He paused for a moment, every part of him going still. Then he looked back at her. “Thank you. It was just the two of us for a long time. My father left before I was born.”
“Losing her must have hurt.”
“She was my whole family.”
“Did you have much of a chance to say goodbye?”
“I had a million chances.” Pain wove through his words. “She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was eleven. I didn’t understand it then, and she always told me she’d be fine. But as I got older, I watched her deteriorate, and I started to realize that the cancer could, and probably would, kill her. I also realized that I couldn’t protect her. I spent years looking after her. Hoping and praying that she’d pull through. But there was nothing I could actually do. I couldn’t take away her pain. I couldn’t fight her cancer. I just had to watch her die.”
Her fingers tightened around the jar as little pieces of this man started to slot together. “I’m sorry.”
Something clicked in his jaw. “The day she died, I realized how it felt to be so utterly alone in the world. It was a darkness I didn’t know existed until then.”
His words cut into her, hurting. “I can see how that would make you scared to need someone.”
“Terrified. I’m terrified to experience that darkness again.” His quiet words were so much more than he’d ever shared with her before.
She swallowed hard and looked down at the Nutella, swirling the spread with the spoon once again. “One time when I was in the hospital and feeling sorry for myself, a nurse said to me that God always tests his strongest soldiers. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to be strong. I didn’taskto be. And if that were true, if I was so strong, why was I being punished for my strength? Everything felt so inherently unfair.”
“I know that feeling.” He shot her a look. “What got you through it?”
She lifted a shoulder. “I had to choose between letting a sense of inequity take over my life…or accepting that thiswaspart of the life I’d been dealt and fight the cancer.”
“Your strength still amazes me, Clara.”
She tilted her head. “You’re strong too.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“I would. You just can’t always see it.”
His gaze held hers for a moment, the hazel so intense…but also wounded.
He went to move past her, but instinctively, she reached out and touched his cheek. “Hey. Youarestrong. You were in the special forces. You had to be.”
That took a mental strength that very few in the world possessed.
His eyes shifted between hers, and he stepped closer, standing between her thighs. “I would argue that’s a different kind.”
“Strength is strength.” She touched his chest, feeling the strong beats of his heart beneath her palm. “I’m sorry you couldn’t save your mom. I wish we could save everyone, but that’s not how this world works.”
“I hated this world for a long time because of that.”
“I’ve felt that anger, Holden. I’ve held it in the palm of my hand. And I’ve felt the loss of a parent. Granted, I was young, and I had my mom and brothers to support me, but I know it hurts.”
“I wish I could let it go. I wish I could think about a future with someone I love and not feel this unbearable weight on my shoulders, pressing me to the ground.”
“Maybe that’s the problem. You’re thinking too far into the future. Maybe you just need to think about here and now.”
His eyes flared, and his fingers pulsed against her waist. “That could be dangerous.”
Her next words were barely a whisper. “Live dangerously with me.”
His eyes darkened, and long seconds of silence passed.
Then he growled, dropped his head, and kissed her.
And she fell. She fell fast and hard into everything that was Holden. She swam in him. Suffocated in him. Took everything he offered while begging for more.
