Anika was devastated, but had no one to talk to about it – her mum didn’t know about her being there that night and would have been livid if she did, and Anika didn’t have any close friends to confide in. She couldn’t quite explain the feeling anyway. She hadn’t been involved in the fight itself. She’d hardly known Zaya, but she knew how warm the girl had been to her. And Kwame … She’d had only a fraction more interaction with him, but it had felt somomentous. Her heart ached for this boy who had lost his twin sister, and for his whole family.
A few weeks later, one hot Monday afternoon, Anika was heading towards home after school. Once she reached her street, she prepared herself to look regretfully towards the Asiedus’house as she had been doing regularly, watching the various sad comings and goings and debating whether to just go and knock on their door. It was always possible that her account of things could lift some of the burden of blame … But that day, she saw Kwame’s mother and another woman who Anika thought might be the twins’ aunt, clearly trying to stifle the tears that were rolling silently down their cheeks as a taxi pulled up. Kwame stood next to them, swiping quickly under his eyes, too. ‘Your gramma will meet you at the airport, OK?’ Kwame’s mum was saying.He was being sent to Ghana? For how long?Kwame’s father stood in the doorway to the house, arms folded, grim-faced. Anika stopped a few feet away as she saw Kwame roll a large suitcase and a big duffle bag towards the boot and put it inside. As the cab driver shut it, Kwame looked up and locked eyes with Anika. Desperation to say something made her shiver in spite of the warm air – to call out, maybe even to thank him for letting her leave that night despite it feeling wrong. To tell his parents that neither he nor Zaya had done anything wrong. But Kwame looked away, his face stony as he got in the back seat.
Anika stood and watched silently as the cab drove away.
She moves closer to Cam now, leaning back on the sofa a little and using her shoulder to nudge him this time. ‘I know “I’m so sorry” sounds like bullshit, believe me. But I mean it,’ she tells him gently. After a pause, she says, ‘I’m really looking forward to the film.’
‘I just hope I’m doing her justice,’ he murmurs, turning to look at his lap, a frown creasing his brows.
‘I’m absolutely certain you will be.’
At that, Cam turns himself towards Anika, regarding her with a typically narrowed gaze. ‘To be honest, you being here has thrown me, too.’ His eyes roam her face and she feels it start to heat. ‘You’re just … It was thatsame night. But I can’t ignoreit. I’m around you and I feel something I can’t really explain.’ Anika expects him to look away again, but that open manner Cam has about him prevails, even in his confession. Then her face falls as he continues. ‘Thing is, being reminded of that night is tough. Obviously. Writing the film was like some kind of catharsis maybe, but losing Zay was … It’s still …’ He finally does turn away. ‘There aren’t words.’ He lets out a long sigh. ‘Not that the film is, like, verbatim onanything– it’s fiction, get me? But there is so much in it that’s inspired by Zaya, and, like I said, I want to honour her.’ He allows a small smile, gesturing towards the screening room. ‘Maybe I’ll be watching it through your eyes this time. Like I’ll be … I dunno, showing a side of myself to you?’
Anika fiddles with the hem of her dress. ‘I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable or anything. I guess … Does it matter what I think?’
‘Yeah.Yeah.It matters.’
Anika swallows. They’re leaning even closer to one another now. ‘Cam, that night,’ she says. ‘When you—’
They both startle as the PR woman exits the screening room and shoots them a solicitous smile. ‘Film’s just about to start,’ she tells them, and Cam gives her a salute.
‘I better get in there, then,’ Anika says. Without thinking, she reaches out a hand to Cam’s leg to help push up onto her towering heels, and for a split second she feels the muscle in his thigh tense.
‘Absolutely,’ he says, then his voice lowers. ‘Come find me after, Anika Lapo,’ Unconsciously perhaps, he licks his lips after he speaks. ‘I’m gonna slide in the back in a bit.’
‘Oh, yeah?’ It’s Anika’s turn to raise an eyebrow, and they look at one another for a moment and then laugh at the unintended double-entendre. Despite the confidence she’s imbued herself with every day in the diary, Anika flushes. ‘Sorry. It was right there,’ she murmurs, still smiling. ‘So …’ She clears her throat.‘Come find you after? No matter what I think, yeah?’
