I rotated slowly, realizing that it wasn’t just me pivoting in this moment but maybe the rest of my life. When I was finally turned, I had to summon the courage to raise my stare. Lashes fluttering and heavy, they lifted so I could gaze into a face that held so many roles over the course of my entire life.
Friend, confidant, co-conspirator, secret crush, first love, first pain, enemy, memory…
“I’m sorry,” he said, taking my attention, ruining it for anyone else. “I’m so sorry, Toby. For that night under the mistletoe. For reacting the way I did, pushing you away. I’ve regretted it almost from the moment it happened, the second I saw the hurt on your face.”
My chin trembled. I stopped it. “Not enough to say anything.”
Swallowing, he ducked his head and nodded. “I know. I couldn’t.”
“Couldn’t or didn’t want to?”
“Maybe both.”
I made a pained sound, and he straightened, grabbing my arms like he was afraid I’d try and run away.
“I was so confused then. I felt like my entire life was falling apart.”
“Yeah, your best friend confessing really crumbled everything.”
“My dad was dying.”
I looked up. “What?”
Archer nodded, pain darkening his features. “We knew he was sick. We found out just a couple weeks before Christmas. He didn’t want to tell anyone. Said he didn’t want to ruin Christmas. And then after that, he said he didn’t want to tell people because they’d look at him with pity and treat him like he was sick. He just wanted everyone to treat him as they always did. He wanted everything to stay the same.”
“You knew…” I echoed, shock making my voice breathless.
“Yeah, we knew,” Archer confirmed. “Even then, the doctors weren’t too hopeful, but we hoped anyway. He thought he could beat it… He lasted longer than they said he would.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked, arms reaching up to grab his so we both stood there under the old oak, hands full of each other. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to. God, I tried a thousand times. But he didn’t want anyone to know, and I… I guess I wanted to keep things the same for just a little bit longer.”
“But I tried to kiss you.”
Licking his lips, he nodded. “Yeah. And I freaked out. Everything was changing. Football season just ended. My dadwas sick. You were planning college… I felt like I was losing everything.”
I shifted closer and whispered, “Archer.”
“But in my attempt to hold on to everything, keep it all the same just a little bit longer… I lost you.”
“I thought you were disgusted by me.” The admission sprang out of my chest like ten tons of pressure.
Archer made a sound. “I could never.” He was vehement, letting go of my arms so he could grab onto my face. His glittering blue eyes stared into mine, imploring and resolute. “Nothing about you could ever disgust me.Ever. I was surprised. I reacted epically bad. And then…” His voice trailed away. “It was too late.”
“We already hated each other.”
“I never hated you.”
“I never hated you either,” I whispered.
“Fighting with you became this focus,” Archer confessed. “This thing that got me through the day. I missed you, but I was also angry at the entire world. So I focused all of it on you…atyou. I wasn’t ready for anything more than friendship, but I hurt you too much to even have that. So I settled for being your frenemy.”
“You ate my eggnog creampuff,” I accused.
He laughed. “You should have seen your face.”
“I hid in the bushes across from the school and watched you walk to your truck in a towel,” I admitted.
