‘Sure you’re good, yeah?’ he asks, his big eyes looking at her carefully.
‘Yep. Sure.’ She pinches his cheek as she stands up to get off at the next stop. ‘Thanks, baby bro.’
He winces into a grin. ‘Dunno about that one. Listen, I’ll call you soon, OK?’
Anika nods and Kwesi pulls some headphones out of his bag as she steps off the bus, waving at her through the window. Having seen two grottier autumn days go by while she vegged out on the sofa recovering from treatment, Anika is glad of the unseasonably bright and warm weather now, relishing the vivid blue of the sky above her. She’s changed out of her tracksuit and into an outfit she hopes is sexy but casual – an oversized yellow cotton shirt, unbuttoned just enough, and her favourite jeans. She pulls the brim of her Kangol bucket hat lower, smelling the suncream she’s fastidiously applied all over her face and arms, even under her duster coat, to combat her skin’s extra sensitivity. If she squints, Anika could almost imagine she’s on holiday – if it wasn’t for the tumultuous churn of butterflies inside her as she heads towards the café.
She’s grateful to find a seat outside – the place is buzzing with mothers entertaining their babies in pushchairs after a swim at the lido, tech bros with their laptops, and older couples enjoyinga leisurely mid-morning coffee. The chatter of humans around her buoys Anika’s spirits. It sounds corny even in her head, but she feels truly glad to be alive in this moment, despite everything.
That feeling is amplified a thousand-fold as soon as she spots Cam.
He’s walking towards her, his head already lowered as though ready to try to catch her eye, his hands in the pockets of his well-tailored dark grey flat-front chinos. Plain white sweatshirt, light-grey coat, impeccable white Air Force Ones, fresh trim, moisturised skin. The sight of him makes Anika stand up eagerly even though she’s not quite sure how this conversation will go. Cam’s face is serious as he approaches and he doesn’t say anything when he reaches her.
‘Um …’ She begins to speak, but he interrupts her as he quickly pulls his hands out of his pockets and wraps his arms around her. One of her palms presses into the solidness of his back and she nestles her face into his neck, shamelessly inhaling his warm, spicy scent and trying desperately not to start crying. He tightens his arms and Anika feels the tears begin to well.God, Neeks. Not even a minute in. Get it together.
‘You good?’ he says in a low voice towards her ear, still embracing her.
‘Still here,’ she replies, her voice muffled.
‘Too fucking right.’
He lets go and looks into her face. Anika smiles awkwardly through her tears, though this is already going better than she could have hoped. He’s soCam, and the beauty of everything he is feels almost overwhelming. Drawing in a long breath, she lets him pull out her chair and they sit down at the table just as a waiter comes outside with some menus. Anika orders a ginger tea and one of their indulgently huge blueberry muffins. Cam just orders a latte, seeming eager to get rid of the waiter.
‘It’s good to see you,’ he says, squinting at her. His grin is loaded with a lot of other things beside pleasure, though. ‘Youlookgood.’ He glances down, still beaming. It almost seems bashful and Anika’s heart swells again.
‘That’s what people say when you look rough,’ she says.
‘Hah!’ One laugh, emitted up into the sky.So Cam.‘It’s true though, innit,’ he continues. ‘You’re beautiful. It’s annoying, actually.’
Anika bites her lip. He’s still looking at her – watching her mouth. She knows that look and her body heats. Even the notion that he still desires her, that he might still want to be with her, feels like a revitalising life force. She draws in a steadying breath, twisting her father’s ring around on her finger.
‘Cam—’
‘Before you start, yeah?’ he says, his smile slackening. ‘I’m sorry for not having seen you sooner. I’m not going to lie, I definitely still needed a bit of time. Everything was … It was scary and it all brought up … a lot of shit for me. Seeing you like that was fucking terrifying.’ His jaw tenses as he stops for a moment, and Anika nods. She can only imagine. ‘But I’ve been thinking about you,’ he says. ‘Every day. Every second.’
‘Cam.’ She whispers it now, tears spilling from her eyes once more. He waits and she sucks in more air, reaching for a napkin to dab her face. ‘I’m sorry. I just—’
‘That’s all we need to say,’ Cam says. ‘I don’t need you to explain it again.’ She tried when she got up the guts to call him and arrange this meeting. Cam sits back in his chair, looking away from her. ‘I don’t think it’s something thatcanbe explained.’
She nods. ‘You’re right.’
They fall quiet and a moment later their order arrives. Anika breaks a bit off her muffin, lifting the lid of the small teapot to check on the chunks of fresh ginger floating in the hot water. ‘I still want to try, though,’ she says eventually. ‘To tell you whatI think was the thing with it all.’ Cam crosses his arms, leaning forward to rest them on the table and giving her his undivided attention. His face is solemn and perfect, and she searches his mahogany eyes for a while, and then shakes her head with a sardonic laugh.
‘I thought I was so powerful, you know? I was like, “Fuckthat scared little girl from when I was seventeen, that night with you. Fuck the kid who started that diary when she was eleven years old.” I thought I didn’t need to record my sad little life any more, I didn’t need an outlet – I needed somewhere to manifest. I thought, “I’ve conquered all fears! I’ve conquereddeath!”’ She titters ironically again at herself. Cam’s response is to exhale slowly as he looks at her, his brows meeting in concern, in interest, curiosity. All the things that made him such a wonderful listener. ‘Thing is, it wasn’t power, or infallibility, or invulnerability …’
‘Dictionary corner over here,’ he says lightly, eyes twinkling though his face remains serious.
‘Thesaurus.’
‘You get what I’m—’
Anika laughs a little again, shaking her head. ‘The diary was a safety net. But …’ She looks at him. ‘It also meant I could dictate my own desires, my own goals and achievements. Really articulate them for myself, at last.’
Cam shakes his head. ‘You could always do that. You always have, in fact. Since that night we first met.’
‘I get that now.’ She leans forward too. ‘Prediction is a myth. Manifestation might not be, though. Like, I knew … the minute I saw you? Ifeltit.’ Palm pressed against her chest, Anika lowers her voice. ‘Here. I loved you the second I first saw you, Cam. And I knew you were what I imagined love to be. All those years ago I knew we were meant to be, even back when I was that scared girl. She may have been afraid, but she knew you were it,you know?’ Cam’s mouth opens for a moment, but he lets her speak. ‘But … but then you didn’t say you loved me back and that freaked me the fuck out because it seemed like the one thing I couldn’t control. So I wrote all that bullshit in the diary to try to … I don’t know, manipulate everything. Because, despite all my bravado, I wasn’t ready to face what it might mean if I was to really love you and not hear that you loved me back, with nothing I could do about it.’ Anika brushes away more tears. ‘I was fucking scared that would be the thing that would make me fall apart.’ She swallows. ‘I guess in a way the opposite was true, right?’ Cam seems speechless now and Anika holds his gaze as she tells him, ‘But I’m ready to just trust in … my gut, I guess. And I’m doing everything I can to find that balance, because I love you, Cam. And that’s an amazing thing. That’s the shit I’m alive for. Love.’
Cam is strangely still and then he nods before reaching over to pick up his coffee and sip it slowly. ‘There was a hymn my mum wanted at Zay’s funeral,’ he says quietly. ‘“I Know Who Holds Tomorrow”. D’you know it?’
