When it was time for the Penitential Act, in which the congregation is invited to confess their sins, Ethan quietly left. I knew that I’d ponder his premature departure but right then I had one sole purpose, which was to lead the congregation in Mass.
I managed to stave off thoughts of Ethan until after the service was finished and I was on the church steps greeting parishioners as they dwindled out. First, I scanned the area for Ethan’s truck. I didn’t see it, but I also couldn’t see the street in front of the rectory from my position. The thought of him being just around the corner gave me a glimmer of hope that I’d spot him among the people who stood around talking to each other or in small groups.
However, as everyone left either on foot or piled into their vehicles, Ethan wasn’t to be seen. My shoulders drooped as I made my way back to the sacristy to remove the liturgical attire. There were five pieces, each having to be handled like the sacred garments they were. Once everything was stored away, my attention slipped back to Ethan—and my relentless curiosity about him. And then I groaned. Because attraction to a man made me think about my intention to laicize, which segued into having to deal with my parents later that afternoon. What were the chances that my mother had calmed down?
None at all, by her frazzled appearance when she answered the video call. I was insanely thankful for the geographicaldistance between us, as my parents lived in the same house where I grew up, in a suburb outside of Philadelphia.
I breathed in a lungful of air and let it out slowly. Then I began in a steady, quiet voice that—against all odds— I’d hoped would help appease her. “Mom, as much as you want me to stay in the priesthood?—”
“Yes, that’s what I want,” she interrupted, not caring I hadn’t even finished my sentence.
Remaining calm, I continued. “I’m the one having to follow the religious strictures on my everyday life. Not you. So?—”
“What am I, an idiot?” she shrilled, her eyes sparking with anger. “Like I don’t know what you sacrifice. Having a wife and a family. Well, let me tell you, it’s my sacrifice, too.”
Sobbing, she pulled at her hair. My dad stood up, his upper body out of sight on the screen. I saw him gently take her hands out of her hair and set them down on her lap. Then he massaged her shoulders and kissed the side of her head. When he sat down again, he tried to unfurl her balled fists to no avail.
I wished I could hug my dad right then. He was trying his best despite his own disappointment and shortcomings regarding my decision. Even with my dad’s intervention, I was walking a thin wire both mentally and emotionally. Neither of them ever asked me how difficult the decision was for me to make. I hadn’t decided on a whim. In fact, my choice to leave the Church was overdue. For five of the eight years since being ordained, I struggled with hanging on to my vows, to make the priesthood work for me. And in all those years, even my dad, who’d always been the peacemaker, never saw past himself.
Consequently, I was taken aback when he said, “Son, your mother’s point is valid. Shit, I’d love to have seen you with a wife and grandbabies, too. But this isn’t about us. I’d like to hear what’s prompted your decision.”
“Dad, I’ll tell you what I know is true to me but…” I indicated to my mother with a lift of my chin. “If I can’t finish, then I’ll hang up and we’ll talk another time.”
“Oh no, not again. You’re putting us off,” my mother protested.
Still holding her hands, my dad squeezed them. “Then we have to let him talk, Madeline,” he said, using her full name instead of Maddy, his nickname for her.
Unfortunately, my dad’s urgings didn’t work and my mom was going to start up again when I lost my cool. “Mom,” I barked and she stilled, her eyes and mouth opening like full moons. For an instant, I thought about apologizing and letting her have her say. But on the heels of my slight hesitation, I plowed on in a modulated tone. “Mom, you never asked me if I wanted a wife and family. Maybe that’s not the sacrifice at all. And no offense, Dad, but until this very moment, neither of you ever asked me what I wanted to pursue in life. But I’m not blaming you because it was up to me to say no years ago.”
My dad appeared perplexed. “When you were an altar boy, you used to say all the time that you wanted to be a priest when you grew up. But maybe that was also because the nuns and priests were always fostering that line of thinking.”
“Whatever it was, Dad, I still don’t know what I want. And that fact is both my problem and sad.” I looked at my mom, who was stone silent. Her mouth was a thin slash across her face. “Mom, I apologize for raising my voice at you but I needed you to listen to what I had to say without bashing me. You act as if I’m out to ruin your life?—”
“You are,” she interrupted, hissing. “As if wanting you to be a consecrated mouthpiece for our Lord isn’t good enough for you. Much less what people will say when they find out. And they will.”
And there it was. The truth. That neighbors and family would find out, and my mom would be ashamed that her son had quit. I sagged against the back of the sofa and dropped the phone to my chest.
“Jude Anthony,” my mother yelled. “Don’t you dare hang up on me.”
I raised to a sitting position again. “I didn’t,” I said tiredly. “Dad?”
Dad’s face appeared on the screen. “Right here, son.”
“Have Seth and Sadie arrived yet?” I asked, referring to my siblings, who were twins. Both were married with children.
“They’re not coming today,” my dad said, sounding almost defeated that he’d have to spend time with his wife without the buffer of grandkids. “There’s some kind of school function going on for the end of the school year.”
“Ah, okay,” I said. “I’ll call them each soon to check in.”
There was silence for a long while. I was about to say goodbye when my mother grabbed the phone from my father’s hand. “This isn’t over yet,” she warned, and disconnected the call.
Color drained from my face and I felt ill, like I was in a rowboat on choppy water. I splayed my hands on the sofa on each side of me, as if grasping the sides of a boat to still the rocking motion and accompanying nausea. A thought hit me, and my head swam with fear. What if my parents showed up at the church unannounced? Or maybe Mom would call Father Matthew to rachet up support for her mission. Either one made me want to run and forget about due process. Whatever the Vatican Council decided didn’t change the outcome of me leaving. I’d just wanted to follow the rules. I dragged my hand down my face. What else was new?
I checked the time and let my head flop back against the sofa cushion. Only three thirty and I wondered what to do for the rest of the afternoon. Sitting in my lonely house would only getme morose and sicker than I already was. Yet, I didn’t have the energy to get up. Before I knew it, I dragged the throw cover over me. Turning on my side, I pulled the fleece up over my mouth and then farther up, until my face was covered. With daylight blocked out, I took a shuddering breath and closed my eyes. But I wasn’t able to shut down my thoughts. However, it wasn’t my mother or Father Matthew or even the Pope that was on a reel in my mind.
It was Ethan, his green eyes meeting my gaze as they had at Mass.
FIVE
