I’m unable to push these melancholic feelings away and hate it. I was just having fun moments ago, enjoying our joke. Now I can’t get rid of this dark cloud. Maybe it’s just part of being pregnant. My hormones must be going crazy.
“You don’t have to talk to me,” he says. “But you can, if you want to. I know you talk to the doctor sometimes. Not that I’m trying to listen or anything, but I hear him ask you and know that you respond.”
I nod, staring down at my hands and ringing them together. “He doesn’t judge me.”
“I would never judge you.”
I look up at him, giving him a small smile. “Not purposefully.”
He looks as if someone has slapped him, the utmost pain and offense on his face.
“I’m sorry, I—”
“No. You’re right. In a way.” He pauses for a moment, gets up from his chair and comes to kneel in front of me. “It wouldn’t be judgment, it would be… sympathy, maybe. I don’t know; I’m not good with words, but I also know sympathy isn’t any better.”
“I just don’t want you to think differently of me.”
“Nowthatwould never happen. Not up here.” He points to his temple. “I’d feel for you here, though.” He presses his palm to his chest. “Because I can only imagine what you’ve been through, and I’ll tell you, it makes me really fucking sad.”
The emotion is back, this time crawling up my throat.
“You shouldn’t feel sad for me,” I say, my voice cracking. “I don’t.”
“You’re not sad?” he asks, seemingly utterly confused.
“I stopped being sad a long time ago.” I look past him, out at the yard, and take a moment to breathe and settle myself. “I realized that if I kept being sad all the time, I wasn’t living my life. That if I wanted any chance at truly being happy, I had to let go. And so… I take one day at a time. I move forward. I focus on the future and don’t allow my past, as horrific as it is, to hold me down.” My hand goes to my stomach, and both of us look at it. “I can’t be sad when I have a baby to take care of. I’ll always remember what’s happened to me. It’ll always be there as a reminder to protect my child and never allow anything to happen to them like what happened to me. But I need to move forward for my baby, and that sort of leaves me hanging in the middle somewhere.”
He exhales a long, deep breath, his hands resting on the bench beside my legs.
“This… was their intention,” I say carefully. “And at first, I knew how terrible it would be to allow them a baby to do… whatever it is they do. But now I realize how much of a blessing it is because this ismyreason for living now.”
“Fuck,” he curses under his breath. “That’s beautiful.”
“It’s just the truth. But it’s not all beautiful, Grizz. This child? They think it’s their property. Eventually, someone will realize, and they’ll want to take what’s theirs.”
“I will never let that fucking happen,” he growls.
I put my hand on his cheek and give him a soft smile. The anger in his eyes is… a relief. Anger that isn’t aimed toward me, but instead on my behalf.
“And I could never thank you enough for that.”
Chapter Nine
Grizz
A door closing wakes me. My eyes pop open, and I make out Snapper through the dim lighting, so I sit up. He must’ve just gotten out of the shower… That’s his routine. As soon as he comes in, he goes right into the bathroom down here to wash up. I’m kind of mad I didn’t hear him come in—that’s dangerous. Next time I’ll just have to stay awake.
“Hey, Snapper.”
“Did your house burn down?” he asks.
“Nah. Just like knowing she’s safe.”
“I have a security system,” he snaps, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.
“That ain’t gonna stop someone from shooting her,” I say defensively as I stand. He can’t really think that measly alarm system is going to save her life. All it’s going to do is alert himthat they’re here. None of us would make it here in time to save her. I scratch the back of my neck, nerves making my stomach heavy. I’ve been thinking about telling him this for a while, and Anastacia and I have even talked about it. “You, uh… should let her stay with me.”
“Excuse me?” he seethes, his voice low and deep. You’d think I just insulted his mama.
