I smiled because his response was just further confirmation of what I was coming to believe about myself. “I’ve always known myself as a submissive, a bottom. But because of my physical strength… my ability to take punches in the boxing ring like they were love taps, my endurance when cuffed to the St. Andrew’s cross, Doms beat me hard me knowing I wouldn’t break. Thorne and every other Dom who didn’t allow me to be anyone else… to be anything else but a whipping bag.”
Jude didn’t interrupt. But he kissed my temple, the corner of my mouth. And then he took my hand in his and entwined our fingers, waiting for me to go on.
“Over the years I’ve come to answer all my problems with raw strength. Because that’s what everyone else had done.” My voice cracked and I tightened my grip on his hand. “I withstood all the pain inflicted on me,Babbo. Yet not one of them ever cared aboutme. Took the time to see the man behind the muscle, much less offer me any kind of aftercare. When I ponder the last seven years, I’ve gotten through them with self-flogging. Yeah, the therapy has helped, but physical pain even if it was self-inflicted, eased the greater agony that was on the inside.”
“Baby,” Jude said, his eyes watery. “I’m sorry.”
I cupped his chin. “What you did for me tonight despite dealing with your own shit… no one has ever given me a greater gift,Babbo.” A self-deprecating laugh slipped out. “Sharing my revelation was a long way of saying that, with you I can let my guard down. I can be me even when I’m vulnerable. Most of all, you’re not here solely because of my muscle power. You’re feeding me with joy shining in those captivating brown eyes. I’d like if you’d be willing to do this again,” I said. “With me on your lap while you nourish me in so many more ways than food.”
“I was wondering if we could talk about me learning to flog you. I don’t want to be a Dom; the sense of being a power top is not in me. I’d rather you take the lead in bed and in our daily life, exactly like you’ve been doing. We can continue to experiment in small ways, like this.”
“I’d want nothing more,Babbo. I’d love for you to flog me because you’d flog me from a foundation of love.”
Jude pushed the plate aside and picked up a glass of water with blueberries and lemon slices floating at the top. “Here, baby. Cool your throat.”
I drank the water as I’d been instructed, and life couldn’t be better than at that moment. I didn’t say anything, but my remark made me wonder which dynamic he was referring to—a Dom/boy or a Daddy/boy? I’d never considered the latter.
Jude eased me off his lap and started to get up but I intercepted him. “I’ll clean,Babbo. Do you want anything from the kitchen?”
“No, I’m good,” Jude said.
I needed a few minutes alone to figure out how to proceed. I was glad that I had my epiphany. However, I hadn’t expected that our conversation would get so deep. Talking about what Andrew and I discussed, which had resulted in another eye-opening perspective, seemed too much for one night. But I also didn’t want Jude to think that I was stalling.
“You’re thinking mighty hard,” Jude said. He came up behind me and traced the shaved hairline around my ear and along the base of my skull.
I shuddered at the slide of his fingers. “You’re making me forget.”
“Is it about your session with Andrew?”
“Yes, but…”
Jude intercepted me. “Baby, as long as you don’t need to talk about it, neither do I. Let’s go to bed and fall asleep like we always do.”
I smiled because since the first time we’d slept together, no matter how many sexy positions we got into prior to settling down, Jude would snuggle close, putting his head on my chest. I’d tilt my head in his direction in a partial spoon with my arm on his waist. “Good idea,” I said, thinking about work the following day. Frank always assigned the restorations or problem cars to me, and I got off on the challenges, but success depended on me being mentally alert and fully rested.
Fortunately, the next morning I felt amazing. After I showered and dressed, Jude had my breakfast waiting. This morning it was Greek yogurt smothered in mixed berries, garnished with granola and drizzled with honey, accompanied with peanut butter on two slices of sprouted grain toast. I appreciated that our meals were well thought out and healthy. “Do you plan to keep me healthy for years to come?” I asked Jude in a teasing tone.
“Of course. But I figure eating nutritious during the week allows us to splurge over the weekends. You’ve gotten me addicted to Italian pastries. The cannoli”—he exaggerated with fingertips to his lips and a chef’s kiss—“to die for.”
I smirked because Jude had taken to Mamma’s cooking and the sweets at Noto Patisserie. I’d always watched my caloric and fat intake given that I stayed in shape for boxing. So, it was nice to have Jude with the same mindset. “I agree. But you’re creative with the healthy meals.” I indicated my plate in front of me. Then I looked across at Jude. “Our coming together boggles my mind sometimes. I suggested you stay here without ever thinking it might not work. You just started taking care of me like you’d been doing it for years. I think we should go on a dateafter work. It’s Friday night and I want to take you out. What do you say?”
“I’d like that, Ethan. A lot. I’m just wary about running into people from the parish.”
I deliberated for a moment. “Would you feel safe driving inland to Costa Mesa or Garden Grove?”
“I just keep thinking about when I drove inland to Cypress and that’s when Father Matthew was there. When I told the bishop about our encounter, he reminded me that Father Matthew had family in Cypress. I’m sorry, Ethan.”
“I just wanted to treat you, as a token of my appreciation,” I said trying not to show my disappointment. “I have an idea. A romantic dinner on our balcony overlooking the ocean is a perfect date place. Also, casual attire so no sweatpants. I’ll order dinner to be delivered from the best seafood restaurant in Long Beach. Have you ever eaten at Maxim?”
“Not on a priest’s salary,” Jude said, snorting. “But I’ve heard the members of the congregation rave about it.”
I held out my hand to Jude. “Will you honor me by going out on a date?”
“Yes, Ethan, I look forward to it.”
Eight hours later I could hardly wait. Driving home I reviewed a mental list of everything for our date. I’d ordered dinner, only somewhat shocked at the prices at the five-star awarded restaurant, but I’d decided the cost was worth making tonight the first one of many beautiful memories. During dinner, I planned to tell Jude that I was ready to make love. I was going to suggest that we use separate bedrooms to shower and dress, and at the decided time, I’d knock on his door to pick him up. Dorky? High schoolish? Maybe. But nothing was too much for Jude. His kindness and… I don’t dare say love, even though I believed that’s what he felt for me… deserved to be acknowledged.
I pulled my truck into my assigned parking spot and gathered my lunch bag, the bouquet of pink roses, and the wine I’d bought. I went through the main entrance of my building and pressed for the elevator. There wasn’t a doorman, and the security was non-existent. I didn’t mind when it was just me living there but now that Jude was staying with me and had unresolved issues with both the Church and his parents, I was uneasy about the easy access to him. And for some unexplainable reason, I felt jittery.
