking gorgeous,” Daniel said, and Emily went scarlet. “Sorry, that was inappropriate,” he added.
Emily shook her head. “I liked it. Thank you.”
It went on like this, with each person sharing something positive and significant that fed into their body image. When Tyler was the last to talk, his eyes brightened with emotion.
“I don’t have an outside thing,” he began andfrowned, “but inside my head, I’m here, and I’m trying,” he murmured.
Everyone nodded.
“Amen to that, brother,” Daniel said, fist-bumping Tyler. “A-fucking-men.”
Alex was waitingfor me outside the session, leaning against the wall, arms crossed. His expression was unusually serious, and he seemed nervous. “Hey,” he said.
“What’s up?”
“It’s my first real date tonight with Jazz. I ordered Italian, but now I’m second-guessing everything. What if he hates it?” He sighed, shoulders slumping as he sought my reassurance. Alex was nervous, and it was cute. “And I forgot about the kittens; whenever they’re involved, it’s chaos.”
“You want me to babysit the little assholes?” I asked.
He nodded. “God, please. Can you get the kittens from Jazz and tell him to come to my room? Don’t tell him what I’ve done; I want it to be a surprise, romantic.”
