He sat on the edge of the bed, fingers fidgeting with the seam in his jeans. “I’m sorry, Ethan,” he said very softly.
“I’d rather know why, Jude. An apology is words without substance. Give me more.”
His lips quivered at my response. “Like what?”
“Like why you were so afraid to look at me with the baby in my arms that you bolted? Those are the answers I’m looking for.” I leaned forward, arms on my knees, my hands folded and made him meet my gaze straight on. “But I want honesty. Otherwise, there’s no reason for me to be here.” God, how I hated to push out these words, knowing they might distance him even further.
I could tell by the strain in his face, his skin like alabaster in its paleness, that was trying to push out the words. His body was stiff except for his hands, one of them fisting the bedcovers.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and with eyes downcast again, he began. “When you welcomed her into the world I saw the love. Even in profile, you appeared dazedby her presence. I thought… wrongly thought apparently, that you’d made up your mind about adopting her. That’s on me.” He raised his watery eyes. “I don’t believe that you’ll pick me over her. She’s your blood. And I ran… because I didn’t have it in me to hear you say the words out loud.”
I softened at his honesty. The instant I saw the baby, I had fallen in love. A tiny creation with a wrinkly red face and a mess of fine black strands sticking up at odd angles on her head. She was exquisite in her perfection. But Jude was also my future. I ached to cross the distance between us. To cocoon him in my arms, embrace him in my love.
Also, I blamed myself for Jude jumping to conclusions. Perhaps not talking about the baby throughout Gabby’s pregnancy hadn’t been the best strategy. Either way, we both had to come clean. “I’m sorry that you lacked faith in me. I thought I’d made it clear how much I love you. To think that you’d assume I’d throw away the life we’d made for ourselves over the last year is both insulting and disappointing.”
“I always said that I wouldn’t stay,” he snapped, indignant.
“Yeah,” I said, leaning back and folding my hands in my lap. “You did. Then it should’ve been easy for you to say goodbye. Me holding the baby shouldn’t have made a fucking difference. So, I’ll ask you again, Jude. Why did you run?”
Slamming his fists on the bed, he yelled. “Because I love you. I love you so damn much and I don’t know how to resolve the two.”
I got up and sat on the bed next to him. Jude seemed to be comparing adult love with parental love for a child. Cradling his face, I turned him to look at me. “Baby, our love is between adults. You’re the man I’m intimate with. The man that I can’t get enough of. The sexy man that has me horny the second I come home from work.” I brushed the hair back from his forehead and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his lips. “Yes, I’ll lovemy daughter, but no child can replace the fact that I’minlove with only you.”
“I get what you’re saying ,” Jude said, pleadingly. “But I still need to know if you’re going to adopt her.”
Jude,” I said on a sigh and pushed on against hope that Jude would ever stay if I adopted the baby. “I was hoping we could come up with that answer together. I know you think that adoption should be my decision only. But that’s fucking bullshit. Couples don’t make a major change in their lives doing it solo. I thought we were a couple.”
“Of course, we’re a couple,” Jude snapped.
Plowing on, I said, “You’ve been going to therapy. Did you ever ask Andrew?”
“No,” he said defensively.
“Ask yourself why, then? Cause that piece would’ve been pretty fucking important.” I was beyond exasperated. This whole conversation has been futile and I didn’t want to lose my temper. “I’m going to suggest an idea. But Jude, if you know in your gut that you can’t do it, then fucking have the goddamn balls to tell me now. Because as much as my heart would shatter into a million pieces… if you ghost me again, there isnocoming back from my mistrust in you.”
He had his arms wrapped around him. “What is it?”
“The baby is going to stay with Frank and Mamma. Gabby will stop by to fill the baby bottles with her breast milk. She refused to breastfeed.”
“Why are you telling me?”
“Come back to Long Beach and stay with Frank and Mamma. Just for a few days. Gabby won’t be there so you don’t have to interact with her. And you can be with the baby as little as you want. There’s no obligation.”
“Why Ethan? This seems like a really bad idea. Have you ever been around kids before?”
“Never,” I said. “But I’ve always wanted a family. I might be the one that’ll need therapy attempting to raise a child, especially if I do it solo. But I want someone to look up to me. To share memories. Because Jude, as much as your argument is that I’m not choosing you… that I’m not putting you first, you’re doing the same with me. I’ve got a news flash for you: I don’t like being rejected either. In my mind, you’re making the situation about you, instead ofus.”
I saw understanding dawn on Jude’s face. The irony was that I hadn’t even made the connection until just then in terms of him giving up on me. And I was thankful for another weapon in my near-empty arsenal.
“I’m asking you not to throw away our perfect year together without testing the waters with the baby. Then we make a joint decision—together. If it means that you still walk away, so be it. But at least I can console myself that you tried.”
I sat down again next to him.
“I’m scared, Ethan. I come from such a fucked-up family. And what have I done all year? Nothing. I’ve made no plans to work because I don’t know what I want to do. I feel like I have no direction. I feel like having to be responsible for another human when I’m not even responsible for myself is ludicrous. You do everything for me.”
I didn’t want to get in another back-and-forth with him but I had to respond. “Baby, that’s not true. You’ve taken a lot of household stress off my shoulders. You’ve kept the apartment immaculate. You do all the grocery shopping and most of the cooking, which has given us time to do things we enjoy, like going to The Ring instead of having to go to Vons for supper ingredients. This has been a gap year for you. Time to figure out who you are. After years locked up in the arms of the Church, you deserved taking time off and being in my arms instead.”
“But a baby in the mix of me discovering myself…” Jude let the unfinished sentence hang between us for long moment. “And how am I going to do that with a baby in tow? I’ve hardly contributed anything toward living expenses since you refused to split the rent, or utilities. I only buy the food because you’re not with me when I shop.”
