“Ethan translated,what the fuck.”
“Hey, I thought you were on my side,” Frank grumbled, none to convincing.
I laughed and then Ethan joined in. Mamma chuckled as did Frank.
Ethan and I took our seats again.
Mamma moved to where Gabby had been. The four of us close together made for an intimate gathering, which I appreciated. “Mangiamo,” Mamma said to us.
“Oh, I know that one,” I exclaimed like a school kid. “Let’s eat.”
Mamma and Frank exchanged glances and Ethan warned, “Don’t get ahead of yourselves,” making us all laugh again.
The rest of the dinner was wonderful with lots of conversation about the sites in Italy that Frank and Mamma recommended I should go to. The lasagna was beyond delicious, and Mamma served cannoli for dessert with espresso.
By the time Ethan and I were ready to leave, Ethan said to Mamma, “I’ll call Gabby tomorrow and check in with her.”
Mamma kissed Ethan on the cheek. “Grazie, figliolo.”
I extended my hand to Frank but he took it in both of his. “You handled yourself tonight with Belle and then with Gabby in a manner that speaks to the good man you are. So, I’ll say it again, I am grateful that you’re with Ethan. He deserves only the best.”
Mamma of course gave me a bear hug even though she was at least three or four inches shorter than me. “Thank you…” I said, then paused, not sure what to call her.
“Mamma,” she inserted.
“See you in the morning,” Ethan said to Frank as we left.
On the way home, I asked, “Has Belle always been like this? I’m not asking for me. I mean for Gabby.”
Ethan didn’t respond right away. “I think since they began having fights over finding a sperm donor. Gabby wasn’t honest about her feelings and Belle holds grudges. I’ve seen it with Teddy. He joked about something once that was aimed at her. Nothing remotely rude. But she didn’t like it, and Teddy spent weeks groveling. Not that he gave a fuck. He made amends forGabby’s sake. Belle finally forgave him verbally. But she’s never really been the same with him.”
“That’s a shame. But I am glad that Mamma and Frank decided to delay our video call.”
“Yeah, me too,” Ethan said. “He would’ve been angry at Belle, which would’ve put a damper on meeting you.” He stole a glance at me when we were stopped at a red light. “Do you and I need to talk about anything that Belle said?”
“No, I don’t think so. You don’t feel that way. In her defense—which I say begrudgingly, I don’t think anyone can really appreciate what meeting in the confessional meant to us. With me wanting to come out but still within the parameters of my clerical responsibilities and you trying to free yourself from your past trauma…” I lifted his hand to my face and kissed his knuckles. “The confessional was our safe place. We’ve spoken about this before, but Belle’s outburst made me realize the truth of it. Baby, I don’t know if I would’ve ever had the courage to leave the Church until you and our clandestine meetings. If she has a problem with us, that’s on her. It’s what she said about you and the baby… as long as you’re with me.”
The light changed and Ethan’s attention was on the road. At my words, he cast me a sidelong glance, then he flipped on his blinkers and turned down a side street, where he pulled to the curb and put the truck in Park.
“Ethan, what are you doing?”
“Jude, as much as I’d hate not being allowed to be part of the baby’s life,” Ethan clasped my face in his hands and spoke with a genuineness that filled in another piece of my heart, “you are my future, not their baby. I want you Jude, first and always.”
I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to let him know that he was my world. But it was too soon to be open about my feelings. I needed to be free from the encumbrances of the Church and come to some kind of truce with my mother. So,instead of using words, I placed my hands over his and pulled him in close enough so that our lips were touching. And then I kissed him sweet and tart, soft and rough, so breathless that we sucked in the air around us and jerked apart gasping to breathe. And in that moment, I felt that we were each other’s universe. “Someday I’ll say the words I feel,” I murmured into his mouth, sharing my warm breaths with his.
Ethan nodded in silent understanding. Then he nibbled at my earlobe and whispered, “Let’s go home.”
He put the truck in gear and pulled onto the road. I was quiet for the rest of the ride, deliberating how to ask Ethan for what I’d been longing for ever since the day in the confessional when we’d mirrored each other’s hand on the lattice and confessed our growing need for intimacy. Today, after meeting his surrogate family and declaring his loyalty to me, I couldn’t ignore my desire for him any longer. I wanted him. Needed him. And I was ready to beg.
We were back in his apartment, in the bedroom. “You’ve been quiet,” Ethan said, as he yanked off his ankle boots. Unbuttoning his shirt, he came to stand in front of me. He ran the back of his knuckles along my cheekbone. “What’s going on?”
“Sit with me, please.” I picked up my phone and thumbed through my emails. When I found the one that I was looking for, I opened up the attachment. “I don’t mean to be crass, but I’m honestly not sure how to broach the subject. This will give you an idea.”
He took my proffered phone and for a long beat just stared. Then blinking, he read the results, this time out loud. “Negative.” He held up the phone. “When did you get these done?”
“I didn’t,” I said quickly. “Well, that’s not entirely true. Every year I had to get an annual exam. When I had mine threemonths ago, I had the lab technician include an STI panel. I guess subconsciously, I knew that I’d be leaving the Church and wanted to have proof if I ever trusted someone enough to have sex.”
Ethan went still, my phone now between us. His blank, unreadable face unsettled me as he stared down at the floor. For long minutes, I waited him out, letting him process my unspoken request with no idea what he was feeling. And I hoped that I hadn’t ruined everything. It’s just that I craved the final piece of what we meant to each other— a physical manifestation of our feelings.
