He shrugged, taking his hand from mine and facing forward, and I knew I’d lost him. No matter what I said, no matter what compromises I made. Me, who had fought compromise with both fists until a few months ago.
Until I’d agreed to be in the stupid wedding where I danced with Stick and he took my breath away.
“By that time your semester will be almost over. You’ll be leaving shortly after that to go out on the trail for your father.”
So, we’d always had a short shelf life? The duration of my freshman year? The life expectancy of…Caro?
I hadn’t felt it was short term with us, and didn’t think he really did either, but I didn’t call him on it. “That’s true,” I said, not trusting my voice to say more than that. He looked over at me, as if he wanted to read whether what I’d said was true or not. I didn’t look away. He sighed again and looked out the passenger window.
“So, how do you proceed with…Shelly?”
“I’m helping out where I can. She’s got shitty health insurance, so I can help with the huge deductible. We’ve talked about her moving into my place, since it’s two bedrooms and it doesn’t look like Lucas is moving back anytime soon. She can save money that way.”
I desperately wanted to ask which bedroom she’d be using once the baby was born. Or even before, for that matter, now that Stick wouldn’t be sleeping with me. But I kept my mouth shut.
“Are you…okay for money?” I asked. I had no idea what Caro (or Grayson?) was paying him, but it couldn’t be as lucrative as stealing cars. Which didn’t seem to matter to him before, but now with another mouth to feed…and Shelly. Mustn’t forget Shelly’s mouth as well.
Plus, there would come a time—soon, apparently—when he would not be paid to be Caro’s caregiver. Would he still continue working for Grayson in some other capacity?
“Yeah, I’m good,” he said, still looking away.
“Promise me you won’t go back to stealing cars for money. If you need any—”
“I won’t. I’m done with that life,” he said. “I was actually starting to look into going to nursing school.” He glanced at me, but then away. I could tell he was kind of embarrassed about talking over his future plans with me now.
“Oh,” I said.
He shrugged. “It was Caro’s idea. She thought I’d be good at it. Home nursing in particular. I’d looked into it, but I don’t know…”
“You would be good at it,” I said with complete conviction. “I never saw you with your dad, but with Caro you’re gentle and understanding, and yet you’re tough when you need to be. You don’t seem to be squeamish over the…gross stuff. And you seem to really grasp the medical part of it all. You’re more than just a caregiver to Caro.”
He absolutely was. I’d seen him set up an IV for Caro when she’d been dehydrated, and heard him discussing her meds and condition on the phone with her doctors. He’d come up with ways of helping her manage her pain, or if not, at least distracting her from it.
He shrugged again, looked backed out the window. “Yeah, well, that’s on hold now. But yeah, I’ve got options. I can always work at my dad’s old garage. It’d be okay pay.”
We sat that way for a long time. Me thinking about Stick’s future. Being a father, having a bond with his baby’s mother, which would eventually blossom into more without me hanging around his neck.
I sensed (or maybe foolishly hoped) that if I’d made a case, he might have relinquished the no-seeing-each-other part. But to what end? Did I really want to be dating a baby daddy, always wondering what was going on at home with the baby momma?
No.
“One more thing?” I finally said.
He turned to me, and I could see his eyes were a little glassy with unshed tears. I thought about how much he probably hated that. Hated that I saw all that raw emotion from him. I would have hated it too, and said a silent blessing that I had enough of my parents’ genes in me to be able to hide it.
“Anything,” he said.
“You need to show me how to put the top down on this thing.”
He let out kind of a half-laugh/half-sob and just nodded, already showing me how to do it, careful not to touch me as he leaned over and showed me the controls.
When the top was down and the March sun shone in, it felt like all our secrets had been given up to the light of day. Our past kisses in Lot H wafted away with the light breeze, as if they’d never happened. It smelled of fresh spring air, and I longed for the cold days where we could see our breath, and when we’d get close to each other and couldn’t tell whose was whose.
“When you come to see Caro, I’ll just hang out in the garage,” he said.
I nodded. “I probably won’t see her as much now with Betsy and Joey coming back.” He’d told me Caro had told her kids the truth about her condition and asked them to come home. Betsy would arrive tomorrow and Joey later in the week.
“Don’t let them stop you. I know Caro will want you to be there, while—”
