No. No.
No.
NO.
Anger, unspent and boiling, tangled with tiredness at the labour of fear, all of which she’d been carrying for so long already despite her age. It all burst up into Anika’s chest. The loveliness and excitement of her time alone with Kwame had morphed into the shocking unpleasantness of the scene in the park. Beauty and violence crashing together, always, always. Love and disappointment. Contentment and loneliness.
And now this.
NO.
The word rattled Anika’s mind again.
I could kick out, trip him over.
I could hear his shocked yell, I could grin and watch him spill over onto the hard pavement.
His teeth could hit the concrete, splinter out in a fountain of blood and gold.
I could stomp on him, tell him I’m a child.
Tell him I’m powerful still.
Stomp him, stop him, stomp him, teach him, teach all of them to leave us alone …
Even in that moment Anika wondered –why am I always alone?Why did she always have to build up the barriers by herself? Her mother had taught her this; that they always had to be so strong against the world, but why, why?
Time zipped forward and Anika wrenched her arm away from the man as her thoughts spun like a roulette wheel. She was unsure of which words to fire from her mouth, but ideas began to settle into her brain, crystallising. The feeling was so similar to when she would record everything in her diary at the end of the day. Making it all final, drawing a line under it, making it so.Butdid it? What difference did writing what had already passed make?With a jolt, she resolved to cease writing in it altogether.
She stopped, stock still. ‘Leave me ALONE!’ Her voice was a yelp. The man was startled, letting go of her arm. He looked at her a long moment, then turned away, back up the road, muttering under his breath.
Anika kept walking. She let herself into her house. Closed the door against it all.
And she pushed the rage back down deep into the pit of her stomach, where it would lay alongside all her other feelings for the years to come.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Saturday 4th August
Everything is moving in the direction I dictate – the job, my sense of self and what I want out of life. I’m getting everything I need. And yeah, Cam’s film wasreally bloody good, as I knew it would be, but nostalgia is in the past for me (hah). If I’m looking back on anything, it’s only to learn a lesson. I won’t let anything or anyone derail my forward motion …
Late on Saturday afternoon, Anika jumps on the train and then the Tube into town, making good time as Little Simz vibrates through her earbuds. As she emerges from the station, she notices a missed call with a number she doesn’t recognise, but which her phone handily enquiresMaybe: King’s College Hospital. A zip of alarm invades her body, but she breathes until it dissipates.I wish they’d give it a rest – on a weekend?She’s also been avoiding the emails that have been sent.Soon,she thinks half-heartedly. Everything’s been going so well. Why step back into the world of medical concerns?
Walking into the lobby of the hotel where the film screening is taking place that afternoon, Anika glances around and then follows the signs to the screening room. She notes with disappointment that there are only expensive glass bottles of water assembled at the entrance next to the poster forEnd of the Dayon an easel.Is that it?Half the point of going to the cinema is the snacks. Her phone illuminates in her hand and she sees a message from Shamz.
Babes, screening time’s been pushed back 45 mins. Come to the lobby if you’re here. We just reached. Getting cocktails.
Anika sighs, disappointed at the wait. She peeks into the cinema room and realises there’s only one eager-looking journalist in there, sitting at the far end of a row and writing in a pad. She considers letting him know about the time change, but he seems happy with his notes and his prime seat. Anika doubts he’s keen to see the film for the same reason as her. Butterflies jostle low in her stomach and she isn’t sure if they’re on Cam’s behalf or because of whatever the film might bring up forherabout those days when they were teenagers. Maybe it’s just the way he’s been talking about it, and all the memories she’s been sent back to lately.That’s not me any more, she reminds herself.
Shameeka has said Anika should come to the film’s official premiere next week as well, insisting it will be a good networking opportunity – but Shamz was also adamant that nobody actually watches the film at the premiere, they just walk the red carpet then head to the party. So a no-pressure, Cam-free viewing tonight? Perfect. She even added a new affirmation last night:Today I was prepared for anything that got thrown in my path, be it friend or foe.
Anika smiles stiffly at the bored-looking PR assistant who checked her name off the list in the lobby without mentioning the delay, then makes her way back up the shallow marble steps to the hotel foyer. The concierge blatantly scans his eyes up Anika’s legs as she walks up the final steps in her oversized belted T-shirt dress and brand-new Louboutin heels. His expression is somewhere between judgement and lasciviousness, and she catches him in it.Don’t you have a job to do?She wants to say it out loud and decides she’s about to, but then hears Tina call her name.
‘Neeks! In here, hon!’
Shameeka, her wife, Maia, and Tina are leaning against the bar through some double doors off to the side of the lobby, and Shamz is ordering shots. Anika purses her lips pointedly at the concierge guy, then heads into the bar. She squeezes Tina into a hug, plants a kiss on Maia’s cheek, and then is greeted by Shamz proffering a tequila.
‘Ooh, I don’t know about—’
