Sadie lifts her hand and I think she’s going to grab mine again, but instead she grabs her necklace and starts fidgeting with it, just like she did earlier. It must be a nervous habit.
“I’m sure it’s been hard on both of you.”
That’s not exactly what I expected her to say. When people find out about Claire, they always immediately worryabout Sophia. I mean, why wouldn’t they? I do the same thing. I worry about her every single day and the type of effect her absentee mom will have on her. Sometimes the guilt is so strong, I can barely get out of bed.
But as always, Sadie surprises me. No one has ever really shown any type of concern for me outright. Besides my mom, my coaches and Connor are the only ones who ever check in on me.
Unsure of how to respond to Sadie’s comment, I shrug. “Sophia is the one without a mom around.”
Sadie shakes her head at me. “Niko. You need to stop doing that.” She stops playing with her necklace and rests her hand on the couch next to her.
“Stop doing what?” I drop my arm from the back of the couch, resting my hand onto the cushion, inches away from Sadie’s.
“Stop pushing your needs aside as if they aren’t as important as Sophia’s.”
I immediately shake my head back at her. “But they aren’t as important, Sadie.”
Sadie drops her head, bringing her chin to her chest. She takes a deep breath, looks up, and scoots even closer to me on the couch, closing the small little distance that remains.
She grabs my hand that was sitting on the cushion and encloses it in between both of hers. “Please hear me when I say this, Niko. Both you and Sophia are important, so I say this out of the kindness of my heart. You can’t take care of Sophia in the way she needs if you aren’t taking care of yourself.”
Sadie’s words give me pause, landing just right in my mind that I actually take a second to really let them sink in.
I’ve spent every day of my life making sure Sophia had everything she could possibly want or need, trying to make up for her mother’s shortcomings. Not once have I taken a step back to think about whatImight need. Why would I? It’s myjob as a father to provide and care for my daughter. She is my purpose.
But for some reason, hearing Sadie say it makes me actually consider it. How can a person take care of someone else if they aren’t taking care of themself?
I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Eat, sleep, Sophia, hockey. Repeat. That’s been my life for the past nearly five years. Maybe it’s time to finally take care of myself too.
As I lose myself in my own thoughts, Sadie’s touch brings me back to the present and calms the chaos of uncertainty flowing through my mind. Instead of drifting away, losing myself to the chaos, her palm rests on top of mine like a weight, anchoring me.
This time when Sadie squeezes my hand, she doesn’t let go.
“Remember, just like your body, the more you train your mind, the stronger it will be.”
I peek open my eyes to survey the room full of athletes. Ten massive men sit in front of me on their meditation cushions, eyes closed, focused on their breathing. This is the second of three sessions I have this afternoon as the Bobcats prepare for their first playoff game later today.
Unfortunately, the Bobcats didn’t end up clinching their division like they had hoped. They still finished in second place though, so they were able to snag home-ice advantage for the first round.
A lot of the guys on the team were frustrated that they didn’t finish in first place and having to play against a tougher team because of it in the first round of playoffs. Hence my meditation sessions today. I’m trying to get these overly competitive brutes focused and ready to play tonight.
As we work through our meditation session, it’s time to focus on the emotions and thoughts they may be feeling ahead of their game.
“You may notice that you’re becoming aware of a variety of emotions and thoughts that enter and leave your mind.Thoughts about the last time you played against Columbus, a mistake you made, your wildcard position in the playoffs, or whatever else is happening in your life right now. Simply notice them as if they are cars moving through downtown, in which you’re the observer on the side of the road. Simply allow them to pass and again, focus on your breathing.”
The calming rain sounds are all that can be heard as I glance around the room. I’m pretty impressed at the focus of this group. The majority of the players here are veterans. My eyes move from one player to the next, stopping on the empty cushion near the back corner.
I should really take a page out of my own book and let the thought pass by, but I can’t help but wonder where Niko is. He was supposed to attend this meditation session and he’s the only one who’s missed so far today.
Ever since I went to his house for ice cream two weeks ago, things have been different between us. He’ll stop by my office most days, and I’m beginning to think he’s making up excuses to spend time with me. I normally wouldn’t assume such things, but yesterday when he came in asking, “Is there an essential oil to change my daughter’s taste in music?” I figured it out pretty quickly he just wanted to come to see me.
I can’t say it doesn’t make me smile every single time, because it does. I smile like a fool anytime that man is within five feet of me.
Which is why I’m currently wearing a frown, knowing he should be here, but isn’t. I hope everything is okay with him and Sophia.
My body itches to stand and retrieve my phone from my bag, but I do what I was hired to do and focus on the task at hand and finish this meditation session.
“You guys must remember that we are not our thoughts. The more weight and attention we give to particular thoughts, the heavier they become. They will take us away from being present and focusing on what’s right in front of us. And foryou guys, that’s game one of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. You have the ability to choose which thoughts you give attention to and which ones to let go of. Be aware and accept your present circumstances. The more you are able to do this, the better you will perform. So, during the game, if something happens, simply focus on a breath whenever you get distracted. It doesn’t matter how many times it happens, the point is to simply become aware when this occurs and guide yourself back to the present moment. You got this.”
