“Answer and I’ll let you come. I’ll give you a minute to think about it.”
He walks away, and I watch the play of muscle down his back, the scars, the tattoo at the nape of his neck, the unfair flex of his ass. I want to hate him. I want to love him. I want, I want, I want.
Frankly, I want to hurt him and love him at the same time. And doesn’t that make me a mess of a human being.
I slam my eyes shut, fighting the tears burning at the corners, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing me break. There’s a hole inside me that’s only ever had one shape, and every time he comes close it aches like a phantom limb.
But I can’t give him what he wants. Not even if I wanted to—especially if I wanted to.
Because the truth he’s after isn’t something I can just hand over. I have a job to do. The only reason I have any hope of getting Veles and his monsters off the street, is because someone on the inside is risking everything to help me build my case. It wasn’t easy and frankly I didn't find her. She found me. Veles’ chemist, the one cooking up the batches of Euphoria, is my only genuine connection in the dark underworld of drug running. It’s a world full of snakes and I promised if she helps me, I can get her out. IfI give Cipher what he wants—if I break and tell him everything—I could get her killed. And I can’t. Not even for him.
He returns after a while, carrying a tray with soup and a glass of cold water. He moves with a strange sort of gentleness, undoing the bindings around my ankles and helping me sit up. The air smells like broth and herbs and him—smoke, leather, that dark, expensive cologne he’s always worn.
He carefully feeds the can of vegetable soup I had in the pantry, one spoonful at a time, as if we’re not both naked and ruined and on the edge of a fight that could destroy us.
I watch the new scars scattered across his chest among the older ones that have faded to thin silver lines. I trace one with my eyes, remembering the man he was, the man I loved, the choices that shattered us.
“Why did you leave?” I ask, voice low, raw. I hate showing my weakness, but the knots in the pit of my stomach had not gone away in the three years since I found the note he left on my vanity.
He looks away. “You really want to do this now, Harlow?”
I tug on the cuffs. “Yes. I’m not going anywhere and neither are you,” I insist. “You walked out, Cipher. I want to know why. I deserve that much.”
He scrapes a hand over his face. Guilt flows off him in waves. He seems like he doesn’t want to talk about it. He scrubs a hand down his face and props his elbows on his knees and peers off into a far corner of the room like there’s someone’s ghost standing in the room.
“We only knew each other three months before I asked you to marry me. I never expected you to say yes.”
He pauses and sets the empty bowl on the nightstand. “Reaper was too fast getting that preacher lined up for us. I think that man secretly loves love and playing matchmaker.”
There’s another pause. This one is longer. He leans forward, propping his elbows on his knees. Hair falls messily around his forehead, giving him a roguish look that screams bad boy you can’t help but love.
“He’s married off most of the damn crew. Even Viper. I didn’t think that man was capable of love.”
Cipher smiles, and I can see his worry coming through more tonight than I ever remember. There’s an aura of sadness surrounding him too.
“How is everyone?” I ask, unable to keep the longing out of my voice. I became fast friends with everyone. But back then Cipher was only a prospect. We were not treated differently but the hierarchy within the crew was there for a reason. He had responsibilities, and I knew then like I know now that I came second.
Thinking on that for only the millionth time since he walked, maybe it was for the better that we didn't get married. I never want to be second in my man’s eyes. Instead of sharing this, I lock it away in my heart.
He tells me quick updates on everyone and details about Reaper’s woman. The book club she hosts is new to me and makes me smile thinking about Cipher or any of the crew sitting down to discuss romance books.
Cipher’s eyes soften when he mentions Kaylee, Venom’s baby girl he just found out about.
“She’s got the sweetest little smile and loves Christmas cookies.” The fine lines around his mouth and eyes soften. It doesn’t take a mind reader to see he wishes he could have a little girl of his own.
“Cute.”
He nods and then shifts his weight my way. “They all miss you, probably more than they’ll ever admit.”
He picks the bowl back up and finishes feeding me, wiping my mouth with a gentle thumb when a droplet of broth escapes the corner of my mouth. I can’t look at him without wanting to kiss him and beg him to fix what he broke between us, so I keep my eyes pinned to his chest.
“Harlow,” he begins. Look at me.”
Despite wanting to defy his softly spoken command, I lift my gaze to find him looking at me with so much love in his eyes, my heart can’t take the impact without shuddering under the weight.
“Cipher, what’s happening between us?”
He moves in and skims his lips over mine. “I don’t know but I like it.”
