“Only because you cleaned it. You don’t want to have to pick up after me every day. And it gets worse. I hum constantly. Like this.” She makes a dull humming sound, and I do my best not to crack a smile. “I also like to leave my wet towel on the man’s side of the bed. I’m the type of woman who will end up with an accountant or an orthodontist or something. Not an entrepreneur like you. Sometimes, I leave my feminine hygiene products lying around. I made my last boyfriend buy them for me. A big, manly guy like you doesn’t want to go buy tampons.”
“Write down the brand you use, and I’ll order them.” I turn my back and start the dishes, totally undeterred by anything she said. If anything, I’m even more intrigued. I want to embrace all of her perceived flaws.
“You want to buy my tampons?” she asks as if she’s shocked by my nonchalance.
“If you need them,” I say. “What the fuck do I care?” I mutter under my breath. I look around the tiny apartment, wondering how she can live in this mess. It’s making my skin itch just being in the chaos.
I lived in a messy house with my parents. They fought constantly over it, but no one ever cleaned it up. I can never go back to that way of living.
“Why would you want to buy anything for me?” she asks.
“Why not? If you want or need it, I’ll buy it.” I shrug again and look around the kitchen. The only good thing I can think of to say is that there were no dirty dishes in the sink when we got here.
“That’s not normal,” she says.
Ignoring her, I open the pantry next to the ugly white fridge. It’s empty. I hear her moving behind me, but I continue my inspection of her apartment.
“I’m flattered, but you gotta go,” she says.
When I finally turn around, I can’t help but chuckle at her. She’s standing there holding an old baseball bat.
“What are you going to do with that?” I whisper.
She swings it, and I wrap my hand around it. I don’t take it from her, and she doesn’t let it go. She’s immobile as she looks up at me with her big, brown eyes. She breathes hard but can’t seem to catch her breath.
“I would hate for you to hurt yourself.” She attempts to pull the bat from me, but there’s no way she can take it. I gently remove it from her hands, lift it over her head, and put it down behind her. Then I place it against her back and use it to push her into my chest.
I caress her cheek, but I don’t stop there. The back of my hand glides down her neck and arm. Exhaling, she closes her eyes while she leans closer. Her head ends up on sternum. She inhales and breathes me in. My hand snakes around and lands on her ass. Just as I squeeze, her phone rings.
She jumps away, and the baseball bat falls and rolls into the kitchen. Giving me her back, she rummages through her purse for her phone.
“Hello?” she says. “Cori?” She pulls the phone away from her ear and looks at the screen. Then she sighs and throws the phone on the couch before she opens the door. She pokes her head out and looks both ways.
“Bye.” She gestures for me to leave.
I walk to the door and close it.
Sighing, she rolls her eyes to the ceiling. “And this thing that you do where you stalk me and show up here? It scares me. That’s not normal.”
“You don’t have to be scared of me.”
“You saying that doesn’t make me any less scared.” She opens her fridge and slams it shut. She doesn’t act like she’s scared. “You’ve never been a woman, have you?” She comes back and points her finger at my chest.
I open my mouth to answer, but she talks over me. “No, you haven’t. You’re a big, overgrown Paul Bunyan clone who doesn’t have the social skills to know that stalking and barging into a woman’s house is not the way to get her to notice you. If you want to go on a date, ask the person to dinner and a movie. Maybe a concert in the park. Something in public. Breaking and entering is not—”
“Let’s go see a movie, but I hope you’re not one of those girls who like cartoons.”
My statement takes the wind out of her sails. She closes and opens her mouth several times, but no words come out.
“No concert, though. I don’t like live music. But if you want to go, I can get tickets for you and those two.”
Her head rolls back, and she blinks several times.
“What if I do want to see a cartoon?” she asks in a hushed voice.
“Then we’ll go.”
Her eyes widen.
