My wavering just gets worse, and no amount of trying to hide it or making up stupid lies can excuse it away.
I’m failing.
Day one, and I’m alreadyfailing.
And yet, I have to do this. Ihaveto learn how to be strong. But I can’t even fuckingturnwithout teetering and—
Caught up in my growing frustration, I try to pivot too quickly. I’m topsy-turvy, like a spinning top that can’t stay on its point, and this time, my feet can’t catch me.
I crash to the ground on my side, landing hard, the ice-cold hay splintering through my coat and needling my skin. Needling my confidence until it deflates.
I shove up onto my hands and knees, but then I just stay there. Eyes slightly blurred, staring at the broken and dirty hay, the scent of it thick in my nose, the fluorescence dousing it all in blue.
“Fuck.” My whisper is sharp and galled, mind furious with the incapabilities of my body.
“It’s fine, Gildy. We all fall,” Judd says, and somehow, his amicable optimism just makes it worse.
“It’s not alright,” I snap. “I can’t bereadyif I can’t even do afucking stance.”
“Auren.”
My head snaps up at Slade’s voice, and I see him standing just at the entrance of the fissure. Shame crawls up my limbs, and my heart drops at the sight of him. Looking away, I push up to my feet, but even doing that makes me stumble slightly to the right. I’m disoriented. Off-balance. Feeling weak and wobbly like a newborn foal.
I hate it.
Slade’s footsteps crunch over the hay as he comes near until he’s standing right in front of me. “I thought you were going to take it easy until Hojat gave you the go-ahead for more?” he asks, question posed to Judd.
“We are…” Judd’s words trip to a stop.
“He’s not having me do anything difficult,” I admit, my jaw tight with frustration. “I just can’t do it.”
The admittance falls from my lips with disgust. I tear a hand through my hair, fingers getting tangled in the gold strands that fell out of my braid. “This is my first session, and I’m already failing. How pathetic is that?”
“It’s not pathetic.”
I let out an ugly laugh, yanked from the center of my chest. “I can’t evenstand,” I spit out, but my tone isn’t directed at him or Judd, it’s directed atme. “Because I keep losing my balance. Because I let him…I let him…”
My words choke off. Strangled, like a fist around my throat.
I let him.
For ten Divine-damned years,I let him.
Let him silence me. Let him lead me. Let him fool me. Let him cage me. Let him hurt me.
I let him drug me and hold me against that cold wall, let him takeanotherpart of me that I’ll never get back.
Understanding dawns in Slade’s eyes like mist on a shadowed field. “Your ribbons.”
The two of them trade a look, and I know what’s on their expressions, because it’s on mine too. The recognition of exactly what I lost.
I never noticed before how much my body relied on my ribbons. I have to learn all over again without the comfort of their presence.
But it’s not just that.
The weight of them is gone, yes, but they were more than just satiny strips that hung from my back. I miss the way they trailed behind me. I miss being able to lift them to help me comb my hair or wrap around my waist like a layer of armor. I miss the way they snaked around Slade’s leg.
They caught me. Defended me. They were my instincts. My unconscious impulse and sentiment. They made me more. And without them. I’m less. Less steady, less sure, less free.
