“I said from the beginning I’m not what you need, Lily. But, God, I want to be. I want to try to be exactly what you need.”
“Lucas—”
“And I know it sounds like bullshit, but you have to know I would never have stolen that car if there weren’t…extenuating circumstances.”
“Stick told me why you needed the money.”
I nodded, panic rising in me. I so did not want to be the guy who made excuses for his mistakes. I wouldn’t tell her that the car belonged to George Bell, Andy’s father. What difference would it make, anyway? “Yeah. And, well, you just need to know that I realize what a stupid move it was, and in no way am I back in that life. I meant what I said to you…that’s all in the past.”
“I know,” she said. No challenging, no questioning. And yet there was such a sadness in her voice that I knew it didn’t matter what I said.
She was done with me. And I didn’t blame her.
“Well…I don’t know that there’s anything left to say,” I said, hoping—praying—I was wrong.
“Lucas, you need to know that, although we can’t see each other anymore, it’s not because of what you did Saturday night. Or at least not whatIthink about what you did.”
What did that mean? On one hand she seemed to understand that George’s Jag was a one-time deal and very—very—bad judgment on my part. It raised a glimmer of hope within me.
But she’d led with “even though we can’t see each other anymore.” Which were the words I had expected to hear today. And yet they still cut like a surgeon’s scalpel.
“Whatisthe reason we can’t see each other?” But I was starting to guess. Grayson Spaulding was some kind of genius political strategist, and there was no way he was going to lift a finger unless there was something in it for him. “Your father,” I said, so she wouldn’t have to.
She nodded. She looked up at me, and I could see the tears starting to gather in her beautiful eyes. “You need to know that I think you’re exactly what I need. That I’ve never needed…never wanted…anyone like I have you.”
“And I let you down.”
She was shaking her head a little too emphatically. “No. You did what you felt you had to. It wasn’t the right choice, but I can see how you felt it was the only choice.” She swallowed, looking away for a second, then looked straight at me—as always, taking my breath away. “And I did too. Made the choice I felt was the right one.”
I nodded. If she’d given me the choice Saturday night—stay in jail, incur a record that would jeopardize Andy’s stability, or lose Lily—I probably would have made the same choice.
And it would have killed me as much as it was killing Lily.
I pulled her into my arms just as her tears spilled over. She clutched at me, and I wrapped her so tight I wasn’t sure either of us would be able to breathe.
“Oh, Lucas,” she said, her words muffled by my hoodie as she buried her head in my chest.
“You did the right thing. It sucks, and it’s my fault. But…thank you. Thank you so much, Lily.”
“Jane said I should just keep seeing you on the sly.” She lifted her head from my chest, and looked up at me. The pain in her eyes rivaled mine, and I wished like hell I could take it for her. Bear it all myself. She sniffled and gave her head a tiny shake. “But I gave my word, you know? I can’t go back on that. It was a deal I willingly made.”
There was a tiny question in her voice, and it seemed like there could be a very small crack there, a tiny space for wiggle room where maybe I could spin it so Lily and I could still see each other.
But no, that was not the person Lily was. She might not know who she was yet, but I knew she was a person of honesty and integrity, and I did not want to be the one who crumbled that.
Shit, I wanted to emulate it.
“I know,” I said, pulling her back into me, my hand in her glorious hair, holding her head into my chest again. “I know you gave your word, Lily. And I know you’ll keep it. That’s why I love you.”
Her arms snaked around my waist, and we stood like that, her quietly crying, me doing my best not to.
Later, but not now. Now I could be strong for Lily, like she had been for me.
I gauged about the time when Andy would get bored and come barreling out of the classroom. Just before what I deemed that moment to be, I pulled away from Lily and wiped her tears away with my thumb.
I moved to kiss her, but stopped myself. What was the point? It would only remind me of the sweetness I would never again taste.
“I love you, Lucas,” she whispered.
