“I…guess it is.” But I still wasn’t sure what I had to offer him. “I don’t have any big, juicy secrets, though. At least not the kind that would interest you.” One of the side effects of living a relatively sheltered, uneventful life was that you didn’t have much to hide. And I rarely lied about anything because I had nothing to lie about.
“Everyone has secrets, butterfly,” he countered. “And sometimes the small ones are much more delectable than the big ones.” He pulled back just enough to look down into my face. “Some secrets we choose to keep, but others just happen. You wake up one morning and realize there’s something about you that you’ve never told a soul, not because you intended to keep it hidden but simply because it didn’t seem to matter…until the day it suddenlydoes. Those sorts of secrets can sneak up on you.”
My cheeks got very warm all at once, and he must have been waiting and watching for such a reaction because his crooked smile widened.
“That,” he said. “Whatever it is that just crossed your mind, that’s the secret I want.”
“I don’t want to know your namethatbadly,” I blurted.
His eyes glinted. “That must be a very good secret you’re hiding, then.”
In spite of my best efforts, my cheeks were still getting hotter and hotter with every passing second. “Maybe I just don’t want to play this game.”
“Oh, I doubt that. I can see it in your eyes.” That forest green gaze bored into me. “You’re more than just curious. There’s a hunger in you, a yearning you don’t quite understand about me, and my brothers, and why you’re here.”
“Maybe because no one is telling me anything.” If there was ever a moment to roll my eyes, that would have been it, but I resisted the urge.
“No, I think it goes beyond that.” The corner of his mouth twitched. “I can always tell. Some people are only concerned with the surface level of things. But others…they’re drawn in by the complexities of life, by the secrets that run beneath, by the underbelly where the truth—sometimes beautiful and sometimes terrible—waits to be discovered. Those are the only people who truly live, don’t you think? The ones in search of that deeper, twisted truth.”
I wanted to deny it, if for no other reason that I didn’t want him to think that he’d analyzed me accurately in a matter of moments, but I had to admit that I was drawn in by his words, that this idea of uncovering the beautiful, terrible truths of life had its strange appeal. I’d come here to discover the truth, hadn’t I? I’d ignored Isaac’s warnings and even the fears that held me back in my normal life because I’d been handed a mystery too intriguing to resist, and even though I recognized there were risks, something kept drawing me deeper.
“Let’s say I am one of those people,” I said finally. “That doesn’t mean I like to be manipulated with these sorts of games.”
“There’s no manipulation at all. You are free to walk away if you wish. I only ask you give me something in exchange for sharing my true name with you. Would you consider such a bargain unjust?”
“No,” I was forced to admit.
“And do younotwish to know my name?” He must have been able to read the indecision in my eyes, because he leaned closer again and murmured, “Only five other people in this world know what I’m truly called.”
This time it was my turn to study him, to see if I could detect any sort of deception in his eyes. “How do I know you aren’t lying?”
“The same way I know if you are. Your body always knows, even when your head wants you to believe otherwise.”
I’d never thought of it that way, but that explanationfelttrue, and I realized with a start that that was the only confirmation I needed.
“All right,” I said. “I agree to your bargain.” I wasn’t happy with the idea of spilling any secrets to this man, but I wasn’t hiding anything truly appalling. My secret was embarrassing to me, and not something I preferred to have spread around, but given the fact that I’d probably never see this man again, I was willing to take a chance.
Yes, it turned out I was every bit as curious and hungry as he’d claimed.
“You first, butterfly,” he said.
I knew this was coming, but it still took a moment to pull myself together. My cheeks were still blazing hot, and I knew I was probably the color of a tomato, but I hoped my mask hid the worst of it.
Here goes nothing.
“I…” I swallowed than started again, blurting it all out at once. “I’m twenty-three and I’ve never had sex.”
I didn’t look at him. But I was suddenly aware that he was still holding me by the arms, and the air around us now felt thick and warm.
And, no surprise, I couldn’t bear the silence.
“It wasn’t on purpose,” I said. “But it wasn’t really an accident either, you know? I’m not planning to wait until I’m married or anything, but I was hoping to at least wait until I found someone special, and I guess that just never really happened.” Not even Isaac and Esmer knew. Even though I knew they wouldn’t judge me, I was afraid that confessingit to them like it was some sort ofbig thingwould only make it feel like one, and this current situation had definitely confirmed that fear. “It wasn’t supposed to be a big thing. It’ll happen when it happens, I know. But now I’m old enough that I feel like any guy I meet is going to wonder what’s wrong with me, or think it’s weird, or…” I let that thought trail off.
“Some men may find it appealing.”
The hunger in his voice was undeniable. I didn’t think my face could get any hotter—frankly, I was surprised my head hadn’t exploded, considering how much flushing I’d done tonight—but I was wrong. “I don’t want to be someone’s fetish, either.” He started to say something, but I cut him off. “Your turn.”
He chuckled, and once again the sound reminded me of something beastlike and primal.
