She looked us over for a second and then asked with a twinkle, “Valentine’s Day dinner?”
My head snapped to look at Jude but all he did was shrug. “Now that you reminded us, we’ll celebrate the holiday.”
“At least you both forgot, so no damage done,” she said chuckling. Then she asked, “Would either of you like a drink from the bar?”
Turning to Jude, I said, “I’m going to order wine. If you want, I’ll get a bottle.”
“I won’t drink that much,” he said. “A glass is fine for me.”
“Two glasses of your best pinot grigio and water, please,” I said, appreciative the woman was gracious. One thing I enjoyed about Southern California was I never felt under a microscope for being gay. With San Francisco to the north and San Diego at the southern end, the state was bracketed by a spectrum of people under the Pride umbrella.
“I’ll have the bartender select a nice vintage.” She’d been holding two menus and placed them on the table. “Take your time reviewing our options.”
“This is really nice, Ethan. Although, I’m not sure about us celebrating… you know, this holiday.”
I sat back in my chair, curious about his comment. He had said he loved me hundreds of times. “Why not?”
Jude’s eyes widened, puzzled by my question.
I continued before he could find reasons to disagree. “Tesoro, the day is about love. There is no rule that states a person has to be in a committed relationship. Regardless, I’m under the impression that you love me. Or do you say itbecause at some point in our living together, you felt you had to reciprocate my feelings?”
I died a thousand deaths inwardly when he didn’t answer my question immediately; that a declaration didn’t just flow from him like it did for me. I wanted to strangle him at this point. “So, that’s why you ran. And I was stupid enough to come after you.”
“No,” he exclaimed, a little too loudly and just as the waitress came with our drinks.
She placed a glass in front of Jude and then me. “The bartender asked if you wouldn’t mind trying it.”
“Of course,” I said to be polite, considering I didn’t even want to be in the restaurant any longer. I tipped the glass and raised it to my nose. I swirled the wine, then took another sip. “Mm,” I hummed. “Dry, crisp with fruit. It’s been a while since I did a wine tasting but I guess I haven’t lost my touch. It’s from the north. Give him my appreciation for the excellent choice.”
“I will. Have you decided on a meal yet?”
“Sorry, give us some time,” I asked, gesturing to Jude and myself.
She was a smart woman and said, “Sure thing, just give me a nod when you’re ready.”
I took a longer drink of wine. “Jude, I’m trying so hard not lose it, but you’ve fucking tested me the last couple of days. Tell me why you couldn’t say you love me? You did in the hotel room.”
If the napkins were paper, Jude would’ve shredded his already. As it was, he was playing a game of tug-of-war with the cotton napkin. When he didn’t answer me, I tried another tact. Scanning our area, I saw that we were still alone. I got up and crouching next to Jude I gripped his nape, my thumb near his Adam’s apple. In a very low, dominant tone, I asked, “What is your safeword?”
“Red, Daddy.”
“Until you call red, I am still your Dom. When I ask you a question, you will give me an honest answer. No fucking bullshit.” I put pressure on his neck. “If you don’t, I will call red. I’ll get up from this table, take an Uber back to my truck, and go home. And that will be the end. I am fucking tired of you jacking me around. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Daddy,” he said, his bottom lip trembling, but I was through giving a fuck.
I had a baby to consider, and I would not bring someone into her life that didn’t intend to stick around. My final grip bordered on him gasping so I released him. I went back to my chair and waited a few beats to cool down. I hadn’t been this angry since Napa.
Before I said anything, he said, “May I ask you a question first?”
I gave a curt nod. “Go ahead.”
“You once said that I was your first longtime boyfriend. And you’ve never had a partner or spouse. What made you think you loved Thorne?” He quickly put up his hand. “My reason for asking is that, ever since I ran away, I knew that I’d made a huge mistake. I was just too much of a coward to go back. I felt like both an asshole and an idiot. I kept thinking if I loved you as much as I always told you, why would I take off and ruin what was supposed to have been a joyous moment? That’s what suddenly made me question myself. So, I’ll ask again, why did you think you loved Thorne?”
“That’s simple,” I said. “He said he loved me. In the beginning, he gave me gifts, always praised me. Told me that I’d be his forever boy. But I was wrong, because love isn’t only words. It’s like what I said about apologies. The words alone have no depth. His actions disproved his words, and I realized early on that I’d been kidding myself.”
“What about with me?” Jude asked softly, the napkin just scrunched in his hands now, on his lap.
“I don’t know,” I said, shrugging. “I saw you and something inside me was so taken by your beauty. Somehow, you were an angel come alive. In the days after, I kept wondering why after over twenty years I’d go inside a church. And the pull to see you in the confessional the following day was a desire I had no equal to in my life. Even though we never even touched, I knew that you were meant to be mine.”
