“No, for a few reasons. Regarding Jude, you and I know that you’d be understanding. Given the therapy you’ve been through, you’re not going to ask him for anything sexual unless he asks.”
“For sure,” I readily agreed. “He’s totally safe with me.”
“My point exactly. If you turn him down, he might approach another guy, who might take advantage of his inexperience in being out. Also, he’s met with you under unusual circumstances. As long as you’re willing to keep meeting him in the confessional, he can take as long as he needs to work through whatever emotional crisis he seems to be struggling with. In addition, he doesn’t risk getting caught. I imagine his superiors wouldn’t take kindly to him testing his gay wings.”
When Andrew was being especially compassionate, his eyes went soft and his brows were pulled together. “But as for you, Ethan, your heart is on the line depending on how bad you fall for him.”
Which is bad, I thought. “I’m already half there and I’ve never even touched him.”
“I can see emotion all over your face. May I make a suggestion?”
I nodded and offered Andrew a half smile. “That’s why I’m here.”
“Let him know that you like him. But you’re confused and you’d like to understand why he wants to have a friendship with you. Ethan, assure him confidentiality works both ways. Acknowledging your awareness of his position in the sight of the church should put him at ease enough to talk openly and honestly.”
I nodded a few times. “That’s perfect advice, Andrew. Even as I told him that I might not return, I was already regretting my words. I was confused on how to proceed, since my body physically reacted to him. So, to learn that he was gay… well, it was a lot to take in.”
“Understandably. I’m glad I could help. Now, as for your situation with Gabby, unless she needs an immediate answer, I’d rather you wait until our session on Thursday. You have enough to ponder, and I’d be concerned you’re overtaxing yourself with any more. Particularly with the magnitude of the issue.”
“I agree. As much as I hate seeing her in distress, I just can’t handle any major decisions right now.”
I smiled as I left Andrew a check to pay for the session. For a young guy, Andrew was still in the twentieth century when it came to using apps. When I began with Andrew and asked to pay him using his online banking, Andrew had said he didn’t trustrobots with his money. The answer surprised me, considering Andrew was not much older than me.
I thanked Andrew again and left feeling calmer, and a bit excited. I had a plan, which I was going to act upon—in the confessional.
EIGHT
JUDE
“You came,”I said in bewilderment, then flushed furiously as I immediately realized the sexual innuendo. “I-I mean, you’re here.”
“Yes, I’m sorry about saying I wouldn’t be back. Discovering you were gay… it threw me.”
My lips curled up in a quirky smile. “My admission threw me as well, Ethan. I’ve never come out.”
“Is that why you want to be friends?” Ethan asked, his bright expression registering his hopefulness. “Because of our orientation?”
“In part it is. But mostly, I happened to see a stunning, intriguing man sitting in a pew in my church, and I’m still intrigued. To what extent, I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I’m just glad you’re here. It’s been a long week without seeing you.”
Ethan appeared to be blushing but with his darker complexion, unless I’d had the time to familiarize myself with the nuances of his skin, it was difficult to spot the faint change in color.
“Jude, I need to be forthright. You’re a priest and I’m a gay man who finds you attractive. My struggle is that I’d like to keep seeing you, but it’s not going to be without me fantasizing about you in sexual ways. This is my therapist talking. He suggested I be totally transparent so you can make an informed decision. Is it just friendship? Or are you curious and wanting to experiment?”
“You talked to your therapist about me?” I asked, feeling warm inside and unlike Ethan, my pale skin pinkened.
“I had to, Jude. I stand to get my heart broken when you inevitably choose the Church over me.” Ethan splayed his hand on the wooden grille between us. “But what do you want?”
I hadn’t expected the conversation to take this kind of turn.What did I want?Did I have the courage to meet with Ethan outside the confessional?Apparently, that’s what Ethan was looking for if he was trying to protect his heart.
His hand was still on the partition. I began to raise my hand to mirror his, but I couldn’t yet.
Ethan’s question startled me. “Had you ever been with a guy before you started becoming a priest?”
I nodded numbly.
“Tell me about him,” Ethan encouraged and retracted his hand.
My neutral expression morphed into a soft smile. “His name was Finn. A tall, lanky athlete. He played soccer, a winger. Do you know the game?”
