“Great,” Frank said. “I’ll be going down to Ethan’s bay. Did you want me to tell him where you’ll be?”
“Absolutely, and again, Frank… I’m not used to having people care so if I’m awkward, chalk it up to my newness.”
“No worries, Jude. We all have to start somewhere.”
We said our goodbyes but I waited ten minutes before calling Mamma. I figured Frank would give her a heads-up, which I totally appreciated. Just like he offered to update Ethan on my plans. Mamma might be the heart and soul of their family but Frank was definitely the cement and mortar that was the structural foundation.
Forty minutes later, I was sitting in the kitchen with Mamma. She’d brewed chamomile tea to ease my nerves and then put out a plate of lemon cookies. Her brown hair, generously sprinkled with gray, was held back with large clips. She wore no makeup and had her share of crow’s feet, but she was pleasant to look at with her warm smile.
“You picked the perfect day to come calling, Jude. I’ve got a pot roast with all the veggies in the slow cooker, which gives us plenty of time to sit and chat while our meal makes itself.” She slid the plate of cookies toward me.
“I’m glad,” I said somewhat nervous and took a bite of cookie with a sip of tea. Actually, the tea was calming. But she obviously was waiting for me to say something. I huffed out a breath and said, “I’m not sure where to start.”
“Start anywhere and we’ll fill in the gaps as we go along,” she suggested.
“I went to see Bishop Sanchez and he denied my petition to leave the church, saying he didn’t agree with my reasons and…” I waved my hand for whatever ungodly reason and continued, “Well, you know… I’m with Ethan.”
Mamma put her finger to her lips with a thinking expression and then said, “The process toward laicization relies on one person’s opinion.”
“Yes, the bishop. He’s the one who decides to forward it to the Vatican. If he denies it, according to the Church it’s a done deal.”
“Jude, what are the repercussions for you?”
“Basically, the same as leaving a job. I lose salary, housing, and insurance. And I’m stripped of all clerical duties, like giving the sacraments. What I’m struggling with is closure. I feel having a formal seal of approval would make a difference emotionally, even if the results were the same.” Shaking my head, I added, “I know it doesn’t make sense. It’s all in my head.”
“It does make sense, Jude. If you had the approval, it would be like them firing you rather than you quitting. Is that right?”
I raised my eyebrow as some clarity hit. “I’d never thought about it like that but you’re right. So, if they’d been the ones to accuse me of breaking the rules and firing me, I’d be free of the responsibility of not returning. And I’d have my closure. But that didn’t happen so how do I switch it around?”
“When you walked away, you took things in your own hands. You understood what you needed. The way I see it, there was still a firing. When a boss fires someone, it would be a rare case for them to rehire the person.” Mamma smiled at me and patted my hand. “What I’m saying is a stretch but maybe try and see yourself as the boss of your own life.”
Then she got up to check the roast, releasing the pungent aroma of rosemary, thyme, and garlic into the room. “Smells delicious.” She added chunky pieces of potato, gave everything a stir, and put the lid back on. “Do you want more tea?”
“No, I’m good. I do have one more problem, really the one that I should’ve begun with. Do we have time before Frank gets home?”
“At least a half hour, if not longer,” Mamma said and retook her seat. “Is that enough?”
“Should be. It’s about my parents. I’ve dealt with them dominating my every move since childhood, specifically my mother But it’s never been this malicious and out of control. I still hear her words to Ethan in my head, and I can’t bring myself to care about contacting them. It was like she didn’t wantto believe that I’d make such a major decision on my own.” I slumped back in my chair.
Mamma picked up where I left off. “And she condemned Ethan because there was no one else. I don’t know your mother, Jude., but I’m guessing she never even thought of taking responsibility for never taking your dreams into consideration.”
“That’s about right,” I said glumly.
“This is difficult for me to weigh in on because I was raised in a very supportive family. When I told my parents that I was going to marry Frank and move to America, the news didn’t go over well—at first. And that was to be expected. But they rallied quickly and sent me off with a trunk filled with photos and mementos so as not to forget them. As if I could.”
“Was it hard on your mother?”
Mamma pressed her hand to her heart. “Yes, we were very close. It helped that I’d attended college here in California, but I’d always return for the summers, and they visited every year for a few weeks. Nevertheless, she’d cry now and then when she thought of not being with me when my first child was born or her grandchild’s first birthday. But she never wavered in her conviction that I had to find my own happiness no matter where it took me. And if Frank was the man, then she’d be happy for me, too.”
“No wonder you’re the way you are with your family,” I said wistfully. “You had wonderful role models.”
“Jude, did you ever go through with the restraining order?”
“No, I was in a panic in the middle of it. And the police officer’s opinion was not to do it, given they live in Philadelphia. Unless they began threatening Ethan or me.”
“Makes sense,” Mamma said. “Jude, are you looking for closure with them, too?”
My whole body tensed and I gripped the chair arms for support. “Can I? Can I give them an ultimatum?”
