Xan, who had just taken a sip of coffee, suddenly started coughing, as if sucking it down the wrong pipe in surprise. Ezra patted him on the back, and a bit sprayed over the bed. He blushed while I wiped a bit off my arm and quickly kept talking so he could recover.
“I grew up in a time when magic wasn’t real.” I pressed the warm cup against my cheek. “I spent years being crazy and was very careful only to let people see the part of me that wasn’t. It’s a shit way to live.”
Xan, back in control of his windpipe, inclined his head.
I closed my eyes and leaned into my cup. What did I want?
That damn spider analogy came back. Three I could feel, one I couldn’t. But they all lived inside me. I didn’t always sense them, but I knew what they were now. Maybe if I understood them better, I wouldn’t want to burn the whole house down just to kill them.
“I want to learn about tethers,” I said, opening my eyes. “I want to understand why I can’t feel yours. I want to know exactly what you get from me. And I want any smidgen of control I can gain.”
Ezra growled. “And I want to kill the men who put them in you.”
Xan nodded. “I know it’s not the best way to start your morning, but knowing what happened will help in the long run.”
I nodded unhappily. “Could we do breakfast first or something? I just discovered my friend Xan is actually the Evil Architect who can read minds.” Read minds. I jerked up and blinked. “I don’t need to tell you anything.”
Xan furrowed his eyebrows. “How else will I know?”
I tapped my skull. “Can you just pull out my memories?”
Conflict filled Xan’s gaze. “Technically, yes. Sharing memories is something I do in certain situations. But it means I have those memories too. I’ll know everything.”
“Exactly.” I clenched my fist. “Then make this one of those situations. I won’t have to relive it, and you’ll finally see…” I trailed off this time as I realized what I was asking. He would have to experience what I did. Gandalf directing boys, the cult that strung me up to sacrifice me, and the cold collar that still burned my neck.
Xan lunged forward and pulled me into his chest. “I’m sorry, Quinn. But, gods, the fact that you just realized what I have to explain to so many… you are so special.” He kissed the top of my head. “You have no idea.”
I didn’t feel special. I felt like an asshole.
Xan cupped both my cheeks. “If you want me to share your memories, as dark as they are, so you’re not alone, I will. I will share your pain and know every detail. But I want you to think about it.” He dropped his hands, but his gaze didn’t leave mine. “Because I will experience everything you did. I will feel every emotion, whether it is appropriate or not. Do you want to trust the Architect with that?”
The Architect? No, but Xan? Maybe.
As if reading my mind, Xan nodded. “To be blunt, I still want you to master your magic, which will take time. We are in no rush to share anything.” He ducked his head. “Unless you want to leave immediately.”
My goal since I got here, well, my goal since I decided here was real, remained the same. Control my magic. Xan was offering me exactly what I wanted. My friends lived in this castle. Cayden, Rowan, Everly, and Brit wouldn’t exist together if it weren’t for the Architect’s family. I wanted to be part of that. All I could do now was keep getting stronger. And if Xan was lying, if strings did appear, I’d have the power and the people to push back.
Resolve clicked into place.
Instead of reassuring Xan, I looked toward his door, putting as much longing into my expression as I could.
“Unfortunately”—Xan smirked, and some of his usual ease returned—“there’s no longing in your tether to match all that acting.”
I sighed. “I’m so bad at acting.”
Ezra grunted to cover up his chuckle while Xan grinned. A pregnant pause filled the room. The rain pattering on the window filled the silence. We’d ripped open some of my deepest wounds,and it was still morning.
“Then, I guess, for now, I’m here.” I pointed at Ezra. “Feed me.”
Ezra straightened and raced for the kitchen.
Xan slid out of the bed and tugged a pair of simple trainee pants over his boxers.
“Magic or more about our world?” he asked.
“Magic,” I said. “And you’re going to tell me everything I’m feeling.”
Xan held his hand out to me. “As you wish.”
