I knew that I broke Ethan’s trust when I ran from the hospital. But I also felt my heart being torn from my body when he welcomed his infant daughter into the world. When Gabby told Ethan the baby could be his I was so sure that he’d say yes, that adopting the baby was a foregone conclusion. I’d been so damn wrong. And as such I’d made a mockery of Ethan’s love for me.What did I do now after acting like a spoiled brat? But I knew what I had to do. Reply to everyone’s texts.
Me: Mamma, I’m sorry I ran out. I felt dismissed. But after reading your text and those from Gabby and Frank, I understand the emotions you must’ve been going through a little better. You hoped Gabby would keep the baby. I also realize maybe for the first time ever that you truly want me as part of your family
Me: Frank, thank you for your text. Accepting me as one of your family is something I cherish. I’m sorry that I messed up what should’ve been a happy day for you and Mamma. Congratulations on your beautiful granddaughter
Me: Gabby, I ran because I felt my world slipping away when I saw how in love Ethan was with your daughter. I knew he’d choose her over me and I was scared of losing him. I appreciate you explaining your feelings. I selfishly hadn’t given a thought to what you must’ve been going through knowing you were giving her away. Whatever was involved in your decision might be close to why I don’t want to raise a child. But I also don’t want to lose Ethan. Sometimes, we bring on our own misery, don’t we?
I felt good writing to Gabby as if I’d cleared the air between us, at least on my part. The realization that we were struggling with the same issues about being responsible for another human being and raising said human was mind blowing. And not necessarily in a good way. Unfortunately, the downside of Gabby’s text was that it made me realize that I had such a skewed perspective of the tableau Ethan made with the infant. I assumed he’d already made up his mind. I didn’t consider that he needed time to process. She wasn’t just any infant in the nursery; she was his daughter. And he was holding her for the first time. Only now did I realize what an egotistical bastard I was.
Me: I don’t feel that I have the right to call you Daddy. But I do want to see you. I’ll drive to wherever you want if you’d rather me not go to the apartment. I am sorry and I love you so very much
I fell back on the pillows. God, I felt at a loss not being able to refer to his apartment as my home, too. But how could I when I packed everything in my car and took off.
Ethan: I’ll come to you. The ride south along the coast will do me good
Me: How do you know I drove south?
Ethan: I know your exact location. Harbor Inn & Suites Oceanside
Me: How?
Ethan: I’ll give up my secrets when I see you tomorrow at 1 PM
Me: Be forewarned, the motel is a dump
Ethan: I don’t give a fuck about the goddamn room, Jude. I do give a fuck about sleeping alone tonight
I felt chastised, as I should. We’d been sleeping together for almost a year. Should I be honest and tell him that I was going to miss him, too? My thought processes had short-circuited over the last two days. I hadn’t taken into consideration the fact that I wouldn’t feel his warm body around me, we hadn’t been apart since I moved out of the La Quinta. I wanted to suggest he come tonight, but with the distance that was me being selfish again. Not only selfish. I had an epiphany about how naïve I was.
Me: You’re right. Room 204
Usually, Ethan was easy to converse with. However, he’d also never been angry with me. We’d had our disagreements but when he inserted a variation offuckin every sentence, Irecognized that as him spewing fire. The way he’d been when he’d come home to find my parents in his living room yelling at me, me hiding my face in my hands.
Tossing my phone aside, I readjusted the pillows and slid down the mattress onto my back. I had a slight urge to piss but couldn’t be bothered right then. Instead, I kicked off my Vans and unbuckled my belt. I’d take care of business in a few minutes. I was still puzzled how Ethan knew my exact location. Spying my phone in my periphery, it came to me and my lips quirked in amusement. We both had iPhones and when I’d purchased it, Ethan insisted on pairing the installed software for Find My. He’d been concerned about his parents or someone from the Church ambushing him. I’d totally forgotten about it.
But software was not what was on my mind. I wanted to fantasize about being cradled by Ethan, his warm lips on my neck, him murmuring in his sexy tenor,Daddy’s gonna make you feel so good, tesoro…Ti amo cosi tanto, cazzo.
TWENTY-FOUR
ETHAN
My morning woodnudged at me to wake up and do something about getting relief. And so, I merely sank back into a dream I’d been in the middle of. My imagination had Jude lying on his back, soulful brown eyes drilling into me, cock leaking generous amounts of pre-cum that has my mouth watering. Then I get to work, his smooth cock like velvet on my tongue and I take him to the root in one swallow. I bob my head, slow and easy, then transition to fast and hard, gently scraping my teeth up his length until I get to the head and slurp messily, my saliva adding more lubricant.
In my dream state, Jude’s trying to hold back from bucking into my mouth but I tell him to take what he needs. He’s so frantic and almost delirious with pleasure as I let his cock pop out and I roll each ball around in my mouth, giving them licks and sucks. When Jude begs for more, I take him to the root again while rolling his balls in my hand, squeezing them hard enough to make him yelp and curse for more, all at the same time.
I keep sucking, quickening my pace and reveling in Jude’s sweat and the tang of cum on his erection. When his body tenses, I know he’s near and he releases his balls to lean forward and crush my mouth on his. I’m aching with my own pleasure as I fuck his mouth until he’s gagging. I pull back and he cries for more and then…
Jude comes down my throat, spurt after spurt spilling from the corners of my mouth until I wake with a start. “Fuck,” I rasped, as my body shuddered in spasms that slowed, and I became aware that the cum flooding my throat in my dream was the result of my own, very real, very wet orgasm. I let my eyelids close one more time as Jude’s image faded. Nevertheless, I murmured the words I craved to say in person.Ti amo cosi tanto, cazzo.I love you so fucking much.
By midmorning, I was going crazy trying to figure what I was going to say to Jude. By eleven, I had to get on the road. Although I’d arrive too early, I’d wait in the lobby until one o’clock rolled around. Once I was on the I-5 south, I set the cruise control to avoid driving at warp speed.
I was still angry at Jude for his disappearing act that affected not only me but also Frank and his wife. Even so, if I was going to get Jude back, I had to maintain my composure. Otherwise we’d wind up arguing. In the last year I couldn’t remember one time that we’d lost our temper with each other, having proved that we were good at compromising. The stakes had never been this high.
My phone rang and I answered using the info system after noting that it was Artemis, my boss.
“Ethan, sorry to bother you on your personal day but I have news that I think you’ll want to hear.”
“You definitely have my attention.” I knew whatever he said couldn’t be about the baby because Frank and I agreed that we’d keep the news to ourselves until I made my decision.