Cam mock-clutches at his heart. ‘Be gentle,’ he says softly.
When she reaches the door of the screening room and turns back to him, he’s still watching her go.
Chapter Thirty
Anika stares ahead through a haze of tears as the screen fades to black. The film credits begin to scroll upwards to the mournful sounds of Sampha’s beautiful voice and she feels almost scared to breathe. She blinks and the tears snake traitorously down her cheeks. Quickly she wipes them as beside her Tina blows out a long stream of air, unashamedly clutching a wedge of tissues that she’s dabbing against her eyes. Reaching down to pick up the complimentary glass bottle of fancy water, Anika gratefully glugs a long drink of it before she’s able to make eye contact with her friends.
She expected the film to be good – there’s no denying that. But the kinetically skilled direction and top-notch acting only underscored the depths that Cam’s writing went to. The intimacy of it. Anika felt the soul of him coursing through the film. Obviously she understood its inspiration, but there was so much more contained in Cam’s screenplay than she expected. It was angry, heart-breaking. Despite what he went through, he always seemed to slip through the world so lightly, a curious and positive presence. Anika was only just beginning to understand how much he held an undercurrent of loss and resentment within him, and it made the exploration of music, art and love in his film so much more powerful.
Shameeka leans forward to look past Maia and catch Anika’s eye. ‘Bruv,’ she says simply, then shakes her head in admiration. Anika’s fairly certain she sees tears in her friend’s eyes too, and that’s saying something for Shamz. None of her friends areaware of her past with Cam – for some reason she’s decided to keep it to herself – and she feels increasingly self-conscious about just how emotional the film has made her. She hopes the sensation won’t be too obvious, masked by their own reactions.
The lights in the screening room slowly begin to fade up and Anika swivels in her seat trying to spot Cam, but she notices him up at the very top of the tiered seats already in animated conversation with one of the journalists.Maybe it’s for the best.She really does need the loo now, and she also needs to properly compose herself before the cast-and-crew party they’ve been invited to this evening. Anika follows her friends out to the ladies’ without meeting Cam’s eye, and when they all finally congregate again in the hotel foyer, he’s nowhere in sight.
‘We good to go?’ Shameeka asks, pulling Maia into her side with an arm around her waist. ‘Deon’s with his nan and we are ready to turn the fuckup! I feel like I never get a chance to do that with you lot.’ She pokes Anika, who rubs her brow, still feeling the dull buzz of her hangover from last night but not wanting to disappoint her friend. Maia cradles her wife’s face with one hand, her nail extensions lightly sinking into Shamz’s cheeks. ‘Calm down, mama.’ She kisses her lips and Shameeka indulges it further while Anika and Tina make immature whooping noises.
‘What we saying, cab?’ Anika asks when her friends’ PDA finally calms down.
Shameeka gives her a look of exasperation. ‘The party’s at SkyLark, babe. It’s a ten-minute walk, max.’
Anika wordlessly points to her shoes and soon Maia and Tina are nodding in agreement, all three of them putting their variously heeled feet next to Shamz’s polished brogues. ‘Like this is my fault,’ she says, shaking her head with a wry grin. Talking animatedly, they make their way to the kerb and manage after two attempts to hail a black cab. Shamz is right, Anika thinks– it’s so rare that they really get to hang out. But she’s still distracted by her thoughts onEnd of the Day, and Cam …
‘Like, who would have thought that breakfast-show guy had that in him?’ Tina is saying as she folds down the jump seat in the back, and Anika feels an odd defensiveness, even though perhaps she also underestimated what the film would do to her. ‘Like, it was way more … I dunno,artyand emotional than I thought. But also, such a good take on the whole scene, man – with the female MC?’
‘Innit,’ Maia says.
‘The pirate-radio stuff and the raves really took me back …’
As her friends begin to discuss the soundtrack, Anika’s head continues to swim in memories of her own.
‘You good, babe?’ Shameeka asks her more quietly while the others chatter.
