“She cries when I lay her down.”
“She’s going to cry until her diaper’s changed.”
“Fine.” He lays her on the table.
“Now, remove her onesie.”
He fumbles with the snaps.
“What is the problem? It’s a onesie. It’s not a NASA space suit.”
“She won’t stop squirming,” he mutters as he finally gets the snaps open.
“Good job. Now open and remove the dirty diaper.”
He peels back the diaper and recoils. “How can something this small make something this foul?”
“Ah, the joys of parenthood.”
He holds the diaper up in the air.
“Put it in the diaper bucket.”
He throws the diaper away and the smell in the room immediately improves. “Ah, this is why my family gave me a diaper bucket.”
“You’re starting to get it, daddy-o.”
He grabs a fresh diaper from the stack, but I stop him. “Hold up. You need to clean her first.”
“Clean her?”
I point to the baby wipes. “With those.”
He snags one and starts wiping from back to front. I stop him. “Don’t ever wipe from back to front unless you want her at the doctor’s tomorrow.”
He groans. “There are rules? There are rules for poop?”
Adele squirms and kicks the baby wipe container. It crashes to the ground. “You need to distract her before she poops all over you.”
His eyes widen. “Poops all over me? It’s possible for her to poop all over me?”
“Not only possible but pretty much a given. She’ll poop on you. Pee on you. Throw up on you. Think of a body fluid and she’ll manage to get it on you.”
“How is this my life?” he grumbles.
“Oh no. Do you need me to explain the birds and the bees to you? Can it wait until morning? I need to do some research and maybe buy a book and a puppet.”
“Funny girl, I don’t need you to explain sex to me.”
“Phew. I was worried there for a minute.”
Adele kicks and hits Zane in the eye. “Motherfucker.”
I wag my finger at him. “No swearing in front of the baby unless you want her first word to be fuck.”
I snag a stuffed mermaid from the toys piled on the rocking chair and shake it in front of Adele’s face. She giggles and reaches for it. “Who’s a pretty baby?”
I elbow Zane. “She’s distracted. Get a clean diaper on her.”
