No real parents to speak of. A childhood of chaos. And then falling in love with a man who is too old for me, and I can’t have. But only after trying to date someone else who just wanted to use me, and when he couldn’t, he tried to kill me. I don’t want to leave these women either. It just seems like a lot of loss piled on me at once. Loss I don’t want. And leaving here would just prove that I’m alone, really, really alone. At least in Thunder Rock, I have the semblance of a family.
Somewhere else, I wouldn’t even have that.
My heart races at the thought. It slams against my ribcage so hard that I fear it might actually flop out onto the floor and dance around like a fish out of water. I lift my hand to the center of my chest and close my eyes, attempting to breathe.
I’m not sure what happens—if it’s an anxiety attack or what—but I feel like everything is far away, like their voices travel, or maybe I’m in some type of sleepy haze. I’m not sure, but I don’t like it at all, and when my body is jerked by the shoulder, my eyes widen, and I gasp.
I’m face to face with Posey’s concerned expression. “I’m fine,” I lie.
“You’re a liar, honey.”
I am a liar.
I don’t admit that, though. Instead, I just stare at her, trying to convey to her that I’m fine. I am fine. I have to be fine. There is nothing else I can be right now. This is not in my control. None of it is.
My heart wants Goose, and I know I can’t keep him. My job is gone, and I know I can’t get that back or anything close to it around here. I haven’t felt this out of control in years.
The world is spinning around me, and there’s nothing I can do to control or stop it. I’m not an active participant right now. It’s all just happening to me, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Posey gives me a smile, but it’s a sad smile. Then, without a word, she wraps her arms around me in a hug. The embrace feels amazing. Closing my eyes, I allow it to soak into my bones before I let out a heavy exhale.
“I’m okay,” I whisper.
“No, you’re not. You’re in love, and you think Ivy is going to kill him.”
Posey laughs softly, but it sounds sad. She straightens before she takes a step backward. Her gaze searches mine, but she doesn’t say anything else. Instead, she turns and walks past me to the bar, where I know the food and drinks are set out…. And the desserts.
I’ve already eaten too much and drunk too much. I should take myself to bed, even though they’re all still here laughing and enjoying the moment. I’m not enjoying anything because all I can do is think about all of the things I’m about to lose.
“Are you okay?” Lainey asks, her voice carrying through the room even though it’s soft and sweet just like her.
“I’m as okay as I can be,” I murmur, lifting my glass to my lips and taking another sip of wine. “I’m trying to figure out my future.”
“What about going to community college? Is there a trade you want? Maybe nursing?” Zadie asks.
Also sweet.
But not realistic at all whatsoever. If that were something I could do, I would have already done it. I didn’t because it’s not feasible. What it is is a pipe dream. Not that I want to be a nurse.I’m too freaked out by bodily fluids. But I would have chosen a different trade, no clue what, and with no money to even think about it, it doesn’t matter.
Shaking my head, I clear my throat. “I wish there were a trade I was passionate about or even thought I could do. I have nothing,” I whisper. “And I don’t have the money to figure it out either, so it doesn’t matter.”
I don’t have to look at each of the women to know that they’re watching me with pity-filled expressions on their faces. I hate that, and I hate the fact that they’re focused on me. I don’t want their pity, but if the tables were turned and any one of them were living my current life, I would probably be looking at them the same way, so I can’t even be offended.
“We can figure out a way for you to stay,” Zadie states. “There’s no way you can leave us.”
She sounds almost desperate, but it’s Dakota who speaks next and makes my entire spine straighten. “The clubhouse,” she states. “You can work at the clubhouse.”
Everyone gasps, me included, but before she says anything else, I start to giggle. “The thought of me working down there is hilarious,” I state.
Dakota shakes her head a couple of times, then her eyes flick to the ceiling before they shift down to meet mine. “Not like that,” she says. “Like someone who can do paperwork, keep that place in order. It’s a mess down there, and God knows Bullet isn’t going to try and fix it.”
Wrinkling my nose, I shake my head as my stomach clenches at the thought of being down there and seeing Goose with one of the whores. I would seriously not be able to recover from that. I would lose my whole mind and then some.
I empty my glass of wine, then pour myself another. The rest of the evening, we brainstorm how to keep me here, but it yields nothing, and when they leave for the night, I am hammered. Idon’t remember the last time I actually got drunk off wine, but here I am.
Trashed.
And wishing that Goose were home…
