Skating over to one of the face-off circles, I kneel, then roll onto my back and stare up at the metal roof. The practice facility is old and rusty. You’d think, given how much money this team has, they would do some upgrades to the structure instead of focusing on the interior.
Coach Harris is talking to the rest of the players, so I use the time to sing the song that has been stuck in my head since they played it during our game the other night. I’m shimming my shoulders inside my protector to the beat in my head as I sing along to the words of Lady Gaga’s “How Bad Do U Want Me”when Coach looms over, his arms crossed over his wide chest. When did he come over here?
“Olsen. Why are we singing, and why are you lying down? We’re not finished yet.”
“I needed a lie down,” I say, moving my arms and legs in and out like I’m making a snow angel. “Plus, it’s a really catchy song, don’t you think?”
He ignores my second question, choosing to give me an exasperated look and asks, “Why? Are you hurt? Sick?”
“No, I’m okay. But do you ever get the moments where you just need to lie down? For no reason in particular, except it’s nice to lie down.”
His lips quirk. “I can’t say I do unless I need to sleep.”
“You should try it sometime. It might make you less stressy.”
“Or how about you get your ass back in the net so we can wrap up practice and watch some tape?”
“Maybe.” I shrug. “I’ll think about it. I’ll get back to you in three to seven business days.”
The corner of his lips twitch. He can’t yell at me because I’m awesome, and he knows I always put in one hundred percent effort.
I flinch when Coach blows on his whistle. I hate when he does that. The rest of the team gathers around. Blaine takes a knee beside me and covers the cage of my mask with his glove.
“Ugh. Get your stinky mitts off me,” I squawk, using the end of my stick to jab him in the chest, and he grunts.
Coach sighs, scrubbing his face with his palm. “Seeing as our goaltender has decided nap time is earlier than planned, let’s talk about our plan for utilizing the power play…”
Once we’ve wrapped up with practice and watching tape, Blaine pulls his car into the parking garage beneath our apartment building. I go to grab the door handle, eager to get upstairs knowing Hunter is coming over, but Blaine wraps his hand around my wrist, preventing me from moving.
“What’s going on with you? I feel like I haven’t seen you since New Year’s.”
“Nothing,” I say a bit too quickly.
Blaine frowns. “Don’t lie to me, El. What’s going on? Are you still upset that you weren’t invited to the wedding?”
I slump back into my seat and let out a sigh. I hate that he’s phrased it like that.
“No, I’m over that now, but yeah, it did upset me. And I know I had no right to get upset about it. But I…” I chew on the inside of my cheek, wondering how much to share. I haven’t told him about how I’ve been feeling over the last few months since he got married. I didn’t want him to feel bad or to take it the wrong way, because the issue is purely all me. Hunter and Jackson are the only ones who know, and it’s never been like me to hide things from Blaine.
Tugging the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands, I bend one of my knees so the heel of my foot is perched on the edge of the seat. I hook my covered hands around my shin and lean forward until my chin is resting on my knee.
Without meeting his eye, I decide to rip off the Band-Aid.
“When you got married to Alex, I was really happy for you. I mean, I still am really happy for you. I love Alex to the moon, and I’m so lucky to have both of you… But there was this part of me that was scared you wouldn’t needmeanymore. It’s beenthe two of us since the beginning, and suddenly, it was like I’d been replaced in the order of priority, and I had a hard time adjusting to that.” I swallow thickly, feeling my face getting hot. “This isn’t anything personal toward Alex, because I think I would’ve felt the same regardless of who it was. Then at the same time, everyone in my life was starting to settle down, and they were becoming too busy for me, and over time, I’ve started to feel alienated. I’ve noticed I haven’t been invited to things, and whenever I’ve suggested doing something, everyone’s always been busy with their partner.” I turn my head away from Blaine until my cheek is resting on my kneecap. I stare out the passenger window. “I feel stupid, because the logical part of my brain knows I’m loved and people care about me, but I’ve just felt so lonely.”
Silence descends on the interior of the car except for the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. When I twist my head to face my brother, Blaine’s blinking rapidly, trying to clear his wet eyes.
“El.” His voice sounds like broken glass when he speaks. “I’ll always need you. No one could ever replace you.Fuck.” He wipes his eyes. “I’m so sorry I made you feel this way. I had no idea.”
I shake my head. “You don’t need to be sorry.”
“But I do,” he insists, turning in his seat to face me. “I knew something was up, and I should have pushed to find out what was wrong.” He cards his fingers through his hair and glances up at the roof of the car. “Fuck, El. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I chew on the inside of my lip, my own eyes beginning to dampen with tears.
“It’s okay,” I whisper.
“No, it’s not.” He shakes his head. “You and Alex are the most important people to me, and I couldn’t live without either of you. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t even think about how this change would impact you. And I should haveknown that. I’m your brother, for fuck’s sake. I know you don’t like change.” He tugs at his hair again in frustration, and I reach out to grab his arm.
