Merrick kisses his way up my belly and presses his face into my neck. I hold on to his head and let the feelings crash over me. The heights are still there. I can remember them. I want them again. But this withdrawal is painful. I can’t stop crying.
“Is th-this normal?” I ask between jagged gulps of air.
He draws me against him, and I lock my ankles behind his back. “Yeah. It can be intense.”
“Do you ever cry?” Of course, he doesn’t. I want to withdraw the question as soon as I ask it. Why am I so awkward?
He shrugs. “I haven’t.”
“Do guys not have the same reaction after?”
“I guess they could.” He lets out a huff. “I’m kind of a callous bastard.”
I pull back to look at him with watery eyes. “How can you say that?”
“I just am.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t know me that well.”
My sobbing gives way to anger. “I do, too. I know you love this bar. And you miss the closeness you have with your brother. I know you went after your sister’s husband when he actuallywasa callous bastard. I know you love the club, and you were willing to spend all night watching my apartment even though you worked all day.”
“You know about that?”
“Carol told me. I think she knows I’m more interested in you than Adam. She gave me a push-up bra to help me.” Now, I’m back to sobs.
He draws me against him. It’s such an odd feeling, being totally naked against his jeans, T-shirt, and leather cut. I almost laugh. I’m naked in his bar. Not even red sparkles covering me.
“Can I have my pole?” I ask him. “I want to dance for you.”
“Yeah,” he says. “I’ll get it.”
He sets me down on a stool at the end of the bar and hurries to the closet off the back corner of the stage.
I consider what to wear for this dance. Should I stay naked?
No. That’s weird.
I find my underwear. That’s all I need. Topless is fine. Boots?
Yeah. I think I’ll keep them.
Merrick rolls the heavy base out of the closet and onto the stage. I scroll through song choices on my phone as he fits the pole into place.
I want to send a message this time. Something that will prove to him that I’m ready to end this ridiculous sexual status with him. I already have so much fodder for my thesis, it’s not funny. A whole club war over one club wanting to violate a protective status for a virgin? What century is this anyway?
I do one more search, and I spot it. I check the lyrics to be sure, and yes, this is it.
Merrick jumps off the stage. His voice is hoarse as he says, “All yours.”
“I’d like this song.” I show him the title.
He nods. “I’ll get the sound and the lights.”
I walk away as he does that and approach the base of the stage, looking up at the pole. Only the neon is lit in the bar, so it glows a ghostly blue.
The more I learn on the pole, the more I love it. And even being naked. Maybe it’s because I’m small, and there’s nothing really for me to hide. I just like it. I know it’s not normal. I guess I have to be okay with not being normal. This form of dance is something I can do more easily than other people. I can see that in class.
