A hollow feeling settled in the pit of her stomach in contrast to Trent’s obvious excitement.
He fidgeted in his seat before leaning forward to kiss the back of her hand, the gesture causing her chest to tighten.“You don’t even have to work if you don’t want to,” he said, his laugh deep and rich.“We’re off to LA tomorrow to finish up the paperwork.I need to do some meetings, but I want you there with me.I missed you last time.”
Harper tried to filter the information.The show.A trip.Moving in.It was too much information to absorb.And he was looking at her.His smile usually melted her, but right now, she could barely focus.
“You want that kind of celebrity?”she asked without filtering the myriad of questions bombarding her brain.She’d seen firsthand how committed he was to making Second Circle successful.The hours he put in, and the effort behind his artwork.But TV?His looks alone were admittedly perfect for television, but he’d not struck her as fame hungry.
“I don’t really care about the celebrity one way or another, Harp.”His thumb rubbed the back of her hand gently.“It’s about proving myself.Being the best that I can be.Being something… I don’t know… more.”
Harper’s head started to spin.This couldn’t be happening.With Nathan out and all the weird stuff happening to her, she couldn’t do anything that would put them in the public eye.A small part of her recognized this was an amazing opportunity for Trent, and she wished mournfully that it were as simple as leaping from her chair to kiss him in congratulations.
“I… Trent… I’m not sure that’s something that’s good for me right now.”She pulled her hand away, picked up her wineglass, and took a sip of dessert wine.It did little to relieve the dryness in her throat.
“Well, I am hoping to change your mind about that, sweetheart.”He leaned back in his chair, and straightened the cuff of his jacket.“They want to film the Miami episode in the studio, in Second Circle.Can you imagine how awesome that would be for the guys?The kind of traffic it would generate?And I talked to the producers.We’re going to do an episode on scars,” Trent continued excitedly.“And I want to include you.”
“Me?”Harper said quickly.“Why would you want to do that?”Her?On television?So not happening.Who knew what might provoke Nathan?What would finally push him over the edge?
Trent shook his head.“I want the world to see you.To be as incredibly proud of you as I am.And to show how effective tattoos can be at covering scars.Maybe the show can give something back.”
“I can’t do that,” Harper stammered.The idea of showing strangers turned her stomach.She’d only just gotten used to showing her friends.“I can’t believe you’d ask me to do that.”
“Why not?”he asked, his brows furrowed.“Don’t you understand the power of your own story?How much of an inspiration you could be to other women in your situation?”
“I don’t feel much like an inspiration.”She looked out of the arched glass window, watched a yellow taxi speed along the street outside.Like the taxi, the conversation was passing by too quickly, and she felt displaced.
“Yes, you are, darlin’.You could help so many people if you were willing to do it.”
“It’s not just about that, Trent.This conversation isn’t about me appearing on the show.It’s about our life.It’s good as it is.The studio does well.I’m settled.I have you, and our friends.I don’t need more.It’s too much.”After everything she had been through, what she had was plenty.
“No, it’s not, Harper.Stop trying to convince yourself that it’s enough.It’s a half-life.It’s too many compromises.Too much settling because it’s easier.Safer.”Trent’s voice raised in frustration.
Harper looked down at the remains of her dessert, the food she’d eaten felt heavy in her stomach.Was Trent right?Was she really happy, or was she trying to convince herself she was?Before she could answer the thought, Trent spoke again.
“You want to teach.I know you do.I’ve seen the look on your face when you read an essay of Joanie’s.Or when you come home, full of energy, after an afternoon with Milo.Christ, we drive past a school and you sigh.Out loud.And it kills me to know you would give anything to be inside teaching those kids.It feels like you’re stuck.”
A couple seated at a nearby table peered over at them, their argument obviously carrying across the sapphire-blue carpet.The maître d’ and a waiter looked at them curiously.
“I’m not stuck,” she replied in an angry whisper.“Yes.I love teaching.But registering isn’t something I want to do.Yes, Nathan knows where I am, so it isn’t that, but I’d feel horrible if he showed up where I was working, or worse, I had to leave a class midway through a term because of him.”
“And so it comes back to him.And leaving.You’re right.This reaction isn’t about the show.It’s about your life.You’re half in, Harper.”Trent leaned forward in his seat, tapped his fingers hard on the table a couple of times before screwing his hands into a frustrated fist.“You want to know why I want to do the show.Because I amallin.I love what I do.I am proud of the studio.Of the guys I work with.I want to tell the world about it.All.In.”He slammed the flat of his hand onto the table causing the glasses to tremble.Frustration rolled off him in waves.“Fuck.Are you really going to let him have that much control over you that you spend the next five, fifteen, fifty years worrying about him?”
“What do you expect me to do?There’s nothing wrong with a healthy dose of self-preservation.I’m happy with what we have.”
“You keep saying that.But why do we have to settle for what we have?Status fucking quo is for everybody else, Harper.But not us.”
“But for now.With his parole.And the messages.And the vandalism to the studio—”
“You think that was him?”Trent cut her off in surprise.“It was some kid.Lopes showed me the video today.”
It wasn’t Nathan?Really?She’d been so certain but Trent had no reason to lie.Relief flooded through her.Nathan wasn’t as close to Trent as she suspected.Even more reason tonotdo the show.“Thistime it wasn’t.But the show, with both of us on it, that could push him to do something terrible.”
“You know, fuck, I kind of wish we could go see Nathan.Confront the bastard.I’d like to beat seven kinds of shit out of the guy for what he did to you.Because the show is something we should be celebrating, not debating if it’s safe enough to do.”
“You should celebrate.But it’s not for me.We aren’t on the same page at all.I need some air.”Harper grabbed her purse and hoped she could keep her dinner down until she got outside.Her heels clicked loudly on the tiled lobby as she ran out of the restaurant, swiping a finger under her eyes to try to keep the tears in.
Desperately, she looked up and down the street and signaled to a cab heading in the other direction.As it completed a U-turn to stop in front of her, she became aware of Trent’s footsteps.
Grabbing her shoulder, he spun her around.
