Me: Apologies for having to text you at work. But I have to meet the bishop at 6 PM tonight
Ethan: Where does he live?
Me: Here in Long Beach on Cota Ave
Ethan: I’ll pick you up at 5:30 barring no traffic delays. I’ll try my best to be there in time.
I looked at Ethan’s gracious offer. He only got off from work at five. Yet, he was rushing here from Newport Beach to sit in his truck so he could be there for me before and after my meeting. How could I not be attracted to the man?
Me: What will you do if I turn down your offer you’re just getting off from work?
Ethan: Show up anyway
Me: That’s what I thought. Thank you, baby. This means a lot
Ethan: I know. Got to go
Ethan sent a text at five thirty that he was five minutes away and advised me to be at the front entrance waiting for him due to high traffic. When his truck pulled in front, I hopped in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”
“I wouldn’t have let you go alone,” Ethan said as he drove through the circular driveway towards the exit. We need to avoid the 405, it’s jammed. If I take Willow Street we should arrive in sixteen minutes. Sound good?”
Ethan put the bishop’s address in his GPS via Willow Street, and we were off. “Tell me what happened today,” he said softly, holding my hand on the console.
I leaned back on the headrest and exhaled, staring straight ahead as if attempting to envision a future in which Ethan and I were out on a date. Going out to dinner maybe, somewhere along the coast overlooking the ocean. But I kept that to myself for now. “My mother’s call was first, and she screamed at me, her language less than kind. I couldn’t take it, Ethan,” I said, turning to him. “I told her that when I was settled, I’d be in contact, then I hung up.”
Ethan glanced away from the road but didn’t say anything. When he stopped at a red light, he turned fully to me. Skating his hand over my cheek, he said, “She didn’t deserve more, Jude. You have to set boundaries with her. Your dad, too, if he’s the same. Love is earned. Same with my parents. Do I wish I had it better with them? Of course, but I won’t let them debase me.”
The light turned green and Ethan got the truck moving again.
“My dad’s not,” I said. “When my mom isn’t on a call, my dad is reasonable. He’s not happy with my decision but I think he’d come to accept it eventually.” I watched the streets go by as we drew closer to the bishop’s house, and I started to feel sick to my stomach with nerves. It didn’t help that I hadn’t eaten more than a few crackers with cheese. “After I went to the Apple Store, I decided to have coffee in Los Alamitos. I figured it would be farenough from the church or where Father Matthew lived for me to be seen. I was wrong.”
Ethan squeezed my fingers. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, me too,” I said, trying for a smile and failing miserably. “Anyway, since the weather was perfect, I sat on the patio, which ran along the sidewalk. I have no clue what he was doing in that area but as soon as he spotted me, he sat down at my table.” I recounted the rest of my conversation with the priest to Ethan and ended with, “I don’t think I was rude, so much as in his face, you know? All I felt was that I was finally rid of him. And him not being a nice man made it easier for me to stand up to his bullshit. Plus, he’d been speaking to my mother again after the bishop told him not to. He used the excuse that Bishop Sanchez enlisted Father Matthew’s help in finding me. My grand exit was to trash my coffee and stalk out.”
“Jude, what prompted you to see the bishop?” Ethan asked, as he maneuvered the truck in the city traffic.
“I want this whole thing to be over. When I reviewed the canonical laws, if I’m not laicized, the bishop or any other superiors that he might call in can keep the petition going for months.” I lifted my shoulders in question. “I don’t know, maybe years. If the bishop is in a reasonable mood, I’m hoping that once he hears the finality in my voice, that he’ll set the laicization in motion. If not, then I’ll have to keep evading them. If they harass me, I guess I could put a restraining order on them. What do you think?”
“Later,” Ethan said, as he nodded toward the house that he passed in order to find a parking space. I gulped hard, my Adam’s apple feeling like a boulder in my throat.
After a few more times around the block, when Ethan was in front of the stucco house again, he suggested, “You better go inside. It’s a couple of minutes after.” Putting the truck in Park,he pinched my chin. “You’ll be fine,Babbo. And I’ll be waiting for you.” Then he gave me a quick kiss.
I began to open my door and then slammed it shut again. “Ethan, I should’ve worn my clerical attire,” I groaned. “I didn’t think. God, what’s wrong with me?”
Ethan grabbed the back of my neck. “Jude, your chinos and button-down shirt look respectful. You handed in your collar as a symbol of your resolve to leave. You’re dressed perfectly for the life you want to build outside of the Church. Go now,” he said with a little push. “I think I saw a figure by the window.”
“Fuck.” I didn’t dare lean in for a kiss and he didn’t offer one for the same reason—the bishop peeking out.
“Good luck, text when you’re done in case I’m parked on another block.”
“Okay,” I said, and then turned toward the house. I was halfway up the walk when the bishop was waiting on the threshold. “Hello, Father Jude.”
As soon as I was inside and he closed the door behind us, I dropped to one knee and kissed the ring on his outstretched hand. My eyes still lowered, I said, “Thank you for seeing me, Your Excellency. My sincere apology for not speaking to you in person before I left.”
Raise up and follow me, Father,” he said, his demeanor kinder than last time, which puzzled me. If anything, I expected him to be harsher. He led me to the room with the confessional, which resurrected memories of last time I was there, and his reaction led me to running away. He gestured for me to take my seat and then took his.
I went through my prayer and when it was time for me to confess my sins, I was at a loss. And that’s exactly what I said to the bishop. “Your Excellency, I broke my solemn promise of obedience to you by running away and abandoning my post in the parish. I had a run-in with Father Matthew this morning.I stood my ground when he was being disrespectful to me and interfered with my mother again.” I met the bishop’s watchful gaze. “I’m not being facetious when I say that I believe God would’ve thought I used great restraint before I retreated.”
