"Whatever," their leader muttered, wiping blood from his face. "He's not worth it. Merry fucking Christmas."
They retreated, pushing their way through the crowd toward the exit. Jake knelt beside me, his expression a mix of concern and exasperation.
"Logan, what the hell are you doing?" I tried to sit up, but the room spun alarmingly.
"Having a drink," I slurred, tasting copper on my tongue. "What does it look like?"
"It looks like you're trying to get yourself killed," Kieran said, crouching on my other side. "Come on, let's get you out of here." They hauled me to my feet, supporting me between them as my legs threatened to buckle. The pub had gone quiet again, all eyes on the spectacle of a Covenant Regent being half-carried out by his Syndicate counterparts. The shame should have been overwhelming, but I was beyond caring about reputation or appearances.
"Let me go," I muttered, trying to shake them off. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine," Jake said firmly. "You're drunk, you're bleeding, and you're coming with us."
"No," I said, more forcefully this time. "I'm not going back there. I can't." I couldn't face Covenant House again. Couldn't walk through those doors and feel her absence like a physical blow. Couldn't sit in that dining room where Rosa had set a place for her, as if she might walk in at any moment. Couldn't sleep in my bed, knowing she was out there somewhere, cold, afraid and alone because I'd failed her.
"Logan?" A new voice, female and achingly familiar. I looked up to see Melody pushing through the crowd toward us, her face pale with shock. "Oh my God, what happened to him?"
"Found him getting his ass handed to him by a bunch of dickheads," Kieran explained. "We were about to take him home."
"No," I repeated, more desperate now. "Not home. Anywhere but there." Melody's expression softened, understanding dawning in her eyes. She'd been Consort long enough to know the dynamics of Covenant House, to understand what Cadence had meant to us. To me. Melody hesitated, then nodded to herself, decision made. "Take him to Courts House. He's not safe anywhere else tonight. I'll call Cole in the morning."
"The Courts?" Kieran sounded dubious. "You sure that's a good idea? After everything with Julia and-"
"Julia's gone for the holidays," Melody cut him off. "And the other girls will do as I say. Please, Jake. He needs help."
I wanted to protest, to tell them I didn't need help and didn't deserve it, but the words wouldn't come. The adrenaline from the fight was fading, leaving me hollow and shaking. The alcohol churned in my stomach, threatening to come back up. Blood dripped steadily from my split lip, from the cut above my eye, staining the front of my already ruined shirt.
"Fine," Jake said after a moment. "Courts House it is. But you're explaining this to Cole tomorrow."
They half-dragged, half-carried me out of the pub and into the snowy night. The cold hit me like a slap, momentarily clearing my head. Snow continued to fall, heavy and wet, quickly soaking through my thin clothes. I shivered violently, but made no move to warm myself. The cold was good. The cold was what I deserved.
"Jesus, he doesn't even have a coat," Kieran muttered, shrugging out of his own and draping it over my shoulders despite my weak attempt to push it away.
"He's going to get himself killed at this rate," Jake said, his voice low but not low enough that I couldn't hear. "Has he been like this the whole time?"
"Worse, from what Cole tells me," Melody replied, keeping pace beside us as we trudged through the snow toward a waiting car. "They all are.”
"She's dead," I whispered, the words slipping out unbidden. "She has to be dead. It's been five weeks. No one survives that long."
"Don't say that," Melody said sharply, her hand squeezing my arm. "Don't you dare give up on her, Logan. Cade is strong. She's a fighter."
"She shouldn't have had to fight," I mumbled, my words slurring together. "I should have protected her. I left her there. I left her alone."
We reached the car, a sleek black SUV that screamed money and privilege. Syndicate House, always showing off. Jake opened the back door, and they manoeuvred me inside, Melody climbing in after me. I slumped against the window, watching the snow fall, each flake a tiny funeral for my hope.
"She begged me to believe her," I said to no one in particular, my breath fogging the glass. "The night of the punishment. She begged me to listen, and I just pushed her away. Then she needed me again, and I just left her there in the street." No one answered. There was nothing they could say. They hadn't been there. They hadn't seen the hatred in Cadence's eyes when she told me to drop dead. They hadn't driven away and left her standing alone on that dark street. They hadn't failed her like I had.
The drive to Courts House passed in a blur of snow and streetlights. I drifted in and out of awareness, caught between the numbing effects of alcohol and the sharp, inescapable pain of guilt. Snippets of conversation reached me, Melody on the phone, explaining the situation to someone at Courts House, Jake and Kieran discussing whether to tell Cole tonight or wait until morning. None of it mattered. Nothing mattered except the fact that Cadence was gone, and it was my fault.
The SUV finally pulled up to the imposing facade of Courts House, its windows glowing with warm light, a Christmas tree visible through the front bay window. The sight of it mademe physically ill, all that festive cheer, all that normalcy, when nothing would ever be normal again.
"I can't go in there," I said, pressing back against the seat as Jake opened the door. "I can't."
"You have to," Melody said gently. "You're hurt, you're drunk, and it's freezing out here. Please, Logan. Just for tonight." Jake and Kieran hauled me out of the car and up the steps to Courts House with Melody leading the way. The snow had soaked through my clothes, leaving me shivering uncontrollably, my teeth chattering so hard I thought they might break. The door opened before we reached it, revealing Silvia Blake, her face drawn with concern.
"Bring him in," she said, stepping aside. "I've got the first aid kit ready." They led me into the warmth of Courts House, past the curious, shocked faces of the few girls who hadn't gone home for the holidays. The Christmas tree in the corner was massive, draped in silver and blue ornaments, presents piled beneath it. Carols played softly from hidden speakers. It was like walking into a Hallmark movie, a perfect Christmas scene that made my stomach turn with its wrongness.
"Put him on the couch," Melody directed, already moving to clear away decorative pillows. "Silvia, can you get some towels? He's soaked through." I allowed myself to be deposited on the couch, too exhausted and drunk to resist anymore. The warmth of the room was making me dizzy, or maybe it was the blood loss, or the alcohol, or the crushing weight of guilt that never left me. I closed my eyes, letting the voices wash over me without really hearing them.
