“Maybe she was referring to you,” Emma says, seeming to note the skepticism on my face.
“No,” I say. Courtney and I didn’t have a problem until I finally stood up to her the next summer on our rafting trip. At least, I didn’t think we did. Even though Courtney had blackmailed me with that photo over the dish soap prank, I was still her friend. It makes me feel ill now, how I’d let Courtney walk all over me because I somehow thought I needed her in my life. “It wasn’t me.”
“Then who was it?” Emma asks. “When I skimmed through the rest of the pages, I came across a line in an entry from November about how Courtney’s revenge plan was working. How this ‘traitor’ was totally falling for whatever Courtney was doing to them.”
I can’t remember Courtney doing anything horrible later that fall or winter, aside from falsely accusing Bryson and Jake of being the ones to cause Emma’s broken ankle. I swallow. Which I’d so sickeningly gone along with.
CouldCourtney have meant me? Looking back, it was obvious how Courtney had enjoyed watching me squirm and feel responsible over what we did to Emma. But I chalked that up to Courtney’s cruel nature, not because I’d done anything to make her feel I’d deserved it.
“It couldn’t have been me,” Emma says. “Courtney had already gotten you to help her break my ankle.”
“By accident. I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to—”
Emma holds up her palm. “What I’m saying is that I really don’t think Courtney was talking about me. She never did anything to me after that.”
I recall how livid Emma was when Beth and I visited her at the Port Angeles Hospital. When Emma believed it was Courtney who’d spilled the dish soap, not Bryson and Jake. Did Courtney find out Emma was bashing her behind her back?
“If it wasn’t you,” Emma lowers her voice. “Then it had to be Beth or Gigi.”
I steal a glance at the closed door to Beth’s cabin. “Courtney never did anything to Beth.”Although that’s not true,I think, remembering the bookmark Courtney gave Beth in place of a T-shirt at the start of our hike. And the fat-shaming comments Courtney used to make to Beth that Courtney tried to pass off as well meaning. “Well, at least not to the extent of your broken ankle or those slut photos of Gigi that Courtney spread around school. Maybe it was Selena.” I add, “She started with us that year on the volleyball team.”
“I know who Selena is. But they weren’t friends for most of their lives.” Emma taps her pointer finger on the diary. “It has to be one of us.”
“You’re sure the rest of the pages weren’t ripped out when you found the diary yesterday?”
“I’m sure.” She tilts her head toward the deck above. “I’m going to ask Russell what it said.”
“Not by yourself. I’m coming with you.”
Chapter Forty-Three
Memorial Day Weekend, 2005
I wasn’t sure how long we’d been walking, but we had to be getting close to where Gigi and Emma were waiting with the rafts.
“I don’t think you should tell Emma and Gigi that you saw Courtney.”
I turn to Beth as we continued along the river. “Why not?”
“What if they think you left Courtney on purpose?”
“I did.” I hated myself for it now, but it was the truth.
“I know. And I know you were scared. But what if they think you left Courtney on purposeto die?”
I slowed my pace.
“Like how you didn’t even call out to warn her,” Beth added. “Until it was too late.”
“I didn’t mean for ...” I kept moving, studying my best friend. Did she think IwantedCourtney to die? A ripple of guilt shimmied down my torso as I stepped over a log. Is that what they’d all think? I couldn’t explain why I left her, not even to myself. I wished now that I could take it back.
“I ... panicked. I was too scared to stay and help her after facing the cougar head-on.” As I said the words, I wasn’t sure they were true.HadI wanted Courtney to die when I kept silent and ran away?
Beth frowned. “I mean if Courtney’s ... dead”—her eyes skirted to the trees behind me—“you could be charged with manslaughter.”
I stopped. “What?”
“You know how powerful Courtney’s parents are. And last night, I heard Courtney fighting outside our tents with someone.”
