Mistake? Then why the hell did it feel so right?The word slices through me and cuts deeper than it probably should. I can still taste her on my lips, still feel her heat clinging to me.
I want to shake my head, tell her she doesn’t mean it, but she’s right. What the hell was I thinking? Sophia is too important. It doesn’t matter how happy or excited I feel around Sadie. My daughter’s needs will always take priority over my own.
I’m busy chastising myself when Sadie speaks again.
“We’re friends. I work for the team, and now I’m helping out with Sophia.”
How could I be so fucking stupid? I’m finally giving Sophia some sense of normalcy, and two seconds into it, I’m already jeopardizing her peace. I’m so fucking selfish.
“You’re right. I’m sorry I put you in that position, Sadie. It won’t happen again.”
She nods once, and that’s it. Conversation over.
I force myself to take a step back, every muscle tight with restraint. This is what I have to do for Sophia. It’s what any good father would do. One reckless kiss isn’t worth risking the first semblance of stability she’s had in years. Still, my chest aches like I just carved a piece of my heart out and left it behind with Sadie.
I repeat the words in my head.It won’t happen again.Because it has to be true. No matter how much my body itches to be near Sadie, or howwrongstepping away from her feels, my daughter comes first. She will always come first.
“I should go.”
Sadie moves past me, keeping her eyes trained on the ground, and as much as I want to stop her, I let her go.
I have to let her go.
It’s been hours since Sadie left, and after two piss-poor attempts to sleep, I gave up and ended up in the theatre room downstairs. Sleepless nights usually end up with me popping in a classic movie. It’s been ages since I’ve been able to enjoy the movie in our theatre room, though.
Luckily for me, ever since Sadie came into our life, sleepovers in my bed with Sophia have all but vanished. She still wakes up with the occasional nightmare, but I’m usually able to coax her back to sleep in her own bed. Even though I’ve been sleeping better these days, after tonight’s disaster with Sadie, I just can’t shut my mind off.
The opening scene ofThe Godfatherplays on the giant projector screen in front of me but I’m barely paying attention. I’ve scrolled my phone for the past five minutes, but I somehow always come back to Sadie’s text thread. My fingers itch to type out an apology, but it’s after midnight and she’s probably fast asleep by now.
I’m scrolling our text thread, looking at pictures of Sophia that Sadie sent while they were together when my phone buzzes in my hand and a new text from Sadie comes through.
Sadie
I know you’re probably sleeping but I ran out of there so fast tonight, I didn’t get to apologize. I’m sorry about tonight, Niko. I should’ve never crossed that line. I want you to know that you can trust me. But if you want to look for another nanny, I’d completely understand.
This can’t be happening. I may have fucked up the best thing that’s ever happened to me and Sophia because I couldn’t keep my damn hands to myself. I need to convince Sadie that this relationship between us can be strictly professional. She’s the first person I’ve felt safe leaving Sophia with. There’s no way I can find someone else in time before we’re traveling for playoffs. Besides, I don’t want anyone else.
I want Sadie. As a nanny. For my daughter. That’s the only way I want her.
Maybe if I tell myself that enough, I’ll finally start to believe it.
Hoping to catch her before she falls asleep, I take a chance and hit the video call button at the top of our message thread. Video chatting really isn’t my thing but this type of conversation shouldn’t be had via text.
The call rings through and I sit up, muting the movie. I’m about to end the call after the fourth ring when a sleepy Sadie pops up on my screen.
I smile so wide I look absolutely ridiculous in the corner of my screen but I don’t care. Sadie’s hair is loose and a little mussed, my guess from lying in bed trying to sleep. She’s in a soft, worn shirt that hangs off her shoulder, revealing the smallest amount of skin. Nothing fancy, but I swear I’ve never seen her look more beautiful. Her face is bare, as usual, her eyes tired, but they light up when they land on me.
“Hi.” Her voice comes out raspy, coated in sleep. I imagine her just like this, but beside me in bed. Just as fast as I imagine it, I push it away.
It won’t happen again.I repeat the words one more time in my head before responding.
“Hey. Sorry to ambush you on video like this, but I wanted to say something.”
Sadie props herself up on one hand and shoots a sleepy smile my way. “You know, a text would’ve worked just fine. Especially at this hour.” Her voice is teasing, and I feel myself relax, my chest loosening the slightest bit. Just hours ago we were on the precipice of something we both knew we couldn’t let happen. And now, hearing her voice, I can’t tell if I’m relieved we stopped or aching because we did.
“I want you to see my face when I say what I’m going to say.”
Her eyes perk up at my statement and she readjusts herself in her bed so she’s sitting up.
