‘Alex,’ he said again and reached out to touch her shoulder. She froze and, to his horror, he could see the tears spilling over her eyelashes, firelight making them glow. When she didn’t pull away, he drew her closer, wrapped his arms around her and held her. ‘I’m sorry. Truly. I’m so sorry.’
She just shook her head. And what else was there to say? He’d called out Sally’s name, not hers. He’d called out her name a thousand times before when they were here together. For a moment, just a moment, he’d been lost, and so grateful that Sally had been there, and let him go to have this with Alex. And it wasn’t fair. And it wasn’t right.
But there was no denying that it had happened.
Alex trembled against him.
‘I don’t know what came over me,’ she whispered. The wash of shame hit him like a wave. He cursed himself.
Even though Alex had been all he could think of, all he could feel…he’d said Sally’s name.
He was an idiot. A fool. A bastard.
‘I’ll make it up to you,’ he managed at last. ‘Any way you want. Any way I can.’
But what could he offer her? How could she want anything from him now?
He kissed her hair, inhaled its floral scent and the traces of the sweet earth and leaves of the wild woods that lingered in itnow. She was still a de Wilde, after all. He would protect her, keep her safe.
Why had he said Sally’s name? He had felt acceptance, pleasure in his pleasure. For a moment he’d thought she was releasing him, letting him feel all he had lost again, with Alex. For just a second it had felt like they might have a future.
And he had screwed it up. Completely.
Or had it all just been some kind of cruel trick?
A flare of anger took him by surprise. Not at her, never at her. At the house. At the woods which had reached out through him and used her. At the trees. For the first time in his life, Nick felt a low burst of rage at the world that had made him. How could they do that? How could they use him to hurt her like this?
‘Alex,’ he murmured.
‘Stop.’ The word was sharp, and laced with pain. She turned away, wrapping her arms around her chest. ‘Stop saying my name. It’s too late.’
Nick cursed himself, and his stupid voice. This was all some kind of vile joke, something the house had dreamed up to torment them both. And it was working.
‘It was a mistake,’ he tried again.
‘Yes, all of this. It was all a mistake. I’m an idiot. You’re still in mourning and I took advantage of that. If anyone should be apologising?—’
‘What?’ He pulled back, and gently as he could, turned her around so he could see her face again. Alex didn’t fight him but once they were face to face she stared resolutely into his eyes. She wasn’t kidding. She was in deadly earnest. ‘You don’t understand?—’
‘You loved your wife and lost her. You clearly aren’t over it. I should never?—’
‘No. I mean, yes, I loved her. And yes, I might never be truly over losing her. But I wanted this. I wantedyou. Please, Alex,listen to what I’m saying. I wantyou. Have done since I first saw you. And I lost Sally long before she died. Her and Theo?—’
Now she really did jerk back in his arms, horror painting her features. ‘Sally andTheo? Oh, Jesus, Nick! What did my brother do?’
Oh, that. He hadn’t got around to explaining about that. It wasn’t exactly the kind of thing that was easy to broach. He shrugged. ‘Fell in love. Sally was easy to fall in love with. So was Theo. And I?—’
And I’m not, he wanted to say. I’m a monster. I’m a means to an end. Maybe I always was. Oh, she was good to me, and I adored her. But…
It wasn’t a matter of who loved who, or who was married to who. The land here wanted what the land wanted. It wanted him and Alex together now. So did Sally.
How could he tell Alex that? He’d terrify her again. That seemed to be the only thing he was good at.
At least the woods didn’t want her life. But they wanted everything else.
The house seemed to give a ripple of satisfaction. He felt his desire stir again. Already. The wild was gone now, sated. And the house was still waiting.
Wine and firelight and the two of them alone together and…
